Holiday plan - friend being generous or taking the piss?

[Chet326]

Every few years we have a university reunion where a few of us get together, whoever can make it at the time as we live all across Europe. We are all blokes, in our late 30s now.

This time around, while discussing a destination to meet up (eg, London, or another city in Europe where one of us lives or would be fun for two or three days visit ) a certain friend in, let’s say, Italy, leads off with “hey, why don’t you all come over to my place, I can put you all up and we’ve got a great beach, weather etc”. Problem is last time he hosted the meet up, which was about eight years, here’s what happened: Me and friend B, both travelling to Italy, contact him a few days before start date to say, “hows it going! so what’s the arrangement when me and friend (both travelled from England) get to airport in Italy?” Friend: “oh shit, I’d totally forgotten you guys were coming! I’ve got a lot of shit on work wise right now, but I’ll definitely make some time for you guys”. Proceeded to have half decent holiday with other friend, while friend in Italy drifted in and out of activities, took us around a couple of sites, had a a few beers and laughs, but was fairly distracted half the time with his work (of course me and other friend had put all our own work on hold, as this was meant to be a holiday). I think friend in Italy considers himself a pretty good host, and to be fair if it was a “i want to check out Italy, could you put me up for a couple of days?” I’d say he was decent enough. But that, obviously I would have thought, was not the idea. It’s not about being “hosted” by him, but rather having a great time together totally free from other commitments for a couple of days. What happened last time pissed me off somewhat. And on top of that, it pissed me off that he asked us to chip in €20 for petrol while we were there, seemingly oblivious to the fact that me and friend B and had forked out €100 for flights for what was meant to be Our (capital O) holiday.

This time around I’d be happy for them to come to my city, or to travel to his city again, or somewhere else, but I would expect everyone to drop all their work commitments for a couple of days. Of course I wouldn’t object to anyone seeing or Skyping family briefly during the day/at night, but certainly no work commitments . That, for me, is a holiday/meetup. The last time around was about eight years ago, but I have a feeling he’s still somewhat self-absorbed and I can foresee a repeat. At the same time I don’t know how to say nicely “nah, rather not stay with you” and don’t want to blow off the whole thing...What dya reckon?

Tell him, as you want this to be a holiday for all of you, maybe going somewhere different is a better idea , as he will get a rest as well.
The other thing is, could he be broke, so wants to not have to pay out to see you, and need to work?

If this were me, I would have to check in with work regardless of where I was in the world. It’s the nature of my job (especially if I were on a short break. More likely to be able to take one if I was still contactable). I would be and then if you ‘told’ me I couldn’t speak to work.

You would not be the boss of me on such a trip.

You think he’s self absorbed?

I’d rather stay with someone relaxed who has work but does their best than someone who will be pissed if I have to take some time to fulfil a work obligation or Skype my family for any longer than a brief time in the evening. You’re all late 30’s so mostly have lots of ties and obligations that can’t be switched off on a whim.

Don’t go to this “friends” (who you don’t seem to like much) location if you don’t want to, but drop the petty expectation of how everyone else spends their time with you.

I would think holidays with the OP would not be very relaxing. I would be "forgetting" too.

YABU. You booked time off because you were travelling - and by your own comments in the OP would have a couple of days in a nice new location. If you're 'local' (i.e the host) there is less stress about booking time off so I don't see an issue with occasional moments needed to do work. Yes they shouldn't have forgotten about it - so maybe this time keep in touch regularly leading up to the event so they don't forget. One time forgetting something 8 years ago is hardly a trend. And they still came around with you and you had some good times.

Petrol money - was it a long way from the airport? Yes you paid for flights but so did other people when it was hosted elsewhere. Thats par for the course. By being hosted by your friend you've saved hotel costs, and being picked up from the airport or driven to sites you've saved on taxi costs. 20 euro seems a very small thing to get stressed about

I’d just jokingly text him saying ‘don’t forget we’re coming this time’

Oooh some very diverse responses! I guess I’m a “make a commitment stick to a commitment” kind of person. Back then I was pretty poor and single. Now I’m doing very well financially, and have a family. But regardless of my personal circumstances, if I say “let’s all book a couple days away the grind and party hard” then - family emergency aside- that’s what I’ll do. That’s because I respect the commitment that others have made to me to do the same. I guess not everyone is as black and white on this type of thing, As I said previously, I think this guy in Italy, though a great mate back in the day, perhaps doesn’t really prioritize meetups etc. Perhaps this is my source of conflict on this matter, so I think it would be better to meet somewhere neutral if at all.

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to host again.
I can see it was annoying last time but he still provided a roof over your head and did come out with you, it's not like he kicked you out on the street when he realised he had work commitments. I also don't think €20 for petrol is that bad. You may have "forked out" for flights but he did give you free accommodation and presumably you are his food, used his water and electric etc. So you got a weeks holidays for €20.

Make sure you are communicating a lot in the run-up so he doesnt forget.

I get what you're saying, op. Suggest somewhere he has to travel to or don't include him. Definitely don't travel to him.

@Beanbag
Cultural difference I guess as I was raised in a different culture where asking a good, old friend who has traveled hundreds of miles to spend time with you for a few ergo petrol money is unthinkable. I wasn’t after “free electricity, water and accommodation!” I just wanted to spend some time with my friend and had flown 2 1/2 hours to do so. I would have been equally shocked had he asked for €5 or €100. It wasn’t the amount, it was the principle. - we were all kinda poor and broke at the time so that’s not really a consideration. Cultural difference perhaps as I said.

