To think I’m incompatible with life

[freshoutofducks]

I have never posted on an Internet forum before but I seem to have gotten to the stage where I am just so desperate for any type of advice that I am facing my fears of posting on the internet!

I went to university when I was 18 having just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Lasted a semester, had a break down and came home. Tried again the next year, lasted till even less time, had a breakdown, came home. Worked in various jobs. Hated retail - felt so uncomfortable and out of place. Worked in various offices. I’m ok for about a year, then I just breakdown because I feel so bored and stuck and incompatible with everyone else/corporate values of company.

Applied for uni again for a teaching degree - love placements and the environment of school. I am commuting from home so don’t have to worry about living with strangers. Managed to just about get through first year. But I cannot cope with university itself. I am so isolated and really struggle to mix with the other students. Assignments terrify me and I have not been able to hand any in this year. I’m now at the stage where I feel paralysed with fear just looking at them.

I am awaiting an assessment for ADD and ASD but have no idea if I have them or whether my symptoms are just a side effect of depression/anxiety/meds. I have had a load of different therapies but am bound by what is offered on the NHS.

I have a wonderful supportive husband and wonderful supportive parents. I just feel like I am such a burden on them. I can’t seem to meet what is expected of me and function like an adult. I feel embarrassed that I feel so miserable despite all of their support and from my view it seems like their lives would be so much better without me in it.

If anyone can relate/has any advice please let me know. I will try anything!

Life can be really tough for some people. My DP also has similar struggles to yourself but has eventually finished a degree after 6 years of trying. If there was a different route to get where she wants to be then she would have taken it.

Throughout her struggles with studying she also had other issues and she 100% felt like a burden to me and the rest of the family. I struggled, of course I did (still do) and I get frustrated and even angry at times with how difficult things were/are for her but I have not ever thought of her as a burden as she's my world. Your family will feel the same.

I completely understand the frustration in getting correct diagnoses for whatever the underlying issue might be for you, I'm 95% sure my DP has ADHD but it is so tough to get it diagnosed, especially in adult women, that I'm almost losing hope. She just takes anxiety meds and SSRIs for depression, they help but I feel they are a tiny mask on a massive face if that makes sense. I myself am completely convinced that I have ASD (I Know it actually) but again, getting a diagnosis is almost impossible what with work and other things having to take priority.

I don't know what the answer is for you but perhaps take a back step from education and get into a working environment. I know that classroom assistant jobs are relatively common and having a first year of Uni behind you will I'm sure prove advantageous for this. University is a lot of pressure, not just the workload but the whole thing of it. It sounds like perhaps just putting a pause on it and working on yourself would be a good thing and if you do it you shouldn't feel that it is failing. We all have to take a step back to take more steps forwards at some points in our lives, it's not shameful and shows internal insight and maturity in my opinion.

Good luck with everything.

I dont know if this will help but I can relate to what you are saying. I feel like I have started lots of things and then moved onto something else.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. You say you enjoy the school setting. Keep that in your mind to help you complete the work needed for that to be your everyday reality. You can do this. Break the work down and plan your study so you give yourself plenty of breaks. Reward your effort with something you really enjoy.

You will make it!

@WestSideSnorey and @Gamechange thank you so much for your kind words of advice - I didn’t think anyone would reply so I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

I have tried breaking things down but nothing seems to be working for me at the moment - it’s as if I have a brain blockage and just can’t think straight, let alone write anything of any academic worth down! I will look into other options and hopefully won’t feel as stuck- although if I keep not handing assignments in it will probably be decided for me!

I’m so sorry you feel this way. I think the most important thing is to heal yourself internally rather than just trying to battle through and get things done.

I’m concerned that you use the phrase “better off without me” trust me their lives would be forever destroyed without you.

Do you feel safe currently? If not please visit A&E. if you are currently safe please see your GP tomorrow or access student welfare tomorrow.

