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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children coming home from their Dad’s and making snacks all evening

99 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 12/11/2019 19:45

The 4DC aged 10-16yrs go to exh regularly, it’s a 70/30 split.

Mostly they stay overnight but on a Tuesday they come home after dinner at his. They always ALWAYS then go through the cupboards and make snacks. The 10yr old is making pasta as we speak. It’s driving me a bit mad.

AIBU to say something to him or at least tell the kids to fill up at Dad’s as I don’t budget to feed them on a Tues. Orrrrrr keep quiet and accept that’s part of having hungry, growing children.

OP posts:
Thatnovembernight · 12/11/2019 21:36

Well put @Mamasaurus82 . Most weeks I have to budget right down to individual pounds. Being caught out and needing midweek top ups can cause havoc (both financially and logistically) for a lot of people.

Irisloulou · 12/11/2019 21:44

I had this last week, dad had fed fruit and yogurt.
😬
It’s really annoying, I don’t want the mess or inconvenience.

Toast, bananas, cereal or fruit...and next time eat a real meal! It’s not too much to ask is it?

Tun55 · 12/11/2019 21:45

Just food OP, pasta can’t be so expensive! Have a word with their dad but feed your kids!! Cut down on something else!

Beansandcoffee · 12/11/2019 21:57

My teenagers are always looking in the fridge and cupboards for food about an hour after a meal. Standard normal behaviour for kids. Mine are like raked so certainly not greedy, they are growing daily at this age I’m sure. Let it go OP. As someone else said make a lasagna and then if they don’t want it you can have it for tea the next night.

BeanBag7 · 12/11/2019 22:02

You don't have to say no to food, but you can limit it to easy/ cheap/ filling foods. So they can have toast or cereal.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 12/11/2019 22:10

If you know it always happens, why don’t you plan for it rather than having to top up shop?? Also if it was me I’d be putting my foot down at 4 lots of mess being created for different “snacks” (since when was pasta a snack??) and directing them to relatively mess free bananas, apples and toast/cereal tbh.

Notodontidae · 12/11/2019 22:11

The two households deal with meal times differently, at least they're willing to get pasta out of the cupboard and cook it, well done them.
A cheap meal, and the autonomy in your home sounds about right, I dont dont think it's worth mentioning to ex. It's not easy with a split family, you're doing a great job keeping the peace.

RavenLG · 12/11/2019 22:19

Food is so divisive on here. You're either mean for not letting your 10 year old have a massive bowl of pasta AFTER a chippy tea, or you're feeding your kids shit and they will be obese and die if you give them any sugar through the day.

Imo pasta isn't a snack it's a meal and no child should be eating 2 meals an evening, especially such high carb meals. An actual snack by all means, (Fruit, natural yoghurt, nuts, hummus and carrots etc.) if they are actually hungry.

Aridane · 12/11/2019 22:31

Your post sounds like you are begrudge this because it is at your expense rather than his. Your comment, "I don't budget to feed them on a Tuesday".

It's so sad and childish when parents split up then engage in petty competitiveness about providing little things for their children. Like those parents who moan about how they bought three t-shirts for their child and get annoyed when one is left at the partner's house, and they want that t-shirt back. Are you so hard up you cant afford these snacks? REALLY? Or is this more about your anger towards him.

Very insightful !

Cherrysoup · 12/11/2019 22:34

What time are they eating at their dad’s? Is he making them share fish and chips or do they get their own? If they’re having their own, surely they’re full?

Aridane · 12/11/2019 22:39

@Mamasaurus82- OP has said she doesn't have budget issues, just that it buggers up meal planning, causes a mess and she doesn't like her ex

Aridane · 12/11/2019 22:42

@Cherrysoup - are you suggesting they are GREEDY? Grin

BlackeyedSusan · 12/11/2019 22:44

pisses me off too OP. ds has decide he wants to come home early and not eat at dads, which is bloody annoying as now I have to think of something nutritional for him rather than me eating up leftovers.

not cost, more the having to think, find something last minute, prepare, wash up, listen to the moans... instead of whacking a bit of salad in a wrap if I can't be arsed to feed myself anything requiring prep.

CoastalWave · 12/11/2019 22:56

Seriously. They're your kids! Does it matter if they eat on 'his' day?!

Honestly I don't understand this in the slightest.

DishingOutDone · 12/11/2019 22:56

OP - are you genuinely so short of money that this is an issue? Or do you genuinely begrudge the small amount of effort you are describing? Or simply begrudge them the food?

I can't get my head round someone posting this unless they were using food banks etc.

DishingOutDone · 12/11/2019 22:59

Think I cross posted it seems to have been established that its not due to poverty, and another poster has come on and said she feels the same about her kids.

