To be fed up with this family member?

[Lauctane]

Namechanged as this family member may be on here and I don't want her reading my other posts.

My son is in his 20s and lives with his close friend.

He has been friends with him for around 5 years.

Over the summer I went on holiday with this family member and her children and I invited son and he went with his friend. Family member spoke to me and asked if son was gay as how close he was to his friend.

A few days ago we went away for a few days as it was my birthday and family member said it was weird that his friend was with us and told me that son is probably gay and in a relationship with his friend. And she commented on how close they are. And was making comments towards them

She also said I should talk to him.

I am really fed up with her saying this. What should I do?

Tell her, if she says it again, that you find it odd how interested she is in who your son has sex with.

Explain that is it non of there business what your son does. There are young lads that go out with friends family it's a very in common thing.X

Tell her that if she's that bothered about it, to ask him herself!

Tell her to mind her own business. Why is she so bothered?

I can sort of understand asking once if they are a couple. But if you have always referred to this young man as your sons friend rather than boyfriend that question has already been answered surely?

But beyond that not sure why she cares. Even if they are gay, it doesn’t mean they are a couple. Gay people have friends too😊.

Also what sort of comments is she making? Is she homophobic?

Not sure why she's so bothered.

When we were on holiday they went to do their own thing. And family member asked them how their date was etc.

Does she know (rather than suspect) something that you don't? If she does actually know something maybe she is trying to be helpful.

I'd just ask her why she's so interested in whether he's gay or not as surely it's actually irrelevant?

How is it helpful to make comments and keep going on about the son and his friend? I dont get the impression that OP has any issues about her son's sexuality.

Next time I would ask why shes so bothered because you arent. It's weird they seem a tad obsessed with it.

Well are they gay? It's a simple question.
Are you actually really touchy about this because you are unsure yourself of their status?

"Well are they gay? It's a simple question"

It doesn't matter, does it?

As they are in their 20s though, I'm sure that they can deal well enough with comments directed at them.

If she asks again you could say that you don't know & wouldn't care I suppose, or why is she so obsessed with knowing?

@Spied Whether they are gay or not, it is not this family member's place to go on and on about it. They have described their relationship as a friendship and the family member should respect that, even if she thinks that there is something more going on.

It is also not her place to try to out him to his mother. If he is indeed gay, then it is up to him to tell his mum when he feels ready. If he is gay, then what this family member is doing is actually pretty mean.

I'd be a bit troubled by anyone taking such an obsessive interest in my child's sexuality. Also wouldn't really want them making odd uninvited comments about their relationships to them that are designed to make them feel uncomfortable. Completely weird.

I dont know if they are gay. But if they were that would be fine.

I'm getting fed up because she keeps going on about it and making comments. When she first asked I said I didn't know but a few days ago she asked again and when I said i didn't know she said they probably are etc.

Just ask straight to the point ask her why she is interested in your son's sex life? Then as she is stuttering state that as he is an adult his sex life is his own business and not hers or anyone else's.

What she is doing is really childish and harmful. If your son and his friend feel judged it could impact their close friendship because they might start thinking it’s odd. And if they are gay that’s no one’s business but their own and they’re not obliged to tell anyone.

Just tell her that your son's sexuality is none of her business. IF he is in a relationship, whether male or female, then he will let everyone, including his mum, know as and when he is ready and you have no intention of forcing the issue. You don't want to hear another word about it.
If she raises it again you can say that you've told her you not discussing this and repeat until she stops.

Some (not all) older people are still coming to terms with accepting homosexuality. It could be that said family member is not trying to be rude but still thinks of being gay as a naughty secret -carry on films esque.
Times may have changed but people may not have caught up.

I’d say - bluntly - to her: “I don’t know. My son hasn’t told me and it’s not my place to pry into his sex life. If they’re in a relationship, that’s fine, but it’s their business. You should stop speculating about things which are nothing to do with you.”

It is not of your relative's business. She clearly believes they are gay and may, in her own way, be suggesting it to you by asking, because she thinks you are blind to it and fears it may come as a shock to you.

My relatives former best friend could see she had no idea her son was gay so decided to out him. This really did shock her but it also resulted in my relative cutting her best friend out of her life for outing him rather than giving him a chance to tell her himself. Relative has no problem with her son being gay. It just hadn't crossed her mind. Shame friend did it so stupidly. She was trying to be kind but it massively backfired.

Ask her what difference it actually makes. If he is gay he may not feel ready to tell family, or even feel the need to announce it at all. I wonder if the family member would think along the same lines if it was 2 females that spent their time together

To be honest, if she won't shut up then I don't think I'd want to go away with her again.

'Sorry if this is prying a bit Maureen, but is there a reason you seem so fixated on people being gay or straight? Is this something personal to you? If you want to talk to me, you can, anytime, you know.'

Should shut them up.

I would text/email her and say

"After our last trip your comments and questions about DS & friend are becoming very repetitive and upsetting. I'm not sure why you are so obsessed to know 1. if they are gay and 2. if they are in a relationship, but I find your desperation to know rather unsettling and unhealthy. Please don't mention this again, either to me or them".