Big hugs. You can and will move forward from this, please take the time to heal yourself, everything else will follow.

@Lifeover thank you so much for your kind words. I’m feeling a bit better at the moment - moods can be so weird. Sometimes it feels like everything is crumbling and then other times it feels like maybe it will all be ok. No GP appointments until December unfortunately but I have booked one for then.

In terms of not handing assignments in, have you spoken to your course leaders? I would do this straight away to explain what is happening and get them on side. It might be that you get back on track in a few weeks. If not, at least they know you are struggling and can help.

I would go through and think about all the things that you do and what you do and don't like and why. For me, I really like to be autonomous and work independently. I really dislike group work and interruptions. Finding an environment that suits you and all your quirks will be far better than trying to shoe horn yourself into something.

Why do you struggle with the other students? Do you really need to mix with them or can you just pitch up for lectures/say hello?

In terms of getting assignments done. The best approach for me is the next action technique. So, you have to write an essay.... What do I need to do first? Go to the library and get some books out. Then what? Read relevant chapter of first book. Etc. Just chip away one task at a time. Try not to think of the whole thing as that can be overwhelming. Before you know it, a lot of little tasks will result in one big project complete.

It sounds odd, but could you have ADHD?

It would explain the lack of motivation, boredom and the general inability to cope with the everyday mundane things. It's also commonly misdiagnosed as depression/anxiety.

What were you like as a child OP? That might give more insight into whether you could have ADD or ASD.

Does your university have a disability advisor? Might be worth looking into whether you might qualify for some additional support as a student with a long term mental health condition eg anxiety

ADD - I was thinking it when I read your title, it's what made me click. I have it - had no idea until I was 25 - and diagnosis and treatment has helped so much. "Incompatible with life" was EXACTLY how I felt :o Sorry - not really funny at all, it's so difficult.

I still feel shit at life and like I'm not a real adult, but I'm not totally hopeless any more.

Hello are you an introvert? I think I'm abit of one. I like to stick with a couple of people and whilst I'll happy talk to people I don't want smothering. Constant request to meet, social occasions like weddings and going clubbing all make me feel awkward and anxious.

What things make you happy? Do you want to be more outgoing? Or are you happy with your head in a book etc? I'm 30 now with two kids. I think this year is the year I finally found myself. I'm happy in my clothes and feel less self conscious. My kids have really changed me.

I don't have any advice as you are already doing more than me. I worked for ten years but never did uni etc. I just wanted to say not everyone is a social butterfly x

Another poster saying to go and find your uni disability team. They can offer loads of support, including mentoring, for students with MH issues.

I would agree with advice to visit the university disability advisers / educational support advisers - whatever job title they have at your university. They have a wealth of experience working with students with similar difficulties and can help you identify ways to make progress going forward. They will work with your descriptions of experiences...not just the labels you may or may not have. They can also, with your permission, liaise with lecturers to support you and cut some slack if that's considered appropriate.

Your university should also have more general student support which can be a bit more holistic and help you address your feelings of isolation from other students.

OP...you go to great lengths to outline your many perceived failings or life flops. However, attaintment per se is not everything in life you know. You're clearly a super wife and soulmate, a loving daughter, a trier who is willing to take risks and try new things as well as being a kind and humble human being who is keen to seek support and help.....please be a bit kinder to yourself. Life's a long journey that you've not travelled too far along yet......💐

Some students I work with I suggest they try out speech to text on their phones for completing essays - just compose an email to yourself, select the microphone option on the keyboard (android phones) and speak out what you want to say. Send email and open it on a computer and copy/paste to Word or whatever program you need to work in.

This option can sometimes work well with the speed of thoughts that come to students with ADHD - they sometimes describe to me that they're not able to type out as quickly as what they are thinking, lose trains of thought and then become frustrated. Speech to text can be that good now that it can cope with very fast dictation and has very good accuracy even for subject specfic terminology (clear articulation is important , of course!). You would need to go through it to make corrections however.

