Mum making my Hen party all about her

[Hafa9141]

I know some people on here see me as "one of those people" because I have posted about my mum before but I was hoping for some support about this issue.
I'm getting married in May and everything apart from my hen do is sorted (I'm laid back and was just going to do a meal with friends and family and a night out with my closest friends)

My mum has decided this isn't what she wants to do and has taken it upon herself (even though I specifically told her my best friend is sorting everything and I trust him to) to set up a WhatsApp group for a trip to London with people I wasn't going to invite including people I barely talk to who she is friends with. She has decided this needs sorting NOW not after Christmas as "people's diaries are getting full" which is a load of rubbish.
She has invited some of my friends and partners side of the family but not all of them, leaving them out intentionally.
I am so annoyed because she knows I want something low key, I personally don't like going to London because I'm from a quiet town near Liverpool and not everybody can afford a £300 weekend away 6 weeks before my wedding.
She has also planned a second hen do in Liverpool having afternoon tea so that my nan and elderly godmother can come? She knows I hate things like that and would rather have EVERYBODY at one big meal and a night out.
Am I being a psycho about this? I barely slept lastnight with the anxiety.

The London thing - just say no, tell her you're not going and are going to arrange your own event to your own tastes. If she wants go on a trip to London, the let her. You don't have to go.

The tea with your gran sounds like a nice thing to do for your older relatives, so I think you are being a bit precious about that. A cup of tea and a cake won't kill you!!

"Tell your mum tonight ..."

Just say you don't want it and aren't going.

Problematic to have a Hen party without the bride.

When has it been a thing for mothers to attend hen parties anyway?
The whole point is letting your hair down, who wants their mother there
Just tell her it's up to her what she does but without the bride there she's going to look pretty daft and will cost her quite a lot.

@MrsExpo oh I am not adverse to doing something with my nan and older relatives but they are not old at heart.
When I mentioned in front of everybody a night at a drag show sounds fun she was like oh I'd love to come to that.
The thing my mum has organised in London (without any of the older relatives and a few others) was a drag show and cabaret style event.
She wants a party night without people she doesn't want there and I'm not having that.

@Hafa9141

What a pain! I would say no too, and message everyone to tell them.

Is your mum really young? Or does she just act it?

I can't imagine doing this to my adult DC.

I do know a few mums who try and live their lives through their DC though, and they are usually the ones who had their kids very young.

Someone I know got married in 2016 aged 22, and her mum was 39 (so had her at 17,) and you'd have thought it was HER getting married; she completely took over everything. Hen do, wedding guest list, choosing the flowers and venue, and she even invited herself onto the honeymoon ... cringe ...

Now the young woman I know has had a baby, (just gone one year old,) and her mother has virtually taken over raising the baby.

How the young mum and her DH stand it I don't know. I think they are both just VERY passive and timid.

If I were her (AND if I were you,) I would move house, leave town, and not pass on my forwarding address to my mother!

What the others said. Stand firm , if she wants to organise something separate with her friends then fine, but it isn't a hen night and you won't be going.

Christ, leave her to it and don't attend! She'll look like an idiot, right?

Yeah, what could possibly go wrong with all the OTHER people having no idea, and being scammed into a non-hen do?

Just get your friend to organise what you want, when you want it and invite who you want. Tell your mother you won’t be going to London, and make sure everyone on the what’s app group understand this is not your hen do, it’s something being organised by your mother for her friends

Send out a message on your own Whatsapp group now, including all the people who you want to invite, laying out what will be happening for your Hen Night and saying that your friend is organizing it. If anyone mentions your Mum's plan, feign ignorance and say that no, your friend is the one organizing it. Ignore your Mum's plan. As she hasn't discussed it with you, it doesn't exist.

I'd set up a Whatsapp group with everyone you're planning to invite to tell them that your hen night will be organised after Christmas on the group you've set up.

Other arrangements planned for London are art of an event planned by your mother and are not linked to your hen night.

If she deliberately tramples all over everything you've asked, you have to confront the issue head on. If you don't deal with this promptly, people will start to pay money to your mother and you'll end up getting railroaded.

