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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH on PS4 while watching toddler. AIBU?

59 replies

Sawdustandrainbows · 11/11/2019 20:25

Give it to me straight because he insists I am...

DH was off work yesterday after working several back to back 12 hour shifts. We have a 15 month old DD which he’d barely seen for days because of this.

I had to go upstairs to do some revision for college so asked DH to watch her. I was up there for just over an hour. At first I could hear them laughing and playing but then it went quiet. When I came downstairs DH was on his PS4 (not actually playing a game but uploading some football thing onto it) and not really taking much notice of DD.

I felt quite upset given he has barely seen DD for days. I said he should really be paying attention to her, not his PS4 which he can play to his hearts content when she’s in bed! He got annoyed with me, saying that unlike me he can do more than one thing at a timeConfused and that there was nothing wrong with him being on it.

So was I unreasonable or not? Perhaps I was being but it just broke my heart a bit that he couldn’t even give her his full attention for an hour. I don’t want her growing up thinking a games console is more important.

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 11/11/2019 21:15

Yabu. In all fairness as much as we love them, kids, especially babies and toddlers are boring. I think you're being a bit precious

Anotherlongdrive · 11/11/2019 21:19

If you are with her 24/7 and always give her your undivided attention and do college, how does that all work?

Of course you do most of the childcare. That's why you are a sahm. As long as he does some when he is at home and that time is more even, that's how it should be.

I think you might be feeling resentful because she didnt cling to him like a limpet. Does she not really let you get on with anything? Maybe you need to spend more time getting her to play independently? That's not a bad thing for kids to learn.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 11/11/2019 21:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ladybee28 · 11/11/2019 21:36

She was just playing with her toys. She always does when he’s watching her. It’s me she clings to like a limpet!

I wonder if there's something in that?

Sounds like she's mirroring attachment styles...

melj1213 · 11/11/2019 21:41

YABU - your husband doesnt need to be 100% engaged with your daughter 100%of the time.

When I babysit for young kids (and I have a lot of friends/siblings/cousins who have young kids) I will spend some time playing with them but if they're engaged in some activity that doesnt need my attention then I will let them play and watch TV or check my social media. There is only so long I can build the same tower of blocks or put the same five animals in the holes of the wooden animal puzzle before I need a break.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/11/2019 21:50

He played with her for a bit then did something else whilst she was happily playing with her toys. He was in the room with her, presumably if she had wanted him to do something he would have.

ladybee28 · 11/11/2019 21:56

There is only so long I can build the same tower of blocks or put the same five animals in the holes of the wooden animal puzzle before I need a break

And sometimes the kids need a break too, right?

OP, I think it sounds great that the two of you are getting some outside help to address your different parenting styles. Sounds like it'll be positive for everyone, including your DD.

it just broke my heart a bit that he couldn’t even give her his full attention for an hour. I don’t want her growing up thinking a games console is more important

Is there a chance there's something in YOUR history that's making this feel so important to you?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/11/2019 22:01

I get what you're saying OP but sounds like tbry played together, then she played with her toys and rather than sitting looking at her, he did some other stuff. Perhaps he doesn't think she needs him interrupting her play, or isn't sure how.

CalamityJune · 11/11/2019 22:12

I'm inclined to agree with pp. in my own experience my 2yo DS is much more likely to become absorbed in something when left to play independently. I watch him being indulged and interrupted by my parents sometimes and just never settles and becomes quite hyperactive, silly and loses all resilience when trying to work something out.

user1471582494 · 11/11/2019 23:17

I think your expectations are unrealistic if you expect them to be engaged together in active play for a whole hour uninterrupted. She's 15 months, her attention span is not that long.

Would you like it if he told you that your were parenting wrong and he needed to do it your way? Does he give you a parenting appraisal?

Sounds like he works bloody long hours and needs some down time too. They were both happy and gave you the time you needed so back off and let him parent. Just because you gave birth doesn't mean your way is better or the only way to parent.

busybarbara · 11/11/2019 23:28

YABU. It doesn’t sound like he was even playing a game, engrossed chatting to people on a headset or something. Sounds no different to someone flicking through a magazine or watching TV. Children do not need non stop attention for hours, nor is it even good for them IMO

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/11/2019 00:28

I also think your expectations are unrealistic. Children don't need your undivided attention all the time. It's good for your daughter to play on her own sometimes.

He was in the room with her, he wasn't actually playing just uploading something and I'm sure if she wanted his attention she would have made it known.

ChilledBee · 12/11/2019 07:19

Thing is, you don't turn your partner into the type of guy who would choose to forego the PS4 stuff to spend time with his daughter. He either is that guy, or he isn't. And if he isn't that guy, there are still plenty of worse guys he could be.

busybarbara · 12/11/2019 09:16

I'm sure if she wanted his attention she would have made it known.

Yes, this is really where a good vs not so good parent makes themselves seen. It's not about giving the child non stop attention but about really engaging with them when they come to you rather than ignoring or fobbing them off.

pinkyredrose · 12/11/2019 09:18

Failing to see the problem.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 12/11/2019 09:22

Yep, that's a bit shit.

Can't believe the people defending him. Fuck me the bar is low for fathers.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/11/2019 09:34

Can't believe the people defending him. Fuck me the bar is low for fathers
No I jsit don't expect DH to sit staring at DS for 30 minutes whilst DS contentedly plays by himself.
If she's walked in to a nappy full of poo, kid screaming and Dad ignoring, fair enough. As it was they were engaging in parallel play with no sign of her wanting his attention at that point in time.

Do you honest never let your child play alone or sit there hawk eyes staring at them intensely for the whole time?

Princessfaffalot · 12/11/2019 09:44

I think you’re massively over reacting to be honest. After days of back to back 12 hour shifts I’d want some down time too. You know yourself how stressful looking after a child is, after looking after her for 12 hours a day do you not need a break? Do you never use your phone to browse the internet while she’s in your care? He wasn’t even playing a game, he was uploading one. Huge over reaction on your part.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/11/2019 09:55

Can't believe the people defending him. Fuck me the bar is low for fathers

He was doing exactly what parents are supposed to do. Playing when child wanted to and getting on with something else whilst supervising child playing contentedly by themselves. He was not ignoring or neglecting the child. I would expect a mother or father to do the same.

NearlyGranny · 12/11/2019 09:58

That is a really low bar. Which one is the child?!

Grimbles · 12/11/2019 10:01

My 9mo DD is in her bouncy chair watching Mr Tumble and I'm sitting on the sofa replying to this thread.

Shes happy, I'm having some me time, what's the issue?

fishonabicycle · 12/11/2019 10:05

Probably because 15 month olds are pretty boring?

EntropyRising · 12/11/2019 10:44

Really depends. Some parents are OK/capable but not as attentive as others. Did you have a general discussion about where you'd ideally set the bar before you had her? Where is your bar?

I think it's a bit shit, but it's hard to judge.

Anotherlongdrive · 12/11/2019 10:48

He doesnt need to be defended.

No one person has ever given their undivided attention to their child, the entire time they are with them. Wether it's to MN, talk to a friend on the phone, having friends round the house etc.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 12/11/2019 10:52

You are being unreasonable. Your daughter was fine. She was playing. She was safe. It does children no good to be 100% the focus of attention. He has a different parenting approach to you. Your's isn't the only way. And your's isn't the only "right" way.

He's her dad. They will develop their own relationship and understanding with each other. Stop trying to control everything.

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