@BarbaraFromOopNorth yes course leaders are aware so I have been given extensions etc. But it feels like that is just delaying the problem and not really fixing it. I’ve lost all confidence in my academic ability and the thought of even writing a sentence for an essay makes me feel sick.

In terms of mixing with other students, again I suppose it is lack of confidence. I’m older so I stick out that way, but I also just feel like I’m this boring weird person and I don’t want to force myself on anyone. We have to mix for seminars and there is quite a lot of group work so I just end up not saying much, or if I do say something then I’ll over analyse it in my head and criticise everything I did . Just end up feeling on edge most of the time!

@Fakeflowersaremynewnormal pretty anxious as a kid. Had a few friends but felt like I didn’t fit in. Terrible at time management and finishing tasks but was also terrified to be told off so stayed out of trouble as much as I could. Didn’t finish my exams as I ran out of time but managed to get ok results.

@totallyradllama I do qualify for a support mentor but staff shortages have meant I haven’t been able to have any sessions so far - hopefully something will be sorted soon

@BertieBotts that’s great that you got a diagnosis - how long did it take you to be seen? NHS waiting times state it’s only meant to be 3 months but my local service say it’s going to be 18 months! So frustrating when I don’t even know if that’s my problem or if it’s something else

@Allthecake89 I am definitely an introvert but I also get a real sense of achievement and self-worth when I am able to help someone. I feel like a bit of a contradiction! I am so pleased for you that you are feeling confident in your own skin and I am sure you are a wonderful parent to your children. Thank you for your kind words

I can’t seem to meet what is expected of me and function like an adult.

I don't have much advice but I wanted to say I relate to this, as well as feeling 'incompatible with life' sometimes too. I've achieved some things I'm proud of, and I have more I aim to achieve, but I kind of feel like I don't know how to have a proper grown-up job and life without something going terribly wrong/having some kind of breakdown . Although I have had a difficult year so that has made me quite pessimistic at the moment.

@Tinkobell you made me cry (in a good way)! Thank you so much for your heartfelt words, it means a lot to hear such kindness

@suggestionsplease1 thank you for your suggestion I have had a go at this but the system seems to hate my voice. It’s probably something to do with me mumbling and I should really give it another go. The description you gave about students unable to type as quickly as their thoughts sounds really like me - I will mention this when I next see someone

Firstly, bloody well done you for coming back to uni’ after such a tough time first time around. You clearly have courage and determination. Push the uni’ for the mentor support. Some one-to-one support will really help. (I’m a mentor in higher education). Get back to your Disability Services department and say you need the support.

I can’t seem to meet what is expected of me and function like an adult. Try and look at it from the other way round - you don't yet have a definitive diagnosis but you do have some problem, whether it be ADD/ASD/depression/anxiety. And yet you have already secured a place at uni, something that 50% of people don't do. That is an achievement. You're capable of earning your living - you leave because of boredom, not because you can't do the work. Another achievement. Accept that life is difficult for you, and congratulate yourself for what you have achieved. This sounds like well-meaning claptrap, but aside from the lucky chance of not being worried by exams and assignments, I've been where you are. In my case life-long depression.

I feel embarrassed that I feel so miserable despite all of their support and from my view it seems like their lives would be so much better without me in it. That won't be true, and, like me, you will get to a place where you no longer believe it.

I don’t want to force myself on anyone. Oh, that feels so familiar! I suppose, all I can say is - I've had long periods of feeling worthless, a freak, long periods when my first thought on waking up each day has been of how to put an end to it all. But at the moment not only do I recognise that other people do value me, I really can't imagine how it was that I couldn't see that before. So keep going - there is hope.

And you enjoy placements!! I could never do that - how do you manage to face a class of children?

Finally - remember what Tinkobell said: "You're clearly a super wife and soulmate, a loving daughter, a trier who is willing to take risks and try new things as well as being a kind and humble human being who is keen to seek support and help"