To not want my daughter to have a bottle!

[renniks]

Long story short my DD is nearly 5 years old. She was a nite mare when younger for a bottle I managed to fully get her off them at home just after she turned 3. However when she goes to MIL and SIL for sleepover they still give her a bottle!

I've told them numerous times she doesn't need a baby bottle at this age but it falls on deaf ears.

AIBU to not want my almost 5 year old to be drinking out of a baby's bottle

Sorry but I would say no more sleepovers until they respect your wishes. She’s your daughter and if you don’t want her to have a bottle anymore (and at five that’s perfectly reasonable) they should go along with that.

No more sleepovers. The 'don't tell' is appalling!

Absolutely no sleepovers until they can respect your parenting. It's hugely undermining you

Tea? As in black tea? That's a suitable bedtime drink for a 5 year old?

Why do they insist on bottles anyway? She does not need them, you've spent a long time weaning her off, and they are undoing all your work. And damaging her teeth.

Isn't tea in a bottle terrible for children's teeth? And she's giving this in bed so assuming there is no teeth brushing either?
If you feel she is deliberately undermining you (and the "don't tell mummy" comments are very indicative of that, let alone worrying in itself) then I would stop the sleepovers and insist any drinks are given in an appropriate cup. If they are not, keep a cup in your bag and pour it form the bottle in. No compromising.

YANBU but my Dad did this with me and my dummy. My parents were separated, Mum worked hard to wean me away from the dummy but as soon as I went to my Dad’s at the weekend he would give me one. She must have been utterly seething, he’d send me home with a few in my bag and tell me to keep them secret. Of course my Mum always found them. I only appreciate how shitty this was of him now I’m a parent myself.

It didn’t harm my teeth FWIW and I naturally stopped wanting one when I was about six.

Bottle: not life threatening.

Telling your child 'Don't tell mummy' - yes, potentially in a worst case scenario life threatening, once your child has been taught be someone they trust that it's ok if an adult tells you 'Don't tell mummy.'

I'd go BALLISTIC at this and would stop sleepovers, full stop.

You need to tackle them.

My two year old niece now gets given a cup or even a glass tumbler when plastic isn’t available and is perfectly fine drinking without a straw, lid or other aid.

Yanbu. Tell them to pack it in and throw away the bottles. Not only does she not need it, her teeth won’t thank her to sucking on a bottle.

I don’t understand why some people like to infantilise capable children. I don’t see why on Earth they would want to give a 5yo a bottle in the first place (let alone one with tea in it). I an genuinely baffled as to why she’d want to.

That's madness. My three year old wouldn't have a baby bottle, and actually only has a closed lid cup when we're out and about in her bag to prevent spills in other peoples houses. She drinks from a normal open plastic cup when we're at home!

I wouldn't be happy about it and would say it's not to happen again! A five year old with a bottle, really! Also no secrets from mummy, ever. This isn't sinister, just annoying but I would be highly uncomfortable with anyone teaching my child it's ok to actively hide anything from me.

Thanks everybody for your advice very much appreciated and happy to know I'm not losing the plot and it is actually weird behaviour!

By the way, my exH started by telling the dc's "don't tell mummy" when he would give them candy or junk food when they were little. Ended with giving drugs to one of them at age 10 who by that point had been conditioned to "not tell mummy" and that child is now a teenage drug addict asking why I didn't protect him from Daddy.

Getting a bottle at grandma's/auntie's house isn't a big deal unless she is away from you 3 or 4 nights a week. I would let that slide. She functions five without the bottle at home and enjoys being babied on occasional visits. She will grow out if it eventually.

But telling your DD to keep a secret from mummy is a massive red line. From a safeguarding point of view, children need to know that it is never OK for any adult to tell a child to keep something they do a secret from their parents. Training your DD to be sly about this relatively innocent issue will actually endanger her, as it makes her an easier target for grooming. That would make me stop the sleepovers and stop them having unsupervised contact - not through any suspicion of them but because their attitude to honesty stinks and that is a very bad influence on your dd.

No child should be going to bed with a bottle ever!! It’s terrible for tooth decay and in younger ones it’s bad for their ears. What are they thinking??!!

God YADNBU, I wouldn’t be sending her to any more sleepovers

How often does she spend a night there?

Does it really matter? She may well miss you and it is a bit like a comfort blanket.

It doesn't matter if a parent has clearly said not to do something, the caregiver does it anyway and tells the child to keep a secret?