Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

SIL and Ex - WWYD?

53 replies

Chocolatelover106 · 11/11/2019 15:01

Hello,

I have a real dilemma here, hoping for some good advice from the wise Mumsnetters!

So, my DH and I have been married for 15 years. Prior to this he was married before, had 2 children, but his wife cheated and they split up. This was all before I met him.

They divorced, and since then he has pretty much steadfastly disliked the Ex intensely, and has had no contact at all since the children became adults (with the Ex, not the children!).

So, we met and married, all good. My issue is with DH's sister, my SIL. She goes to visit the Ex and stays with her sometimes. Part of me thinks this is because the Ex now lives abroad and it is a "free" holiday for SIL, who doesn't have much money and therefore many other holidays. I do not believe Ex and SIL were very close whilst DH and Ex were married, but they were on friendly terms.

However, I know this visiting hurts my DH, he believes it is disloyal of his sister, but wont say anything as he doesn't want to cause trouble. It annoys me as well as I see his hurt, and I suppose if I am totally honest I see it as SIL showing a preference for Ex over me! (selfish I know, just don't seem to be able to help it!).

So, once, when it came up in conversation I said to SIL something like "do you think it might be hurtful to DH for you to go and stay with Ex?" SIL just laughed and changed the subject. Unfortunately, she did not change her behaviour and still goes, and plasters it all over social media.

So, sorry for the length, but am I being unreasonable, should I just ignore it, or should I do something, and if so, what? Please help. WWYD?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/11/2019 16:17

I'd just ignore it, she wants to be close to your husband' X and not him.

How does he cope now the children are adults? I hate my X but I am polite as we now are facing weddings, grandchildren etc.

Bibidy · 11/11/2019 16:19

Tbh I can see why you're annoyed.

Ex treated your OH poorly so it's a kick in the teeth that his sister has now become so close to her. I would be upset too.

MamaGee09 · 11/11/2019 16:33

I wouldn’t hope my sil would still be in mine and my child’s life if my dh and I ever split up, she’s their aunt and we all get on great.

I think you should leave her to it.

NKFell · 11/11/2019 16:36

Maybe you should work out if it's the hurt you feel it causes your DH or a sense of jealousy it causes you, that's the real issue.

This isn't saying it definitely is, it's asking to work out which. I agree, OP if it's your DH's hurt then unfortunately he will have to fight his own battles. If it is jealousy then consider if you're happy with your relationship with her, if you want to spend more time with her go for it.

saraclara · 11/11/2019 16:37

Anything you do will only make things worse. You need to keep out of it, whatever you think her motives might be.

And as for who she prefers out of the two of you, that's just immature of you to care, and DEFINITELY not a reason to get involved. Don't cause a huge family bust up out of this. Your DH's instinct is the correct one.

Bluerussian · 11/11/2019 16:44

You say your sister in law and partner's ex were not close when they were together but presumably that is your partner's interpretation of their relationship. I doubt the woman would be hosting your sister in law if they were not friendly, even if SIL wanted it - she'd be tactfully put off.
Plus you don't know what they do together out there, they could have a lot of fun and, as someone else said, the ex has grown up children to whom sis is an aunt - I expect she catches up with them.

I don't think it is wrong but might be tactful for sister in law NOT to plaster details all over social media. Does your husband look at that? If he doesn't it isn't going to hurt him but if he does, perhaps suggest that she doesn't divulge so much in public.

You've all moved on, marriages do break up, sometimes quite hurtfully but in time wounds heal. He married you after all and what happened between him and his ex wife is history. Just concentrate on the pair of you being happy.

I do understand how you feel but there isn't anything you can do about it so try to ignore.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/11/2019 16:45

Yes it is disloyal. Difficult when there are children involved though, to completely sever relations as a family. However going to stay etc is hurtful. Your DH has to be the one to say something, or his parents, if he still has them ?

BackforGood · 11/11/2019 16:46

YABVVVU

Stay out of it.

Even with friends, I've managed in some cases to remain friends with both parties.
Shock horror, I've remained friends with my dear friend of nearly 45 years standing, even though she was the one who had the affair, and, IMO, what she did was very wrong but she is still my friend.
Mostly, in divorces, you know nothing of what went on in the marriage. You, obviously, have only one version.

What relationship your SiL has with your dh's ex is really nothing to do with you - particularly as she isn't having her round to her house on all family occasions or anything that I can see would be awkward.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 11/11/2019 16:47

The affair is a red herring. You have no idea and can never know what their relationship was like, or what your DP was like before you know him. Your SIL probably doesn't see it as either being your friend or the ex's, there's no real reason for her to pick, is there? Just be kind to her and if you want to be her friend, make the effort.

