To ignore grabby relative?

[whitetigerhair]

I'm starting to get quite annoyed with a relative (DHs sibling) and I'm not sure if I'm being a bit mean or they are being a CF.

Every time I receive a message from said relative it's always a very insincere "how are you" followed with some sort of request to have or "borrow" never get back something, usually baby items/clothing that dc have grown out of. Never any back and forth conversation unless it's about the item/s they have requested. Every single time after the request has been granted and arranged, if I continue the friendly chat with another message they don't reply to me. Until a few weeks later when they want something again.

I mentioned to DH that I felt like a cow but it feels like they genuinely don't care and when I looked back at my messages they never send one without a requesting something for free in it!

DH is a little on the fence and said "it is rude yes, but I wouldn't make a fuss about it".

I'm sick of feeling used and am quite insulted by their behaviour so am firmly in the "fuck it" camp. I don't want to make a fuss but I don't want to reply anymore. If he chooses to entertain their cheeky requests then so be it.

AIBU?

Stop replying? It’d annoy me too.

Alternatively- reply with a detailed description of how you all are and completely ignore the request, and keep doing it. If the text comes back only with request, then just ignore it.

I don't really think you're being unreasonable. They sound like a CF for sure. But also agree with your DH that not cashing a fuss is best option to avoid any drama (speaking from experience/with hindsight!).
Can you just divert to DH maybe, a short message back, sorry not sure, can you check with DH etc. Or yes, not reply for a few weeks then send a 'so sorry been super busy, no we no longer have said item'

@lifecouldbeadream actually love that second option so much, please do that OP 🤣

Block the number.

Sorry, should have clarified. I have no intentions of causing a fuss or saying anything just don't want to continue providing them with endless freebies and would rather give to friends.

I was thinking of ignoring them as they do me and hope they stop asking!

YANBU. Stop giving them your stuff! I would definitely not reply to the request for stuff.

And don’t let DH give them your stuff unless you don’t mind either.

And stop the friendly chat, just be polite.

I would say you've been watching Mari Kondo and have been converted to living an uncluttered life. Everything outgrown has been got rid of, you feel freer as a person. Keep sending inspirational quotes about minimalism

If you have another baby, you will miraculously discover the exact same items in charity shops - talk about luck!!

Just stop replying.

If you're ever asked you can choose to be indirect (oh you sent me a message? I didn't see it / I never check that account / I don't remember seeing it) or, better, honest (no, that doesn't work for me - on repeat!!).

If it benefits a child, I'd personally go through the motions of pleasantries and just donate if you have it spare.

If you can, ignore her. She will soon get the message. She probably knows she’s being cheeky but is pushing her luck as you reply and adhere to her wishes.

Sorry but I gave that item to charity just the other day...
And repeat.

Suggest declining a few requests (a sorry I don’t have it any more is sufficient) to see if that makes them more polite. Another factor to consider is why they are asking you for freebies and not your DP - is he redirecting them to you by any chance? If so put a stop to that immediately.

Don't give them the things they ask for, either put them in your attic or tell them you don't have them any more, which is kinda true if they're out of sight

Your Husbands response would annoy me just as much as the Twat taking taking taking... I see where she gets it from.. it's a family thing..

Ignore every single 'How are you' Message ...

I'd just ignore the messages.

Ah, I get hi, how's you......... I now treat it like a game, never give in and lend anything and take my time in replying.

Start saying no.
We are in a similar position with my partners ex. She constantly "borrows" money for things that simply arent our job to finance. Weve given so many chances but the constant requests for money makes it hard to keep track and she never really pays anything back.

Shes on double our income, we have the kids half the time but pay maintenance at a level youd expect from 100% absent parent. We live in a one bedroom flat whilst she lives in a 4 bed detached property with cars and horses so weve just decided after this month we are dropping the explanations itllnbe a flat no. Any arguing or demands and we will lay out in plain English exactly why we refuse to be taken for mugs and constantly struggle because of funding HER not the kids.

The cheeky fucker in your post doesnt even deserve that shes got nothing that makes any of this your responsibility.

Give to friends and family who do care about you.

When they ask, 'so sorry... have just given away/sold/binned because it was soiled, etc.

No drama. No fuss.

Look, they feel free to ignore you, so you should do the same. I reckon they'll go direct to your husband afterwards, so if you no longer want those things I'd give them to a friend.

I would either not reply or tell them you’ve given the stuff to your friend. You need DH on side though

Is there anything you want back. I’d say yes but you can bring x, y, z with you when it gets picked up. Are they selling your old stuff and keeping the cash? Reuse stuff within the family is good use of resources but family to me is who loves and cares not some cheeky arse who couldn’t care less.

I'd reply with "what do you want to 'borrow' this time?" as soon as she messages. If she asks what you're taking about, point her to the previous messages and say exactly what you said above, you only contact me when you want something

Imustnottelllies if the DC are with you 50% of the time, why are you paying more maintenance than you need to? Especially with the disparity in living standards.

Just ignore as she ignores you, the rude mare! Simply don't answer the messages. She'll soon get the message.

I'd ignore the begging messages or just reply that you don't have that item anymore, with no explanation as to where it's gone. If she starts asking Dh instead make sure he knows not to pass on items without consulting you first.