Not being invited to my grandads funeral

[KAdd29]

Apologies in advance for the long post but I need to give a bit of back story...

I’m 31 years old and my dad died when I was 7. My grandad never really bothered to be in contact with me from what I can remember, before my dad died and after. I used to call him maybe once a year maybe even longer. My grandad and I both practically lived at opposite ends of the country so really far away to visit. The last time I saw him was 5 years ago at my aunts funeral.

So the thing I want to know if - AIBU to be angry that no one has invited me to his funeral or asked if I’m ok?? I know we weren’t exactly really close but the fact that he was my dad’s dad really matters to me and has brought up a lot of emotion. Has also got me thinking about my dad a lot as well. I keep thinking if my dad was alive would he have wanted me to go to the funeral. My Nan has not even asked me if I’m going or if I’m ok (my grandad and Nan divorced many years ago) or my aunt (she’s coming over from America where she lives to go to the funeral) I’m trying not to be angry with them but I am a bit. Would like everyone’s honest opinion on how they would deal with it? Would you just go to the funeral and not mention your feelings of frustration and anger? Obviously I wouldn’t say or do anything at the funeral or start anything at this time.

You get invited to weddings not funerals. Just go.

I think your nan assumed you wouldn’t be affected at all or want to go since she’s not even going to the funeral herself, and I assume she knows you haven’t seen him since the last family funeral. I would agree with previous posters that this probably has a lot more to do with your father than your grandad - as you say, it’s even about you thinking your father would have wanted you to go. I think it may be more beneficial to not go to the funeral and instead, start looking into counseling to deal with the loss of your father. This funeral will not help with that. It might even make it worse, to see the family your granddad had that you weren’t a part of (he doesn’t sound too nice, sorry; being dead doesn’t automatically make you less of an arsehole).

It sounds like you’re still not over it, which makes sense because you lost your father at such a vulnerable age, and then you’ve had to navigate a lot of milestone ages without a father (the preteen years, teenagehood, becoming a young adult, the first adult years, quarter-life 25, turning 30). You shouldn’t have to go on carrying these unresolved feelings, and you don’t have to. You say you’re a very emotional person and a talker, but in my experience, even people who think they talk about their feelings a lot don’t realize that they’re not covering some of their deepest “stuff” that they’ve shoved into a locked closet inside them. And then it bursts out at times like these. A counselor can (very delicately!!!) lead you through those things and let them out for fresh air.

Go to the funeral. There are usually little cards left on the seats, where you can add the name of someone you are representing.
Put your dads name down.
You are going both for you and him, and it will be a way of remembering him too
Lots of people go to funerals. No one is going to question your right to be there

Unless specifically asked not to go, I would consider that anyone is welcome at the funeral. It is the wake which I would expect an invitation to but at most funerals all who attend the service are welcome to attend the wake.

"So the thing I want to know if - AIBU to be angry that no one has invited me to his funeral or asked if I’m ok?? I know we weren’t exactly really close"
Yes, YABU to be angry. You haven't seen him in 5 years and have only phoned him, at most, once a year. You've hardly had a relationship in the last 24 years since your dad died or even prior. I don't think most people would ask how you are. They wouldn't expect you to feel much, if anything, for someone you've essentially had no relationship with.

"My Nan has not even asked me if I’m going or if I’m ok (my grandad and Nan divorced many years ago) or my aunt (she’s coming over from America where she lives to go to the funeral) I’m trying not to be angry with them but I am a bit."
Honest answer? I can't believe you expect them to ask you if you're okay. Your aunt (his daughter?) is mourning the loss of her dad and you think they should be considering your feelings? How utterly self-centred of you. You strike me as being all 'me, me, me'.

If you go to the funeral you need to ensure you don't express any frustration or anger. I wouldn't express it in the future either. Do not make it all about you. It's about your GF, you know, the man you couldn't be arsed to phone more often or visit. Be angry at yourself, not the people who have cared for him.

You've hardly had a relationship in the last 24 years since your dad died or even prior. I don't think most people would ask how you are. They wouldn't expect you to feel much, if anything, for someone you've essentially had no relationship with.

^Really why would you bother going to the funeral? Your barely knew the man

No one gets an ‘invitation’ to a funeral. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My dad died in August. With the exception of my mum and my sister I didn’t ask anyone if they were ok. I had enough on my plate managing my own grief. If people who hadn’t seen him for 5 years wanted sympathy from me then they would have been looking in the wrong place...

If you saw him 5years ago then I dont think anyone is UR to not have told you to come, they might have assumed that you arent close and you might not even want to go given that you didnt visit in 5years?
I don't think you are invited to a funeral, you just go.

I think the specific words here are what have made some people think you're being over dramatic.

I confess I did at first but then reread and I think (not putting words in your mouth just what I think) rather than AIBU to be angry you meant more AIBU to be sad that I never had the opportunity to be close with a whole branch of my family, to the extent I feel totally distant from my grandads funeral.

In which case you aren't being unreasonable at all, but anger is misplaced and your the people your grandad was close with are doing nothing wrong because grief is selfish and rightly so.

Not saying your feelings aren't valid but I think even to yourself you might need to frame them as sad rather than angry - if you think how much headspace this has taken up for you, imagine how overwhelming and all consuming it must be for them.

I think you should go if it will bring you peace but please try not to have any expectations as to how you should be greeted or treated on the day, they will be so overwhelmed and it isn't fair to expect them to be able to consider your specific situation.

Hope this didn't come across as harsh, I'm sorry you feel sad

@TheMidasTouch

I don’t think you’ve read any of my follow up posts, or if you have, you don’t understand.

I am thinking of others, that’s why I already contacted my aunt to say that I’m thinking of her and hope she’s ok. I understand that when you’re are going through something like that you’re so wrapped up in grief to not even think about others. You’re making me out to be completely self centred but the last thing I’d do is confront any of them about how I’m feeling. Considering you don’t know the whole story about how me and my mum have been treated by my dads side since he died, I still feel like there’s a reason I feel like I do. Maybe that’s why....my Nan and my aunt are not the most warmest of people and never have been. I was 7 when my dad died but excuse me for thinking that when I was a child, my aunts, nan and grandad should have tried to have a relationship with me. What’s a 7 year old meant to do? So yes, me and my GF did not really have a relationship at all because there was no connection. Although when I became an adult I was the one to call and try to keep a family relationship. Still do with my Nan. I obviously do have some issues buried about my dad etc and this whole thing has brought it up for me. Am I not allowed to have these feelings of upset, even with the slight resentment towards my dads side of the family? Yes, they are going through a really hard time, harder than what I’m going through but it doesn’t mean I’m not going through a bad time with it all as well.

Also, I came on here to talk about how I was feeling, rather than going to them or my best friend who recently lost a close friend. I’m not ‘me me me’

I don’t think people are invited to funerals. You just go if the person or their loved ones matter to you. If you want to go, just go. Everyone connected to your granddad are dealing with their own feelings and emotions, so stop expecting everyone to ask how you are doing.

Just go and be civil, you never know some bridges may be built.

Didn't know you needed an invitation to go to a funeral. Been to a few and not invited to any of them. Weird. It's not a wedding.

KAdd29 I suggest you hide this thread now.
There are too many who won't read the thread and respond simply to your op.

I think you have opened up and acknowledged that your feelings are complicated.

Good luck with your decision and things going forward.

Go if you can/want to. Just accept that families are often really shitty to each other. It's just how it is.