Mum making my Hen party all about her

[Hafa9141]

I know some people on here see me as "one of those people" because I have posted about my mum before but I was hoping for some support about this issue.
I'm getting married in May and everything apart from my hen do is sorted (I'm laid back and was just going to do a meal with friends and family and a night out with my closest friends)

My mum has decided this isn't what she wants to do and has taken it upon herself (even though I specifically told her my best friend is sorting everything and I trust him to) to set up a WhatsApp group for a trip to London with people I wasn't going to invite including people I barely talk to who she is friends with. She has decided this needs sorting NOW not after Christmas as "people's diaries are getting full" which is a load of rubbish.
She has invited some of my friends and partners side of the family but not all of them, leaving them out intentionally.
I am so annoyed because she knows I want something low key, I personally don't like going to London because I'm from a quiet town near Liverpool and not everybody can afford a £300 weekend away 6 weeks before my wedding.
She has also planned a second hen do in Liverpool having afternoon tea so that my nan and elderly godmother can come? She knows I hate things like that and would rather have EVERYBODY at one big meal and a night out.
Am I being a psycho about this? I barely slept lastnight with the anxiety.

Does your DM maybe have an issue with your hen being arranged by a male friend? I am assuming you will be having males at it and maybe she thing that doesn't constitute a hen do in her eyes. I had men at my hen so I have no issue with this, just a thought really.

"When has it been a thing for mothers to attend hen parties anyway?"

Maybe it depends on what's been planned?

I had a bbq at my parents.

I'm sure that that is far too boring for some.

Op's plan wouldn't particularly appeal to me, but my mum would have loved it!

Hope you manage to get your own group set up & everything sorted!

Cancel it. You now have the perfect opportunity to start changing the relationship you have with her. She sounds controlling with very little respect for you as an adult. More so, she is already creating issues for your with your dp family by excluding some people as they are going to think you were a part of it.
Put your foot down else shes soon going to be meddling in your marriage.

Definitely YANBU, but sort it out now before people have paid money for hotels, etc. It's bad enough having to go to other people's big hen events if it's not your thing, but when it's your wedding you should be allowed to choose how you celebrate it. Well done to your partner for letting you know what was going on.

OP, you need to clearly explain to your mum that you are not attending. There doesn't need to be anything further- just keep stating that you didn't want it and won't be there.

You could also message everyone in the group chat and tell them you won't be in attendance to stop them wasting their money, but that's only if you feel like it- it's your mother's responsibility.

Talk to your mum.

Then if she continues, get screenshots from your bf to compose a 'this isn't happening' post and get bf to add you to the group to post it.

Is your mum Dawn Ward??

Sounds like you have it in hand, getting people you dont really know to organise your Liverpool Hen night?! I would be mortified - they can hardly say no can they

Sounds as though your DM just fancies a big old time in London, and is using your Hen do as an excuse to make sure people go with her! Stick to what YOU want.

My mum has decided this isn't what she wants to do

Then she need not do it.
& neither need you attend her ridiculpus shindigs, which are NOTHING to do with you or your upcoming marriage, & everything to do with her.

You need to own this OP, or you are going to end up swept along with her arrangements & resenting every minute of it.

*She knows I hate things like that&
& yet the selfish twerp persists in over-riding you.
Are you going to accept that?

Or are you going to tell her that

1. my hen do is already being arranged, stop interfering
2. I will ONLY be attending MY OWN HEN.
3. Anything else you are arranging - which you already know I am not in favour of - is off your own bat, & NOT MY HEN DO.
4. As you didn't hear me the first time, here it is again - I DO NOT WANT your overwhelming arrangements, & will not be attending them.

"Stop taking over my hen night. I just want to have a meal with friends. I don't want to go to London. I don't want to have afternoon tea. If you want to do those things, do them with your own friends."

@HollowTalk this is ace.
OP I hope you feel able to do this.
Your mum is ridiculous, & a fucking pain in the arse.