I suppose we're supposed to be polite now ... Hmm

NoSquirrels · 12/11/2019 23:05

Food is so divisive on here. You're either mean for not letting your 10 year old have a massive bowl of pasta AFTER a chippy tea, or you're feeding your kids shit and they will be obese and die if you give them any sugar through the day.

^^This!

I’d be first enquiring what they had for tea (portion of chips = snack, whereas fish & chips & mushy peas, or pie & chips etc = meal).

Then I’d either a) tell ex to feed them more or b) tell kids they’ve had a main meal so a bowl of pasta is not a snack, make toast.

Honestly, if you fed your own kids a chippie tea would you then also let them cook a pasta meal a few hours later? I wouldn’t!

Cheese on toast
Beans on toast
Peanut butter & banana on toast

Glass of milk to go with.

all those are less mess than 4x DC cooking individual ‘snacks’ - would drive me bonkers.

They should definitely clean up after themselves!

Legoandloldolls · 12/11/2019 23:06

My 15 year old has had food as soon as he gets in from school then dinner with us, then a second serving of dinner, then either eats any more leftovers or cooks pasta before bed. Hes 5,7 weighs 8 stone, 28" waist so that's not just greed. Hes a bottomless pit!

I buy pesto or stir in pasta sauces just to fill him up. It's cheap and he gets the nutrients he needs from dinner. You could offer to cook ( or get your kids) to cook one batch of pasta or something like that after dads saying it's that or nothing.

If left to graze mine are like locusts. But they are like rakes. I find the never ending plates more grating. I think it's a mix of they maybe eat to early but also feel they can so just find a new rule to fit this. It could also just be the start of the bottomless pit stage!

Starlight456 · 12/11/2019 23:10

@stucknoue . I do that with super noodles . I feel slightly better if we add sweetcorn or peas.

I think with teens you need to have nutritional food available

A big bowl of pasta , pop in passata or tune and sweetcorn , keep it in the fridge .

I bake quiches.

BillHadersNewWife · 12/11/2019 23:21

Dishing some people have JUST enough to buy the basics to feed their family. They might not use foodbanks because they DO have enough to get by on....but "enough to get by on" is JUST enough. It's eked out. I've been there...knowing exactly what we will eat for each meal or snack for a week...counting out fishfingers....checking there's enough for two each for the children....counting out bread slices "That's enough for the DC toast in the morning and their sandwiches"

And knowing that if someone eats a slice, then someone else will go short....and there's no money for more for a day....that's reality for thousands of people.

Doesn't mean they use foodbanks though.

DishingOutDone · 12/11/2019 23:29

@Bill - the OP has said its not a money issue and I said I realised I had cross posted. Lots of others have questioned if its a money issue, so you need to RTFT and then highlight @ each poster who has asked if its about money. HTH.

WidoWanky · 12/11/2019 23:34

I don't think you are being petty.

My kids often used to come home from their dads hungry. A happy meal didn't do it for them... and that was when he bothered. But sods law... if i prepared a meal he would have filled them with sweets and crap. So it was generally a loaf for toast. Or crumpets if i was feeling flush.

And for those saying it can't be a money issue.... yes...it can be. I was earning min wage, had been left with a mortgage 13 times my income and no maintenance from the ex... it was bloody difficult!!! So a night with no food costs to me was a bonus.

Plus the ongoing issue of the kitchen never being "closed" and clean... and the on going mess... just have to get on with that bit...that never stops..😆

Antigon · 12/11/2019 23:44

@RubbingHimSourly

I'd make them a cheap, basic pasta sauce. Literally a tin of tomatoes, onion, puree, water and spices. Add a bag of pasta in, top with cheese if you're feeling generous.

Why are people telling OP how to make pasta sauce when she said in her OP that the kids are cooking for themselves? Confused

wariorqueenie · 12/11/2019 23:46

Sorry OP but I think you are being massively UR - My son would demolish a huge dinner such as mince and dumplings, mash etc - a couple of hours later he'd be raiding the kitchen cupboards 'starving' Hmm

You've said they've been fed at the chippy - being their main home I''d be mortified if my child didn't feel they couldn't help themselves to snacks if still hungry (as a teen when any reasonable person wouldn't)

wariorqueenie · 12/11/2019 23:50

WidoWanky Tue 12-Nov-19 23:34:54
I don't think you are being petty.

My kids often used to come home from their dads hungry. A happy meal didn't do it for them... and that was when he bothered. But sods law... if i prepared a meal he would have filled them with sweets and crap. So it was generally a loaf for toast. Or crumpets if i was feeling flush.

And for those saying it can't be a money issue.... yes...it can be. I was earning min wage, had been left with a mortgage 13 times my income and no maintenance from the ex... it was bloody difficult!!! So a night with no food costs to me was a bonus.

Was your situation the same as OP's in as a 70/30 split? So you would have the main benefits from the government and mortgage paid for being a minimum age earner and no maintenance?