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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH on PS4 while watching toddler. AIBU?

59 replies

Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:25

Give it to me straight because he insists I am...

DH was off work yesterday after working several back to back 12 hour shifts. We have a 15 month old DD which he’d barely seen for days because of this.

I had to go upstairs to do some revision for college so asked DH to watch her. I was up there for just over an hour. At first I could hear them laughing and playing but then it went quiet. When I came downstairs DH was on his PS4 (not actually playing a game but uploading some football thing onto it) and not really taking much notice of DD.

I felt quite upset given he has barely seen DD for days. I said he should really be paying attention to her, not his PS4 which he can play to his hearts content when she’s in bed! He got annoyed with me, saying that unlike me he can do more than one thing at a timeConfused and that there was nothing wrong with him being on it.

So was I unreasonable or not? Perhaps I was being but it just broke my heart a bit that he couldn’t even give her his full attention for an hour. I don’t want her growing up thinking a games console is more important.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 11/11/2019 20:28

I think Its a bit shit

Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:30

thank you @Vulpine He’s really good at making me feel I’m overreactingSad

OP posts:
Cheesestrings123 · 11/11/2019 20:30

Yanbu. Welcome to the modern man, where childcare is a chore. It's mostly the dad's at soft plays and parks that have their heads buried in phones

StreetwiseHercules · 11/11/2019 20:30

I think you are being very controlling. I doubt you would require his permission or approval to go on mumsnet for a bit while your child played around you.

Imustbemad00 · 11/11/2019 20:30

I came on to say he’s fine to play a bit of PlayStation during the day, assuming he’d had her all day. But given the context, I’d feel the same as you.

ashtrayheart · 11/11/2019 20:33

I don't know really. I would bet there's many on here who mumsnet at the same time as entertaining a young child. Also what's he like the rest of the time?

Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:35

No I wouldn’t @StreetwiseHercules but I’m a SAHM who is with her almost 24/7. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to give her his undivided attention when he has her one on one. it doesn’t happen very often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:37

@ashtrayheart Oh I’m sure many of us do and I’m not saying I don’t. I think it was more because he doesn’t see her that much that I was upset.

OP posts:
churchandstate · 11/11/2019 20:37

If your DD was content and safe and in the same room as your DH, I see no problem with that.

Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:38

The rest of the time he’s fine with her, but as a SAHM I definitely do the majority of the childcare (which is fair enough)

OP posts:
CalamityJune · 11/11/2019 20:38

I'm not sure. If you say he wasn't playing on it but maybe just setting off a software update or something then that doesn't require any attention once it's commenced.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 11/11/2019 20:40

Was he neglecting her, as in, was your child doing something dangerous as your husband played away?
Otherwise, YABU. He does not have to supervise her every second. He wanted to relax. If he is doing that all the time and the weekens, yeah, that's a bit crap, but one off it's not that big of a deal, cut the man some slack.

Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:41

@CalamityJune it wasn’t a game but he was putting lists of footballers onto it from the laptop or something. I have no knowledge of such things. It was quite involved whatever it was.

OP posts:
Celebelly · 11/11/2019 20:42

It sounds like he was just installing a game so it's ready to play later? I don't know, as a one off it wouldn't really bother me. It can be pretty draining constantly playing with a young child so we often have some time playing together, then I do something I need to do for a bit while she plays alone happily, then we will do something together for a bit, etc. If they'd been playing before then maybe they'd just reached a natural break point where they both do their own thing for a bit.

PermanentTemporary · 11/11/2019 20:43

I think its crap. Sorry. I mean, we're all crap parents at times. I wouldnt tell another adult off though. Get used to being disappointed. He might get better when she's older, dh did.

Lazypuppy · 11/11/2019 20:48

YABU, he had played with her, then gone on the ps, I don't see the issue

Usernamqwerty · 11/11/2019 20:48

My DH sometimes plays his PS4 while he's watching the kids. I don't have a problem with it - it's not all the time and he has the right to relax too as he works long hours during the week. I sometimes try and watch my own thing on TV (while my son demands Peppa Pig - arrrggghhh 😩)

StreetwiseHercules · 11/11/2019 20:51

That kind of judgment and criticism is not something you would accept in return from your DH, is it OP?

He is an adult, in the company of his child, exercising judgement. as I’m sure you have done a million times.

There is something off about this kind of monitoring and imposing expectations on other adults that I think is really off. Will you be marking him down in his annual parenthood appraisal? Does he get to mark your work also?

Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:52

I think I perhaps have some issues regarding our different parenting styles. We are starting counselling through Relate next week which I’m really hoping will help. I’m a ball of anxiety since we had DD!

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 11/11/2019 20:54

What was DD doing while he was on the console, OP?

Was she trying to get his attention, or playing independently?

Original poster
Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:56

She was just playing with her toys. She always does when he’s watching her. It’s me she clings to like a limpet!

OP posts:
Mrscog · 11/11/2019 20:59

I think it’s ok - 15 months is a very boring age to engage for a whole hour. Plus children need to learn to entertain themselves. I really regret letting DS have so much entertainment from me at that age - he’s nearly 8 and still can’t entertain himself without me. I found when mine were that age I enjoyed short bursts of engagement much more.

jomaIone · 11/11/2019 21:01

I don't think you can play with a toddler the entire time you're with them. There are always other things to do in my house and even if my jobs are done and she's playing happily I will often go on my phone until she needs my input.

If she's crying and he's still playing on the PS4 that's when your problems start.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/11/2019 21:02

Are you resentful that because you spend so much time with her, that you think he should concentrate solely on her when he's in charge? You say you are with her nearly 24/7 but really, that's not true.

Hugtheduggee · 11/11/2019 21:11

I'm assuming:

  • you never go on mn or on your phone when with your daughter
  • you don't cook or clean or tidy when she's awake
  • you don't ever leave her to play.

And I know you think it's different because he doesn't spend much time with her, and to an extent you're right, but he also needs some down time and work doesn't count. If your daughter was happy and not in danger then some time spent in independent play is a really good thing.