To ignore grabby relative?

[whitetigerhair]

I'm starting to get quite annoyed with a relative (DHs sibling) and I'm not sure if I'm being a bit mean or they are being a CF.

Every time I receive a message from said relative it's always a very insincere "how are you" followed with some sort of request to have or "borrow" never get back something, usually baby items/clothing that dc have grown out of. Never any back and forth conversation unless it's about the item/s they have requested. Every single time after the request has been granted and arranged, if I continue the friendly chat with another message they don't reply to me. Until a few weeks later when they want something again.

I mentioned to DH that I felt like a cow but it feels like they genuinely don't care and when I looked back at my messages they never send one without a requesting something for free in it!

DH is a little on the fence and said "it is rude yes, but I wouldn't make a fuss about it".

I'm sick of feeling used and am quite insulted by their behaviour so am firmly in the "fuck it" camp. I don't want to make a fuss but I don't want to reply anymore. If he chooses to entertain their cheeky requests then so be it.

AIBU?

Just ignore their messages. Sell or donate old baby items.

How many times has this went on for ? Beyond the second time you only have yourself to blame. Keep doing what you’re doing and all that.
Just don’t reply.

Thank you all for your replies.

I'm pleased to see that I'm not being that mean and they are being quite cheeky.

I'd secretly love to send this suggestion.. "Hi X, I am well, hope you are too. Let's save some time: what would you like to ask me for?"

Or block them as per another pps suggestion! 😂

But for the sake of my lovely MIL, I'd like to keep things very civil. It would only be awkward for her because they are family and we will end up seeing them at Xmas etc and not worth the fuss for a few material items. But I'd rather give things to my friends than cheeky fuckers.

I think I'll go with a pps suggestion of replying but ignoring the direct requests for stuff. And if relative gets pushy and blunt about it direct them DHs way

They may get bored and message DH anyway.

My DH has stopped talking to his sister because she only contacts him when she wants to ‘borrow’ money (almost never gives it back). He just felt used and couldn’t be bothered with it anymore, I don’t generally get involved but fully supported this.

DH only hears from certain members of his family if they want something. If you are planning on redirecting the requests/messages to DH, make sure he can't agree to her requests: if he knows you no longer need X item, and he knows where it is, is there a chance he would just hand it over?

@Whattodoabout we are in the same position! DH's sister asks for money from him even though she earns more and has no kids while we're struggling as a family of 4 on 1 wage
OP can you not say "sorry I've already given X these items" when they message? Maybe if you say it each time they will give up

They sound like a CF for sure. But also agree with your DH that not cashing a fuss is best option to avoid any drama (speaking from experience/with hindsight!).

I have some sympathy with that view, DH having the misfortune of certain similiar-sounding drama queens among his own siblings. But many years of negotiating with their like has taught me that 'not causing drama' in the short-term is only kicking the problem down the line in the long-term. Avoiding drama is a sure-fire way of enabling a committed CF, and the more they're enabled, the worse they get.

It needs nipping in the bud by whatever means necessary, whether that's ignoring the messages, giving away the baby items to other friends and recommending a shop where the in-laws can buy their own, or a well-placed 'piss off and put away your sense of entitlement before someone trips over it'.

Any of the above would be equally effective, IMO.

If it’s stuff you in longer need, I’d reply with “oh yes I was going to sell that for £X, let me know if that’s what you were hoping to get one for and I’ll send you my bank details”

If someone contacts me by messenger my responses are straight to the point to keep the exchange as short as possible. It's not that I dislike the people contacting me, I just find messenger boring. Perhaps your SIL is the same.

Why not be honest and reply 'We have a queue of people for our handmedowns, including very good friends. It's their turn now' (or similar). You don't have to give them stuff just because they ask!

Just say you've lent it to a friend, whatever it is, every single time.

Just to offer a potential alternative view, my DH doesn’t do chat, small talk via messages. He’ll make an arrangement or whatever, but wouldn’t engage in the chatter, only via phone or F2F.

We had one of those.
Only other time they contacted was 'just in case you need to contact us. We're going skiing again. One has to do it in the best places don't you find. It was such a good deal at only £10k per person'

I worked out very quickly that we'd always just given the stuff away. And dh managed to put paid to the latter by commenting "a fool and his money are soon parted" 🤣
Dh does have a tendency to say what he thinks without tact, and that time was just beautiful. 😁

But for the sake of my lovely MIL, I'd like to keep things very civil.

You can easily work around it and give her nothing.

'Can we borrow the car seat'

'Oh gosh I think we've loaned it out at the moment. I'll see if I can remember who to! Anyway how are you?'

'Can we have that lovely coat X has grown out of?'

'Oh I'm so sorry, Friend X has already bagged that one! Hey while you're on the phone, do you still have the XX we loaned you? When is good to get it back?'

Also - if you always bring up something she owes you back when she contacts you, it will slow down. Eg:

'Oh hiiii hey can I borrow the jumperoo?'
'Oh hi lovey! Great to hear from you. This is strange I was JUST going to text you. Do you still have the second buggy we loaned you? I've got a friend who needs to borrow one, when can we come pick it up?'
'Oh, yeah of course, err, so do you have the jumperoo?'
'Hey I'll have a look, so when is good to come get the buggy?'

Put her on the spot (being lovely ALL the time of course). She will soon start looking for someone to sponge off who doesn't always ask for things back as soon as she contacts them...

there's Civil and there's Ripping the PISS...

tell me this OP.. what does grabby relative do for you .. like EVER ? be honest ?