To think I’m incompatible with life

[freshoutofducks]

I have never posted on an Internet forum before but I seem to have gotten to the stage where I am just so desperate for any type of advice that I am facing my fears of posting on the internet!

I went to university when I was 18 having just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Lasted a semester, had a break down and came home. Tried again the next year, lasted till even less time, had a breakdown, came home. Worked in various jobs. Hated retail - felt so uncomfortable and out of place. Worked in various offices. I’m ok for about a year, then I just breakdown because I feel so bored and stuck and incompatible with everyone else/corporate values of company.

Applied for uni again for a teaching degree - love placements and the environment of school. I am commuting from home so don’t have to worry about living with strangers. Managed to just about get through first year. But I cannot cope with university itself. I am so isolated and really struggle to mix with the other students. Assignments terrify me and I have not been able to hand any in this year. I’m now at the stage where I feel paralysed with fear just looking at them.

I am awaiting an assessment for ADD and ASD but have no idea if I have them or whether my symptoms are just a side effect of depression/anxiety/meds. I have had a load of different therapies but am bound by what is offered on the NHS.

I have a wonderful supportive husband and wonderful supportive parents. I just feel like I am such a burden on them. I can’t seem to meet what is expected of me and function like an adult. I feel embarrassed that I feel so miserable despite all of their support and from my view it seems like their lives would be so much better without me in it.

If anyone can relate/has any advice please let me know. I will try anything!

Could you try distance learning like the OU? To be honest most of us are faking it. It's just that seem people are better at it than others.

I have no helpful advice, but I've often felt like this.

I went through school, but started not being able to cope and skipping classes during GCSEs and a levels. Went to uni, dropped out as unable to cope. Went back to uni, couldn't cope, switched course. Finally made it through. Then failed to get a job for over a year. Then just a long merry-go-round of get a job (for between few weeks to a year), fail to keep going or short term contract ends, then on benefits looking for a job.

Met my now DH and have kids so currently a sahm and actually pretty happy with life, but I'm dreading the day when I'll have to try to pull together a CV with so many gaps in it is practically lace, and try to get back to work.

I really feel there's something wrong with me, that I don't fit, and efforts to make myself fit stress me to the point I just run away from it all. I can't do anything, it's humiliating.

I've tried so many times to talk to people or get help, but no one understands.

I think most of us are incompatible with modern life as it is so stressful. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You need a break and some councelling.

Exactly as pp said well done you for going back it ain't easy speaking as a mature student myself. Don't overlook the determination you've shown and the hard work it's taken to get there.your post really resonated with me as I too have that inner self sabotaging voice that has made me want to stop the world and get off on many occasions.. For me I find getting back to real basics helps.. Take a day off and concentrate on things like having a good breakfast and get out for a nice walk... Exactly like a pp said... Do little tasks.. Perhaps making an appointment to speak to some supports again and let that be enough for the day... Sometimes switching off completely just for a day helps... It can be soo mentally consuming even thinking about starting but you'll get there... For what it's worth I would have loved to have met someone like you when I went back to college... Tbh the younger students did my head in and we sound like we've alot in common.

@raskolnikova sorry to hear that you are having a tough year. It sounds like you have achieved a lot and I’m sure you will continue to do so thank you for making me feel like I am not alone

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am glad that you are in a happier place now and thank you for giving me hope.

@AnxietyDream I understand and I hope you can get the help you deserve. It sounds like you have achieved a lot - you completed a degree and are a wonderful parent. I know I can’t exactly talk about being positive about oneself, but from my perspective it seems like you are doing a good job. Hopefully you will be able to see that too

@Janebeesley thank you so much for your advice - getting back to basics sounds like a sensible (and achievable!) target. Are you sure you don’t want to come back to uni and be my friend?

Google executive function difficulties and poor central coherence. They are both often experienced by people with ASD and could explain your problems with assignments.

I'm a uni lecturerfor context. I have some students like you, and for the most part the one thing I wish is that they would speak with disability services and/or me earlier. Once you've missed a couple of deadlines things become overwhelming, but if I know early, I can put things in place to help you succeedbecause if you can meet the learning objectives (which are what you need to be able to show you know, not the ability to write an essay), I very much want you to succeed.

With the group stuffyep, lots of the students are younger than you, some of them will be from different backgrounds. The groups that are most successful degree wide at my institution are more diverse groupsyou have something valuable to say! I can tell you're very bright, because otherwise not being able to finish exams would have meant you failed at school, which also means you could help your groups succeed. And you know what, the workplace is diverse, so working with others is a good experience for them and for you!

I believe you can succeed OP, and I would do everything in my power to clear the roadblocks if I were your teacher.

OP its just a thought but have you thought about maybe turning something you enjoy into a business and work for yourself? Maybe if you have a talent for a particular thing? This would give you control and allow yourself to set your own schedual therefor giving you more freedom to pursue your career on your own terms? Just an idea...