Can you ask your bff to send a message in the group saying this is not what Hafa wants and she will be organising an event of her choosing in Liverpool later? I bloody would. who is going to attend the London thing when you don't want to?!

Expensive OTT hen parties are the worst, especially when it wasn't even your idea. Good luck tonight, and I hope you enjoy your proper hen night when it rolls around x

I forgot to mention she's set up the WhatsApp group without my knowledge and without me in it. I've found out purely by chance that someone has asked my fiancé why she's had a message off my mum.

Someone did this for mine, after I’d explicitly said I didn’t want a party, L plates and shots hen do. I just wanted a meal with my friends.
She decided that really I DID want all those things, I just didn’t know it yet. I knew nothing about it until I turned up yo what I thought was a quiet drink with her, only to be met by a small assortment of whoever she could scare up, a fancy dress costume to wear, and a ghastly procession round a few empty pubs in my small town.

It was awful. You need to say no to her OP!

Contact anyone you would have invited to YOUR hen do and tell them your mother's London trip is not the actual hen do. Tell them your best friend will be in touch about the real hen do. If you can get one of them to post this message in the WhatsApp group,that would also be helpful.

Then step away from the crazy. Let your mother have her not-hen do. Let all her friends that she's invited spend the trip asking where you are.

She sounds a total PITA.

What @thecatsthecats and @Drum2018 said. Give the mother a way out kinda thing to not humiliate her in front of everyone. Either you or she (preferably her) can let everyone know London is no longer a option and local will be organised instead. Congrats!

She should get the hell out of your business, it's your hen do , not hers.

I am absolutely going to say to her this is not happening and I won't be going to it.
Just so angry about this whole thing and hen do isn't supposed to be stressful.
THE PLOT THICKENS: we work at the same company (very large about 500 staff) and my mum is quite high up. She has approached 2 of the girls on my team who I talk to (not close friends with but was going to invite to the night out part) and asked them to organise the whole Liverpool one!!
My BFF is being completely ignored in all of this. I just rang him and he said oh your mum didn't tell me that.
I am now going to have to address that too!! 🙄🙄 this is all really unfair on the people involved because it makes it look like they've come running to me but they're my ACTUAL friends and have come to me to see if I'll be happy about it.

You could ask BFF to post a response on the WhatsApp group along the lines of

"Hafa is so pleased you're all off on a fab trip to London to celebrate her imminent nuptuals - she hopes you all have a great time and take lots of pics to share with her! We'll be in touch early in the new year with details of the hen night, for those who'd like to come and celebrate with her!"

You really do need to lay theckaw down with your mum, she's overstepping the mark massively.

If your mum doesn't yet know that you know, I'd feign ignorance. Set up your own group with everyone you wish to invite (possibly not your mother) and say that your BFF will be sorting out details in due course. Deny all knowledge of your mother's plans. If she's taking things too far though, then I would confront her, threaten to not invite her to her own daughter's hen do and even suggest uninviting her from your wedding. Then she may change her tune.

@WellErr I'd have just pointed out that I'd made my wishes clear about that sort of thing and walked away.

@WellErrr I'd have just pointed out that I'd made my wishes clear about that sort of thing and walked away.

This is all mad and needs to be stopped now, never mind not hurting her feelings. What gives her the right to ignore your BF who you asked to organise it and do what she likes? Crazy.

When has it been a thing for mothers to attend hen parties anyway?

I thought it must be just me because I'm a bit over the hill. I've never heard of such a thing. I didn't go to my daughters' hens and wouldn't have wanted to. Odd.

You need to nip this in the bud NOW, as like a pp has said people will start to be paying money for things. Get your BF to add you to the WhatsApp group and put on a clear message that this is not your hen do, and you will not be attending.

My mum did this with my baby shower!!! I hijacked the WhatsApp group and told everyone there had been a mis communication and this wasn't happening! Then give them the details of the real one! Do what you want! And don't allow her to make you feel rubbish...she probably in some way thinks she's helping