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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not being invited to my grandads funeral

91 replies

KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 20:55

Apologies in advance for the long post but I need to give a bit of back story...

I’m 31 years old and my dad died when I was 7. My grandad never really bothered to be in contact with me from what I can remember, before my dad died and after. I used to call him maybe once a year maybe even longer. My grandad and I both practically lived at opposite ends of the country so really far away to visit. The last time I saw him was 5 years ago at my aunts funeral.

So the thing I want to know if - AIBU to be angry that no one has invited me to his funeral or asked if I’m ok?? I know we weren’t exactly really close but the fact that he was my dad’s dad really matters to me and has brought up a lot of emotion. Has also got me thinking about my dad a lot as well. I keep thinking if my dad was alive would he have wanted me to go to the funeral. My Nan has not even asked me if I’m going or if I’m ok (my grandad and Nan divorced many years ago) or my aunt (she’s coming over from America where she lives to go to the funeral) I’m trying not to be angry with them but I am a bit. Would like everyone’s honest opinion on how they would deal with it? Would you just go to the funeral and not mention your feelings of frustration and anger? Obviously I wouldn’t say or do anything at the funeral or start anything at this time.

OP posts:

littlehappyhippo · 11/11/2019 21:55

@KAdd29

No-one can stop you going to ANY funeral. It's a free country.

Sorry for your loss.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 11/11/2019 22:01

I expect you’re feeling a bit lost.

Families are strange at the best of times. Nothing like a death to take that strangeness up several notches.

Yes, message your aunt asking if you can go with her. Might be nice to spend quality time with her, and she might like to share old stories about him with you.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

Howlovely · 11/11/2019 22:01

With respect, it does seem like you're making this all about you. Why do you think people will be noticing you in particular and commenting on your presence at the funeral? As a granddaughter surely it will be assumed that you will go?
Also this comment:
I’m trying to think of their feelings. They have never really thought of mine though
You said you don't know the family. How would a bunch of strangers asking if you are alright make you feel better? They are grieving and organising his funeral and affairs. Why do you think it is up to them to appease you at this time?
Have you been to a funeral before, do you know what to expect? Just thinking you might want to ask a friend to go with you if you would feel unsure or anxious about going alone or not sure how you might feel once there.

BackforGood · 11/11/2019 22:02

Not really sure asking about attending a funeral is best posted in AIBU, but I will reiterate what others have said that no-one 'gets invited to' funerals.
The information about the arrangements is 'put out' into the public domain (used to be in the local paper but I guess social media and all the different ways of communicating electronically have negated that a bit, and anyone who feels they would like to go, goes.

Original poster

KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 22:05

Thank you for a lovely reply. I will let you know xx

OP posts:

nannybeach · 11/11/2019 22:10

No-one on here has been invited" to a funeral!! If I rceive a card or letter detailing time,date, place, I assume thats an invitation. Yes, also wondering if you have been to a funeral before, and know what to expect when you get there. Also agree probably people did not realise as you were not close that you would want to attend. Why would somone of 31 have a very elderly grandparent, in our case it would be 70, hardly very elderly

Branleuse · 11/11/2019 22:10

Noone gets invited to funerals. Thats not how its done. People are told date of funeral, or if they want to go, then they ask someone that knows when it is, and then YOU decide if you want to go.

I think you should go and pay your last respects. The fact that you lived far away and kind of lost contact a bit, doesnt mean you cant go and pay your respects at the funeral x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/11/2019 22:11

Sorry for your loss. You don't need an invitation. Just go.

Original poster

KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 22:12

@Howlovely

I’m not sure you’ve fully understood or I’ve not been very clear. Definitely not trying to make anything all about me. I’ve come on here because I don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to about this and I don’t want to go to my aunt and nan, who are the only two that i have some sort of link to my grandad. My grandad split from my Nan many years ago (i think before I was born) my mum took me to visit my grandad once when I was a kid and as an adult I called my grandad to try to be in contact. I don’t remember it being the other way around. I guess I have some issues regarding my dads side of the family since he died. I have been to a funeral, in fact many! However, I was feeling a bit unsure of what to do in these circumstances. Especially as I don’t know my grandad’s wife or any other family he might have had with his wife. I have a lot of feeling and emotions about what my dad might have wanted or felt like at this time and I guess I want to be there for him as well as he is now around

OP posts:

GertiMJN · 11/11/2019 22:18

KAdd29 I can completely understand why this has stirred up powerful emotions for you, related to your dad who you lost a long time ago.

Of course you can go to his funeral, but can I just ask if you are sure this is going to be beneficial to you? I'm worried that you are grieving for something you never had, rather than grieving for your Grandfather.

I'm worried that you may feel even more isolated, because there is obviously a whole other family that you don't know and don't feel part of. It could be an opportunity to get to know this branch of the family, but as your Grandfather didn't make an effort during his life, I'm concerned for you. The service may be difficult because there won't be memories or links for you, you will be hearing about a life he didn't make an effort to include you in.

Do you have someone you can talk this through with and can go with you if you decide to go?

MidniteScribbler · 11/11/2019 22:18

You really are making this all about you. Your nan is an exwife of this man, she doesn't need to care, and you barely talked to him or could be bothered with him, but you want everyone to ask you how you are feeling.

Gingerkittykat · 11/11/2019 22:19

I do understand how deaths can bring up a lot of difficult emotion, even when it is not somebody you are close to.

I went to a relatives's funeral on my dad's behalf because I knew she meant a lot to him. The immediate family welcomed me.

Go to the funeral if you feel it will honour your dad's memory.

EnFinale · 11/11/2019 22:20

Anyone can go to any funeral.

Go.

