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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and Ex - WWYD?

53 replies

Chocolatelover106 · 11/11/2019 15:01

Hello,

I have a real dilemma here, hoping for some good advice from the wise Mumsnetters!

So, my DH and I have been married for 15 years. Prior to this he was married before, had 2 children, but his wife cheated and they split up. This was all before I met him.

They divorced, and since then he has pretty much steadfastly disliked the Ex intensely, and has had no contact at all since the children became adults (with the Ex, not the children!).

So, we met and married, all good. My issue is with DH's sister, my SIL. She goes to visit the Ex and stays with her sometimes. Part of me thinks this is because the Ex now lives abroad and it is a "free" holiday for SIL, who doesn't have much money and therefore many other holidays. I do not believe Ex and SIL were very close whilst DH and Ex were married, but they were on friendly terms.

However, I know this visiting hurts my DH, he believes it is disloyal of his sister, but wont say anything as he doesn't want to cause trouble. It annoys me as well as I see his hurt, and I suppose if I am totally honest I see it as SIL showing a preference for Ex over me! (selfish I know, just don't seem to be able to help it!).

So, once, when it came up in conversation I said to SIL something like "do you think it might be hurtful to DH for you to go and stay with Ex?" SIL just laughed and changed the subject. Unfortunately, she did not change her behaviour and still goes, and plasters it all over social media.

So, sorry for the length, but am I being unreasonable, should I just ignore it, or should I do something, and if so, what? Please help. WWYD?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 15:04

Yeah I think it's disloyal especially because of why they split up and they weren't particularly close beforehand. She's her own person and she can do what she wants but I wouldn't do it to one of my brothers

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/11/2019 15:05

YABVU. Leave well alone.

If it upsets your DH, he can speak for himself. Although it's been over 15 years, I think he could let it go by now.

mummmy2017 · 11/11/2019 15:10

She is an aunt.
Maybe that is she visits family

mbosnz · 11/11/2019 15:13

You should definitely ignore it. If it upsets DH so much, he can raise it with his sister.

Fairyliz · 11/11/2019 15:14

Well if you met your DH after they split up you only have his view of the relationship between SiL and ex. I sure most men don’t have much idea of what goes on with other people,so they might have been much closer than you think.

Frenchw1fe · 11/11/2019 15:14

Not your business. She can visit who she wants and if DH doesn't like it then it's up to him to say something.

steff13 · 11/11/2019 15:17

I think she's entitled to have her own relationship with the woman. I love my SIL. That wouldn't suddenly change if she and my brother split.

Reallynowdear · 11/11/2019 15:19

Just ignore it, SIL can visit whoever she chooses to.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 15:20

That wouldn't suddenly change if she and my brother split.

Even if she cheated on him? I like my SILs alot too but nowhere as much as I love my brothers

Dontdisturbmenow · 11/11/2019 15:23

She's entitled to like people your oh doesn't. There is no loyalty at stake here.

I don't understand why he is so hurt by it. It's nothing to do with him any longer.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 11/11/2019 15:44

Your DH has had ample opportunity to discuss this with his sister but has chosen not to as to avoid any confrontation. I would ignore this and leave well alone, family disagreements can often spiral out of control and if this happens you could be the one who is blamed.

SIL may well have had it out with the Ex and voiced her disappointment in the way the marriage ended but has decided to salvage a friendship out of it. I understand that your DH may feel hurt but the fact that he has never raised this even once as an issue and the fact that so many years have now passed I'm sure that SIL doesn't even think of the loyalty aspect anymore.

You say that you don't believe that SIL and you DH's ex are close but they have maintained this friendship for over 15 years since the split and the fact that the ex continues to host SIL would indicate that there is a good friendship in place.

SIL clearly does not wish to discuss this with you that is why she changed the subject. She doesn't have to "change her behaviour" as she has no idea there is an issue and to raise it a decade and a half later is rather pointless.

heartsonacake · 11/11/2019 15:52

YABU. This is none of your business, and you have absolutely no idea of the true extent of their relationship.

There’s no need asking WWYD because there is nothing for you to do. You don’t have a dilemma. It really is absolutely nothing to do with you.