Original poster

Chocolatelover106 · 11/11/2019 16:51

Hello all, thank you so much for the replies, it is clear I am being over-sensitive, and should just ignore it, and so I will now.

Totally accept I don't know how close they actually are, but I absolutely am not jealous of that, I don't have anything in common with SIL, and although she is pleasant enough, I wouldn't chose to spend time with her anyway.

I have felt hurt for my DH, but you are right, I need to butt out!

OP posts:

Antigon · 11/11/2019 16:55

YANBU to be hurt but yes not much you or DH can do (apart from maybe take a step back).

I would be careful how much I share with SIL as it’s likely it will get back to e).

Boysey45 · 11/11/2019 16:56

Yabu, she can be friends with who she wants basically. They could have a really good friendship for all you know.I'd just stay out of it.Theres nothing you can do anyway.

Sotiredofthislife · 11/11/2019 16:56

The relationship that ex and SIL have can be independent of the relationship between your DH and SIL. In effect, you are trying to dictate who another adult can be friends with. What if someone suggested that to you?

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 11/11/2019 16:57

I really do think that after fifteen years all parties should have moved on. Not friends necessarily but certainly not still nursing grudges. I'd be a bit concerned if my DH was still so invested in his ex that he was hurt by his sister maintaining a relationship with her. She is mother of his children and SIL niece/nephew and SIL can be friends with whoever she likes.

I bet she couldn't believe you brought it up to her. Embarrassing.

Woodlandwitch · 11/11/2019 16:58

I left my ex and would have been really annoyed if my sister or brother continued a relationship of any sort with my ex.

My SIL now sometimes tries to arrange meetings with my DH exgirlfriend not to much avail, but it just shows SIL’s true colours as she’s only doing it to wind me up due to jealousy issues on her part

EsmeeMerlin · 11/11/2019 16:58

I have a very good relationship with my brother’s ex as does my other sister and our mum. She comes to my children’s birthday parties with my niece and is actually the only reason we have such a good relationship with our niece, since my brother is awful at maintaining contact.

If you listen to our brother, we are disloyal and she treated him horribly blah blah. Here’s the thing though, she didn’t. If anything we witnessed him being awful before and after they split and he was arrested for hassling her, and is only allowed supervised contact with his daughter, my niece. While I am sure your husband is not the same, it does illustrate there are always two sides to every story and unless you were there, who are you to decide who your sil should be friends with?

Honestly leave it alone, your sil can be friends with her brother’s ex if she wants to.

Drum2018 · 11/11/2019 17:00

Unfollow sil on social media and tell Dh to do the same. You don't have to delete her fully. That way you don't have to see where she is, who she's in contact with or what she's up to. That's the only way you can control the way it affects you. You can't control who she visits or how that affects your Dh. If she brings the ex up in conversation then simply tell her you are not interested in hearing about her and suggest Dh does the same.

AJPTaylor · 11/11/2019 17:01

They are both adult women and can be friends with who they like. Get over yourself!

SunshineAngel · 11/11/2019 17:19

You can't just expect everyone else to stop speaking to her just because they've split up. This is something I'm living with now with my partner's ex - she still spends time with his family and I know for a fact (we've been told!) that they would prefer it if he was still with his ex.

Well there's very very good reasons he's not, and he's actually happy with me.. so..

LellyMcKelly · 11/11/2019 17:20

Wait, so they split up 18 or so years ago and you think SIL is being disloyal? I think you have too much time or your hands. It is none of yours, or your husband’s, business that two grown women are friends. What are you going to say? “You can’t be friends with her anymore?” This isn’t the school yard.

StroppyWoman · 11/11/2019 17:28

Yep, you are being unreasonable to resent a friendship between your SIL and her former SIL.

SonEtLumiere · 11/11/2019 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MattBerrysHair · 11/11/2019 17:41

Just leave it, people like who they like. My db and my exh became very close after the marriage ended and db was best man at exh's wedding last year. It was painful only because they tried to keep it a secret rather than being adults about it. I'm not the type to fly off the handle so I can only assume that the secrecy was due to them feeling guilty. Your sil isn't sneaking around so I don't see a problem.

Antigon · 11/11/2019 17:41

The ex cheated on him, how can he not feel betrayed by his sister by her friendship with her? The passage of time matters nought in these circumstances.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 11/11/2019 18:43

I’m close friends with my ex SIL 🤷‍♀️ You can’t expect it to be easy to just cut someone out of your life who has been so close for a long time. I don’t involve myself in other people’s relationships so why would I involve myself in their break-ups? I didn’t break up with SIL!

Flip

1 2 3