Original poster

KAdd29 · 11/11/2019 22:42

@GertiMJN

Thank you for your lovely reply. I feel like you really understood what I have been saying and hit the nail on the head.

I don’t have anyone to go with but if I do go, I think it will be a good chance to have time to reflect on the way. I don’t feel like I’ve had much time to really think lately. I have a 7 month old and no friends or family near to help look after him, other than my husband but he’s working all day. Being busy has kept me from thinking about things too much but every now and again it will cross my mind and I get tearful xx

OP posts:

PomPomtheGreat · 11/11/2019 22:51

I totally agree with Gerti. You are grieving for what you didn't have, rather than what you did have. It's a very valid form of grief, but she's right that the funeral might not be the right place to do this grieving if it makes you feel even more isolated and excluded from the rest of your family.

OTOH, if you feel it would help, then just turn up. Anyone who thinks badly of you for it is not a nice person, and anyway they are hardly likely to say anything, so what do you care? You're not exactly turning up out of the blue dragging his love child triplets in your wake and demanding justice for their mother and a cut of the will.

Perhaps one to one counselling would be more helpful to you if you have unresolved issues about the early loss of your father, which is a very difficult thing for any child, and you have my sympathies for that. Your own child's birth will have thrown this into stark relief very recently.

Do whatever you feel will be best for you, not for anyone else. I hope the day, if you decide to go, brings some sort of closure for you.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 12/11/2019 01:25

Do you think he knew he had a great grandchild?

That is quite a significant thing that might be heightening your emotions.

Would you be taking your baby with you?

I think it would be interesting for you to meet his other family.

But it also might be difficult. Argh.

LendAnEar · 12/11/2019 01:48

I'm sorry that this will sound harsh but you are being overly dramatic IMO.

Why would you want to travel to the opposite side of the country for a funeral of a man you have met twice in your life? Not much of a Grandad when he made no effort to be in your life? You literally have no connection to him or his family. Why the tears?

Focus on the family you do have, the family that have been there for you and supported you. Stop tying yourself in knots over someone you didn't know.

Interestedwoman · 12/11/2019 02:24

I can completely understand you being sad and a little angry.

Yes people don't get 'invited' to a funeral as such, but they effectively are by being told the date and time by someone who will be attending. They could also have asked you if you wanted to go.

If I were you I'd message your aunt on FB or in some other way if you haven't already, say you're sorry to hear he's passed away and ask if it's ok for you to go to the funeral I don't see any reason why someone would say no in these circumstances- you're his granddaughter. That you didn't see him often makes no difference- a lot of people probably go to funerals who don't happen to have seen the person for a long time. It's a leave-taking and you have just as much rights to pay your respects as any other family member, if you want to. A grandparent isn't a distant relative. It's not like you don't get on with his new(er) family, you just haven't met them yet.

So sorry for your loss of your grandad, and that you lost your dad at such a young age. Hugs xxxxx

WillLokireturn · 12/11/2019 04:51

You can go to the funeral, just not necessarily the wake, If it's a private affair at someone's house. Wakes have to be catered for and even pub held ones have some kind of limit on numbers. However as grandchild in touch once a year, you'd hope they'd welcome you. A wake isn't the time to test that out, if you think there might be antagonism, even if unfairly applied to you . Find that out first from your aunt as you might be tarred by his second family, with their feelings towards either of your parents or your grandma. Or It might be an oversight as they have enough to organise and didn't even think you'd want to attend.

It does sound like you have unresolved feelings or transference around missing your late Dad, in losing your paternal grandfather too now. So ask yourself would attending his funeral exacerbate how isolated you feel if they don't talk to you or make you feel better in saying your private goodbye?

NachoFries · 12/11/2019 05:15

@KAdd29 Sorry for your loss It’s a sad that your grandfather didn’t make much of an effort with you before or after your dad died. If you’d like to pay your respects then you should go but don’t feel like you have to go for the sake of your dad if you really don’t want to. If your aunt is coming from America and is driving there on her own, maybe you could ask if you can join her? She might appreciate the company and she might not have thought to ask because she might be too grief stricken to think and may also have her own unresolved issues if your grandfather had remarried and had another family.

FreshStart01 · 12/11/2019 11:21

My uncle died and had made it very clear that he did not want any pomp and ceremony, so it was strictly graveside only for very close family (not grandchildren but they were all at school age). A civil celebrant said a few words about him at the graveside and that was it. My DM - his DS - wasn't even sure if she was going to be 'allowed' to go but she did in the end, and I went with her for support. It wasn't meant to be cruel to other more distant relatives, it was his dying wish, but I know some were upset not to be able to pay their last respects. This is not the norm though and I would usually assume that you do not need an invite and they'll be expecting you to be there.

Kazzyhoward · 12/11/2019 11:28

You don't get "invited" to funerals. You clearly know he's died and know where/when the funeral is, so if you want to go, you go.

mrssoap · 12/11/2019 11:37

You don't get invited to a funeral, anyone can go. You go.

LinnetBird · 12/11/2019 11:42

Unfortunately I've been to many funerals and can only see more as I get older, that's life.
I've never been invited or know anyone who has ever been invited to a funeral, it just doesn't happen and isn't a thing.

go to the funeral, if you feel uneasy afterwards skip the wake.

hazell42 · 12/11/2019 12:45

You are projecting your feelings of being an outsider onto them
Unless you have specifically been asked not to attend, you are invited, as is everyone else who ever met him
His death may have stirred up some feelings for you about your father, but your granddad's next of kin doesn't know that, and, without trying to be cruel here, they are likely to be a lot more affected by his death than you are.
Try to accept that grief takes us in different ways. It might make them a little less sensitive and it might make you a little more sensitive than normal.
Grief is something you just have to get through. Don't make it harder for yourself, and your family, by taking offence where none was meant

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