I can't offer any practical advice @freshoutofducks but I just wanted to say that I bet people see yiu very differently to how you see yourself. I know that doesn't solve anything really but I have been through some rough times in recent years for various reasons and sometimes the realisation that other people value me has given me the boost that I need to keep pushing forward with challenges when I feel like giving up.
Tinkobell has already said much of what I was going to say, but let's just think about done of the things we have learned about you from this thread so far....
You are articulate with a good command of English. Look at how many people have been able to relate to your situation. A lot of that is because you write well and express yourself clearly - excellent attributes that will help you with your course and beyond. You may be anxious about writing your assignments but I imagine your tutors will enjoy reading them.
You are persistent. Things have not been easy for you but you keep trying. You've been knocked down but you get up again. That shows great strength of character.
You are not afraid to challenge yourself or to try different things. You have dreams and ambitions and you are willing to work hard and to step outside your comfort zone.
You are loved. You have a supportive partner and family. You are speciial to them, and probably to more people than you realise.
You have insight and you are willing to accept help.
You are kind. Thst is obvious from the replies that you have given to others on this thread. You are empathic and supportive of others.
There is probably a lot more, but those are the things that struck me. You sound like someone with a lot to offer the world.

As someone who had to abort a baby at 22 weeks because it was actually "incompatible with life" I think you need to ask MN HQ to amend your title!

However, I'm also not a complete dick and see you're struggling. Is there any way you can complete your course just by doing placements and then doing assignments from home so you don't need to actually attend uni? I trained to become a TA instead of a teacher because I only had to be in college for half a day a week. Being a TA meant less responsibility and less paperwork which suited me perfectly as I was always worried I would mess up actually leading a class

The title is fine - no need to ask for it to be amended.

@freshoutofducks certainly speak to the wellbeing team again and again. You are doing brilliantly managing to get through first year!

Have you joined any society? I bet you there is mature student society and some more about things you enjoy so that could help you get in with the people. I was mature student and I just slowly found my group, which was mix of mature and young. I was still the oldest, but it was ok. Remember there are people in their 60s now attending universities. Anyone, any age, so don't feel conscious about your age.

I had a friend who used to get absolute block thinking she never knows enough to write about it. Ended up with distinction in college....
Just write ANYTHING. When I started, I stared at my paper for an hour. Then just wrote anything which would fit the question, which was usually abysmal language, grammar horrified even me, but it helped me get my thoughts out, and then started changing it into something what could be deemed academic writing.

And the title is fine. Well understandable. Don't stress over it.

OP it sounds like you do really well at “hands on”, practical things like actually leading a class, and it’s things like written assignments that you struggle with?

If so, maybe uni just isn’t the right place for you and you would be better off working your way up from the bottom going straight into a more practical job? We are sold this story about how everyone needs to go to uni but I think actually lots of people aren’t suited to it and there’s no point forcing it if the experience is causing you so much stress.

My DS quit uni after a term and became a police officer. Best decision she ever made, she loves her job and hated studying/ reading/ writing essays.

Best of luck whichever path you take, you sound lovely.

Oh! And I forgot. Have you tried adult colouring books? They helped me so much to calm down when stressed and worked wonders on my concentration. I have ADHD so had to try lots of techniques and this one worked for me. And vitamin D

Sounds like ASD

The open uni is great!

OP, try and take heart from the comments on this thread ....from people who hear what you are and what you're doing and are mightily impressed! You are a cherished person by your family, husband and friends....don't go down this "they'd all be better off without me" thinking any further, because they would most certainly not! If you ended your life everyone who cares for you would be hurt forever, that's the truth. You are not defined by some bloody uni degree or job.....though it sounds like you've plenty to offer, you've just struggled like many people to find your niche in life; but have faith that it will be out there. Loads of people have MH titles or labels...half of my family do, but we just trundle on and live with it. Most people I've learnt are muddling along one way or another you know, it's just some mask it better than others. Take heart, take small steps each day and try and reach for help suggested on this thread. X

I felt like that and turned out I had adhd. I have but simplifying my life (minimalism in every aspect) very helpful and for the first time in my adult life I keep a tidy house (there's not much in it to be fair) and I don't feel completely overwhelmed all the time.

I'm not in the UK OP so my diagnosis process won't be of use to you. But part of ADHD for me is massive procrastination so it actually took me probably about 3 years from suspecting to diagnosis. I would say to you just get on the waiting list. It will come around sooner than you think.

Thank you everyone for your really helpful and kind words. I was terrified to publish post but it has actually turned out to be incredibly useful. It does show me that not everything has to be so scary and not everything is lost! This post has helped me talk to my family and has given them an insight into my thought process.

I’m going to have a few more chats with various uni departments to see what they can advise with regards to going forwards. I’m also going to have a look at my options outside of uni. Thank you to everyone for contributing - you have helped me to feel much more positive about the future

*publish this post

Well done @freshoutofducks! Definitely a good idea to be resourceful and look at options. I wonder if you come from a high achieving / career focused family? Sometimes when this happens people rely heavily on their education and careers for self-actualisation. There’s nothing wrong with that other than it is sort of putting all of your eggs into one basket - so the personal loss can hurt more if things don’t work out. Do consider broadening yourself as a person beyond the world of academics or career into hobby clubs or volunteering etc. There is nothing at all wrong in this world with holding down a simple, manageable job that’s kind to your well being and having a life outside of work etc. Very best of luck!