Doesitevenmatternow · 11/11/2019 15:55

I have a similar situation OP. My dp's ex lives five miles away. His sister lives in another country. She is a meddler and a trouble maker. She is constantly causing trouble within their own family with parents and siblings. She starts fights with him and attempts to drag me into things.

In response we grey rocked her and refused to get pulled into any of the drama.

Her response is to suddenly develop a sisterly like closeness with his ex who is not happy to have recently been served divorce papers. So now the sister has been HERE numerous times secretly visiting his ex and stirring up loads of trouble telling his daughters we don't care about them, have room for them now we have a baby and loads of other poisonous tripe.

I am mad about my SIL but never in a million years would I cut my brother out or form an alliance against him. My advice is to absolutely ignore it. It is his battle to have with his sister. Do let him know though (I'm sure you have) that you are upset for him by the lack of loyalty.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 15:57

I do agree the OP shouldn't do anything, it isn't her place but I do think it's a disloyal way to treat her brother. I would think less of her because of it

Justmuddlingalong · 11/11/2019 15:58

If your DH has an issue with it, he's perfectly capable of saying something. He doesn't need you to fight his battles. Maybe you should work out if it's the hurt you feel it causes your DH or a sense of jealousy it causes you, that's the real issue.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2019 16:01

or a sense of jealousy it causes you, that's the real issue.

oh for gods sake, the jealousy card pulled out

Latersxx · 11/11/2019 16:01

My Sister in Law still sees my husbands ex ... she’s being a good auntie to the 3 children they have together. The children are adults now, but SIL is still in touch, it’s no threat to mine & my husbands relationship.

I have no problems with it ..better than people being at each other’s throats

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2019 16:02

You need to ignore it.

Firstly it's not a competition between you guys and the ex for sister in laws affections.
Secondly she can like other people other than you two.
Thirdly, he split up with the ex, this doesn't mean she needs to as well, there relationship was between them.

Your husband and you need to grow up here. And stop playing the school yard game of "she's my friend not yours".

Bibidy · 11/11/2019 16:06

It's annoying but nothing you can do sadly. It's a shame people do things like this rather than supporting their own family.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 11/11/2019 16:08

Doesitevenmatternow It sounds as if you are in the midst of a horrendous situation but I would not call it a similar situation to that of OP at all. Your DP has recently served divorce papers on his ex so this situation is very much "fresh" and evolving.

OP is talking about family dynamics occurring from a divorce that happened over 15 years ago. OP has also in no way indicated that her SIL is a meddler or troublemaker nor has she tried to badmouth OP's step children against her.

Brakebackcyclebot · 11/11/2019 16:09

My issue is with DH's sister, my SIL. She goes to visit the Ex and stays with her sometimes

I had to read the rest of your post to make sure I am not your SIL. I visit my ex-H's sister, we are good friends and have been for many years. I divorced her brother, I did not divorce her. My ex-H and his DW's discomfort or otherwise around this is their issue. Not mine. I am entitled to be friends with anyone I like.

Your SIL doesn't have to change her behaviour to suit your insecurity.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/11/2019 16:10

or a sense of jealousy it causes you, that's the real issue.

oh for gods sake, the jealousy card pulled out

and I suppose if I am totally honest I see it as SIL showing a preference for Ex over me! (selfish I know, just don't seem to be able to help it!).
⬆️ @AryaStarkWolf, in case you missed it in the OP's post.

Warmfirechocolate · 11/11/2019 16:11

I only think it’s unreasonable if her visits are used in some way to spread miscountent. My aunts keep up with my mum even though my Dad remarried, and thank goodness really as my Dad doesn’t facilitate their relationship with us, but my mum does.

GabriellaMontez · 11/11/2019 16:12

15 years on, remarried and you want to dictate relationships? Does your dh know you said this?

Apolloanddaphne · 11/11/2019 16:13

It happens - I am closer to my ex SIL than I am to my DB (although he was the one who had an affair and left her). I have been on many holidays with her, she often comes to me for Christmas and I went to her wedding when she recently remarried. She is like a sister to me.