^^ this

This is all fantastic support and advice everybody thank you!!
This is the same woman who considered a 50th bday party, said no it's ok I don't fancy it now. The day we tell her we've booked a date? Decides she wants a party.
Plans it all herself, venue, theme, the lot AND sends out a gift list to everyone with the EXACT links of what she wants which were all expensive things.
The same woman who calls me a brat for not wanting to have bridesmaids at my wedding because it's a laid back small affair 🙄🙄

I agree with everyone here, you need to sit down and have a good hard talk about this. Where i am from, mothers are actually not invited to Hen parties. There is ussually a small dinner or afternoon tea somewhere local for the older people. I couldn't bear it if my mother was at my hen, i just dont think it appropriate. I know people will diasgree with me but my mother is my mother not my friend. Go with waht hollow talk says

Yanbu. I'm glad you're going to stand up for yourself. People are selfish idiots. Be as firm as you can and make sure everyone is on the same page YOUR PAGE.

She sounds overbearing and controlling OP, it also sounds like she is using her senior position in work to strong arm your co-workers into organising your Liverpool hen do.

This is image management for her isn't it, she will invite the "right" people, and have the "right" type of night out and you are still a small child who has no say in what is happening in your life.

"calls me a brat for not wanting to have bridesmaids at my wedding"

Was she hoping to be one

"my mother is my mother not my friend."

Well some mothers are both.

If my hen night had involved stripper(s)/chocolate cocks/getting drunk & snogging strangers for example I probably wouldn't have wanted her there!

@diddl no she wanted 2 of my very young (under 9) cousins as bridesmaids and couldn't understand when I said i don't want any as fiancé has 6 nieces about that age and others would then expect it.
Plus I'm not a very girly girl so I don't have a lot of female freinds my own age.
She couldn't understand traditionally bridesmaids were friends, sisters, cousins s etc of the bride. Not their 9 nieces and cousins all under the age of 17 👌🏻

"My mum has decided this isn't what she wants to do and has taken it upon herself (even though I specifically told her my best friend is sorting everything and I trust him to) to set up a WhatsApp group for a trip to London with people I wasn't going to invite including people I barely talk to who she is friends with."
Your mum has decided it isn't what she wants to do. The CF. Who the heck does she think she is?

Put a message on WhatsApp:
'Please ignore my mum - this must be her idea of a joke as this kind of outing is my worst nightmare and I definitely won't be going to it. In any event, my best friend (insert name) is organising my hen do and I'm only having one of them. Numbers will be restricted so, sadly, some of you will miss out on invites but I'm sure I can rely on your understanding.

@ChuckleBuckles you've hit the nail on the head!
She is a perfectionist and very much cares about image etc. I am not I don't care what people look like, what they wear etc. If we get along, that's all I care about.
People forget how well I know her. She wants a "cute girly weekend away seeing a show, daytime drinking and a stay over in a boutique hotel" NOPE 😂

@TheMidasTouch she is very cheeky indeed. Doesn't seem to actually give a hoot about what I want and like.
The idea with the one night out is whoever can make it, can come! So hopefully people won't miss out, it's also much cheaper as people can have whatever they want to eat at a meal out and as much or as little as they want to drink etc.
I'm not a controlling person about others, only when it concerns me having to do something I'm not comfortable with.

OP good luck with putting your foot down. Say no to everything but maybe concede on the afternoon tea. Round where I live only a miniscule number of brides have their DM or DMiL along to a hen night and certainly don't let them dictate what the hen night is. How awful for the friend organising the one you want.

And if she doesn't give way I agree - flag it on whatsapp. Point out she can have a Mother of the Bride weekend in London if she wants but you won't be there.

Tell everyone you don't want it but also make it clear to people that if any "surprises" are organised that you won't be joining in. Luckily my friend told me about the "surprise hen do" that was being organised for me, I didn't want one at all and similarly it was a family member who has form for taking over and making it about themselves organising it.

I had a "surprise" done for me, once. When I was confronted by everyone, I said "this wasn't what I wanted" and walked out.

I did get some people complaining about my rudeness, but I pushed back and said I was clear to lots of people that I didn't want a surprise party, so it was all on their own head.

Hope it went ok, op!