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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not being invited to my grandads funeral

91 replies

KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 20:55

Apologies in advance for the long post but I need to give a bit of back story...

I’m 31 years old and my dad died when I was 7. My grandad never really bothered to be in contact with me from what I can remember, before my dad died and after. I used to call him maybe once a year maybe even longer. My grandad and I both practically lived at opposite ends of the country so really far away to visit. The last time I saw him was 5 years ago at my aunts funeral.

So the thing I want to know if - AIBU to be angry that no one has invited me to his funeral or asked if I’m ok?? I know we weren’t exactly really close but the fact that he was my dad’s dad really matters to me and has brought up a lot of emotion. Has also got me thinking about my dad a lot as well. I keep thinking if my dad was alive would he have wanted me to go to the funeral. My Nan has not even asked me if I’m going or if I’m ok (my grandad and Nan divorced many years ago) or my aunt (she’s coming over from America where she lives to go to the funeral) I’m trying not to be angry with them but I am a bit. Would like everyone’s honest opinion on how they would deal with it? Would you just go to the funeral and not mention your feelings of frustration and anger? Obviously I wouldn’t say or do anything at the funeral or start anything at this time.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 11/11/2019 21:19

You don't get invited. If you want to go, you ask the person who informed you of the death, or close relative 'can you let me know when the funeral is when it is arranged' and then you turn up.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/11/2019 21:19

No can invite or not invite some one to funeral. Since when do you need anyones permission or approval to enter into God’a home.Confused

Pardonwhat · 11/11/2019 21:20

I’ve never in my life been invited to a funeral.
You just go.

And without being rude - you say the family hasn’t asked if you’re ok... have you asked how they are? By you’re own omissions you aren’t close.
I think you’re upset and striking out a little unfairly Flowers

crustycrab · 11/11/2019 21:21

You don't get invited to funerals. You weren't close to him but presumably those organising it were. I'm sure they'd love to see you make the effort to go to the other end of the country for his funeral.

However harsh this might sound, it's not unreasonable of people, including your nan, to presume you won't be affected much by this. It doesn't sound like you really knew each other well. It's obviously stirred up emotions about your dad, you can tell your nan/aunt this and I'm sure they'd understand xx

crustycrab · 11/11/2019 21:22

Don't know where those random kisses came from but take them anyway! Sounds like a difficult time

MrsExpo · 11/11/2019 21:24

If you know the date, time and location of a funeral you just go. It’s not generally an “invitation” thing. Just go, be civil to everyone there and pay your respects.

LannisterLion1 · 11/11/2019 21:26

OP you didn't see him for 5 years and he never bothered with you, why would they think you'd care. Frankly, he's lucky you do if he was never a good grandfather.

Speak to your aunt, maybe go with her?

AdaColeman · 11/11/2019 21:26

There are no "invitations' to funerals, the information is usually published in a local newspaper or spread by word of mouth. They are public events, and anyone can attend.

If you think it would help you to come to terms with your family history, then go to the funeral. But be prepared for it to be distressing, family tensions can run high at these events, and since you have had little contact with them, the family dynamic may be uncomfortable for you.

Cockadoodledooo · 11/11/2019 21:29

I don't imagine anyone will kick you out if you turn up, even if you're not expected as you were (seemingly) not that close.
Sometimes other people are wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings, and aren't capable of taking on anyone else's. It's not necessarily unkind, not even thoughtless tbh, they just don't have the headspace. Having said that there's nothing to stop you sharing how you feel.
Have you any siblings?

Original poster
KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 21:29

@MummyofTw0

No, not insensitive. I get what you’re saying. It’s just an awkward thing because I don’t know his wife or any of his family from his wife’s side. The only contact I have if with my Nan (ex wife) and my aunt who lives in America. I have been told the date because my aunt is coming from America and my Nan asked if I want to come to her house with my son, so my aunt can meet him. Not other mention of the funeral. My Nan isn’t going. My aunt is hiring a car from the airport and driving up to the funeral on her own. I messaged my aunt when I found out he passed to say I was thinking of her and hope she’s ok. I’m trying to think of their feelings. They have never really thought of mine though

OP posts:
Itsallpetetong · 11/11/2019 21:30

Ahhh MummyofTw0 has said it nicely, I couldn’t find a way to put it.