I can totally understand why you would have been annoyed the first time around, I would have felt the same. Did you tell him how you felt at any time then or later?

Hard to know how I'd feel now without knowing how any further trips in the past 8 years have been.

Still, if this were me now, I'd just say something like "Urrmm I'd be perfectly happy to come stay with you IF you have the time booked off and it's actually a holiday for all of us, as last time we didn't really spend time together as I'd expected". No need to beat around the bush, and you're not exactly saying anything nasty? Honesty is the best policy!

In 2011 that was about £17. I think you should stop holding such a small thing against him. He cocked up and has probably changed a lot, as have you. You didn’t have to sort out family etc because you were single 8 years ago btw. If you don’t want to go and stay with him inItaly, that’s a different matter.

At your age I would have thought it better to be going away now. Why don’t you suggest a boys few days away not at his place. My dh is not from the uk so he and his friends meet up somewhere for a long weekend every year.

@SinglePringle

"If this were me, I would have to check in with work regardless of where I was in the world. It’s the nature of my job (especially if I were on a short break. More likely to be able to take one if I was still contactable).'
So you can't ever take a holiday where you get away from it all, without checking in on work? Do you mind if I ask what kind of work you do as I just can't imagine what job would require this?

"I would be hmm and then grin if you ‘told’ me I couldn’t speak to work."
The OP isn't telling his friend that they can't speak to work during the holiday. It is his expectation though and I think most of the population of the UK would not be expected to speak to work during annual leave.

Personally I think safest thing to do is book a neutral venue / somewhere none of you have been before. It will help you to evaluate whether these meet ups work any more and if you actually have things in common these days. And FWIW I too am a 'make a commitment and stick with it' person - I don't make commitments I cannot / may not want to keep (excluding emergencies / complete unforeseen events).

I couldn’t hold a grudge against someone for 8 years, I’ve got better things to focus my energy on tbh. 8 years and you’re still banging on about £20 on petrol? Sorry but get over it. You say you were all kinda poor at the time so maybe he didn’t have £40 worth of petrol to waste? Also if you had all gone somewhere neutral you would have paid far more than that in taxis or care hire anyway. Why are you still friends with this guy if all you can reduce him to is “cocked up once 8 years ago and I’ve never properly forgave him”?

Suggest a country where you all have to travel to and don’t leave it until a few days before hand to message them again?

It’s got to be a neutral venue so you all book time off. Just suggest this
I do see your point- you were all going for a reunion but he just carried on with his normal life

But OP, in the gentlest way, you do sound pretty intense. I used to be like this- as I’ve got older I’ve become more laid back about it but I also used to be a “you said you’d be there so be there no matter what” type.

It’s not a particularly noble trait, although we like to think it is. But it’s also a trait that winds you up whilst the rest of the world goes around their business oblivious. I’ve cut off a number of friendships because I thought them flakey over things like this but with hindsight I think if I had relaxed a little bit and not been so uptight I probbaly could’ve retained these (lovely) friendships.

@BarbourellaTheCoatzilla
Woah, you are reading a bit too much all over and under the lines Monsieur Freud! No grudge here at all. he suggested hosting a rerun of a previous reunion which made me think - probably better options considering you flunked it last time. That’s all really.

@Passthecherrycoke yes, I accept that criticism. I do take stuff too seriously sometimes!

Why are you still friends with this guy if all you can reduce him to is “cocked up once 8 years ago and I’ve never properly forgave him”?

Free holiday in Italy though innit? Sorry 20 quid holiday accommodation and taxi costs in Italy plus a "weakness of character" to hold over the guy's head too, eight years later.

I wonder if there is a financial disparity that you're not appreciating. Perhaps he needs to work and wasn't able to pay petrol costs.

It's perfectly fine to say we visited you before, let's try somewhere else. I think you need to be prepared for that resulting in him not attending. If his primary commitment is work but he's trying to squeeze the reunion in then he might not have the time or resources to dedicate to spending time with you both.

@Passthecherrycoke thanks again for that response, that’s really useful constructive criticism which I should consider. I think I can take that on board from here on!

Why don't you just say "let us know when you've booked the week off work and we'll book our flights to make sure we can make the most of the trip"?

@TheMidasTouch MD of a TV production company. Everybody is pretty much 24/7 (if required) at my level, except for a 2 week break. Even then, I would be contacted in an emergency.

Some people seem to miss the point. You didnt go on holiday to Italy, you went to have a meet up with friends and he didnt bother about it. The money is about principle and being aware of other people's issues helps you decide what is important to you. If I was having a meet up with people and they spent the majority of time working I would be pissed off and wouldn't want to spend my time like that again so those talking about having to work need to consider that some people may not feel valued and not want to hang out with you and that is ok ...as is your desire to work all the time. You are just incompatible.

Dont bring it up but dont make the sme mistake again and definitely meet up elsewhere. If he doesnt want to then you can ask why and hopefully find out what the issue is. If it is money or problems with work then you can consider being accommodating but if it is just about you being low priorities then I wouldn't bother. He may also be happy to meet up elsewhere and end up having a better time.