LL83 · 11/11/2019 21:31

You have been told if death and funeral details that is as much of an invite as anyone gets. You are overthinking this, try to let it go. Sorry for your loss.

Apolloanddaphne · 11/11/2019 21:31

I agree with PP. If you want to go to the funeral you just need to turn up. No invites are issued for funerals.

melj1213 · 11/11/2019 21:32

You dont get invited to funerals, the information is made public and anyone can attend.

Tbh, in the nicest possible way, this is not about you. It is about your grandfather whom you admit you dont have a close relationship with.

Presumably the family who were close to him are busy with the arrangements and their own grief, have you reached out to ask how they are? If there is anything you can do? If not then why would you expect them to do the same for you, especially when you had such a distant relationship from your grandfather and presumably them too?

AnneTwacky · 11/11/2019 21:33

Please go to the funeral if you feel you want to.
I lost my awesome, wonderful dad a few weeks ago, and can tell you that, funeral invitations are rare for good reason.

When you're recently bereaved, and you feel so raw and fragile, there is also the massive tasks of organising the funeral, letting the authorities, employers, council, etc know that your loved one has passed on and if you're named executor, getting probate to organise the will. All this, while you're coming to terms with your loss.
There is no time to personally invite amyone to the funeral.
They would almost certainly be made up, if you went.

Itsallpetetong · 11/11/2019 21:33

I messaged my aunt when I found out he passed to say I was thinking of her and hope she’s ok

So message her and ask her for the funeral details. The fact you didn’t ask must make her think you aren’t that bothered so why would they ask if you are ok? Just ask for the time/details and tell her you will see her there.

Haffdonga · 11/11/2019 21:33

What PPs said:
They say: Your grandfather has died.
You say: Oh dear, I'm so sorry. When is the funeral?
They say: We're pleased you'd like to come. It's on XYZ. We'll send you the details.

AragonsGirl · 11/11/2019 21:33

My mum and one of her brothers weren’t invited to their sister-in-laws funeral. They’d known her for the best of 45 years, the whole situation was just odd. I’d never heard of being invited to a funeral before this happened

Original poster
KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 21:34

@Cockadoodledooo

You are right, sometimes it’s hard to deal with your own emotions, let alone someone else’s! I’m a big talker and emotional person, so I like to share everything but sometimes forget that not everyone is the same.

No siblings

OP posts:
Original poster
KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 21:35

@crustycrab

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Beveren · 11/11/2019 21:36

I'm guessing your grandmother is pretty elderly if you're 31? I really think you should cut her some slack about asking how you are feeling. Likewise your aunt is dealing with her father's death, so is likely to be much more affected than you are. To be honest, if you've never had a relationship with him it would be quite odd for them to assume you would be much affected by his death.

Raphael34 · 11/11/2019 21:37

Have you asked your other family members if they’re doing ok? It works both ways. You probably haven’t crossed their minds as you’re not close to him

Butterfly84 · 11/11/2019 21:43

OP, it is not imposing to turn up to your grandad's funeral. Just go and pay your respects to your grandad. His funeral is a time for you to reflect personally on your relationship with him and who he was as a person.

Original poster
KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 21:47

I have been trying to contact my aunt about the funeral details today but no answer as of yet.

I guess I have been ‘ummm and ahhing’ Over it because I wasn’t sure if I have a right to just turn up. I don’t want people thinking ‘oh well I don’t know why she’s here as they didn’t see or speak to each other hardly’

OP posts:
crustycrab · 11/11/2019 21:49

@KAdd29 you're welcome. You've had nice but sensible replies on here. It's quite normal for your nan and aunt to assume this won't affect you given your low level of contact.

You sound like you would like to go so speak up. Tell your aunt you would like to attend too and would like to travel there with her. She'll be glad of someone to drive/accompany her I'm sure. Especially in a country she's not used to driving in anymore.