To be fed up with this family member?

[Lauctane]

Namechanged as this family member may be on here and I don't want her reading my other posts.

My son is in his 20s and lives with his close friend.

He has been friends with him for around 5 years.

Over the summer I went on holiday with this family member and her children and I invited son and he went with his friend. Family member spoke to me and asked if son was gay as how close he was to his friend.

A few days ago we went away for a few days as it was my birthday and family member said it was weird that his friend was with us and told me that son is probably gay and in a relationship with his friend. And she commented on how close they are. And was making comments towards them

She also said I should talk to him.

I am really fed up with her saying this. What should I do?

I think I'd be more concerned that my DS is in his 20's and doesn't feel he can tell me he's gay (if he is) TBH.

Aren't you more concerned that your son can't be open with you?

Ask her why she's so bothered?

Did she have designs on him herself?

Why is everyone assuming he has something to be open about? My DH spent most of his twenties living with his best male friend. They were at school together, moved into a nearby city to work and got a shared flat and spent a lot of time together. Friend went on holidays with DH and MIL and was a de facto part of the family. They are both straight. Neither of them bought girlfriends home to their families in that time.

I'm now wondering if DH's family were all wondering about his sexuality all that time!

I think I'll message her.

I think I'm more upset because he was called gay alot at school because he wasn't very manly and didn't like things most of the boys liked. So he didn't really have any close friends.

Until he met this friend (they met online).

When she made comments to them they didn't really seem bothered and just laughed it off.

Sounds like she wants to be the one to tell everybody. My DM is like this - a piece of gossip and she'll break her neck to tell everyone first. Tell her to keep her nose out.

And son has had a few girlfriends.

If he is gay it is up to him to come out or not

DS2 was part of a group that were bullied at school for "being gay". In actual fact they were all a bit arty / musical etc and none of them are gay (not that it matters).

DS2 went on to live with one of these close mates for about 4 years before both of them moved in with their girlfriends...

I'm sure people will have thought they were in a relationship with each other, but meh, who cares. Your DM relative should MHOB.

Oh and DBiL was unwillingly outed in his late thirties and had a breakdown as a result. Not everyone wants to be out, and nobody should be forced out if they would rather keep their personal life private.

I'd be fuming and go out of my way to tell her to mind her own.

Why does it even matter? Really odd that she wants to know.

If she had his best interests she wouldn't be repeatedly going on about it, she just wants to gossip.

I wouldn’t text. It might make you seem bothered. I’d just wait until the next time then say “I don’t know, Maureen. It’s not really any of my business. You’ve mentioned this a few times already... Is it something that bothers you?” Ping it back to her. She’s the one being weird here, shine a light on it.

Aren't you more concerned that your son can't be open with you?

how do you know there’s anything to be ‘open’ about?!

I’d probably tell her that I find it weird that she’s obsessed with my son’s sex life and I’m not sure I want her around him.

Its absolutely non of her business, however if people are open about their sexuality it does take away the power that other people think they have by being a gossip, making nasty comments etc.
I'd just say to her that it was non of her business but if she really wanted to know then ask him.
I think if he is gay or bi he will tell you in his own time OP. If he lives with the same friend for years etc, then obviously he may be.

@Lauctane

WOW, what a nosey woman she is. If he IS gay then so what?

But it's nothing to do with her, and I would go along with the first suggestion on here (the post after your OP,) and say 'it's very interesting that you're so fascinated with who my son has sex with.'

Echo other pp’s why does she care?
My son is gay, but still has friends, in fact a big group of other guys he hangs out with some gay some not.
He flat shares with a guy he is not having a relationship with, just like non gay folk would share, shocker I know.
Is she of the opinion, used to be quite widely held, that all “gays” will sleep with anyone given half a chance.
Maybe she needs to update her views.

I think the key is this is bothering you because it reminds you of the bullying but your relative isn't being a bully. It's a fairly usual question to ask because you don't want to make assumptions or put your foot in it.

Have you never asked your DS if his friend is his partner? Is there a reason why you're reluctant to find out?

I have lots of gay friends. One of them lived with his partner for years and his family always called them his flat mate. He found it very difficult to broach the 'coming out' conversation with them and their deliberate avoidance of the topic definitely made it harder. I'm not saying that's the case with your DS but you do seem to have lots of baggage around this conversation.

Leave it for now. No point you making an issue of it when there is no issue (i.e. It doesn't matter if he's gay/straight/bi). If and when she says anything again I'd just say straight out, "Maureen are you homophobic as you seem to be fixated on whether or not Ds is gay and I can't imagine why unless you are not in favour of it". She'll say "no of course I'm not", and you then tell her to keep her nose out of your Ds business from now on.

No i haven't asked him if his friend is his partner because if he is he will probably tell me when he's ready but if he isn't then I would probably upset him or something. I am not reluctant but if he is gay I would accept him.

I can understand her asking the first time if he was gay.
I have a close family member who is a lesbian and has been living with her gf for a few years now. At first they weren't out to all of the family - ie. most of the family thought they were flatmates. I had a couple of family members ask if she was gay and I said that she was (She had said if anyone asked I could tell them). Then that was the end of it - no more comments or questions.
So yes, I can understand her asking - but that should have been the end of it. Her going on and on about it and asking questions isn't acceptable.
The next time she says anything I'd just tell her straight that whether they are gay or not is nobody else's business and is completely irrelevant. Tell her to stop making comments towards them as that is bad manners.
If they are gay they should be left alone to come out in their own good time if they want to and not pushed into outing themselves.

Could it be that she already knows and is attempting to force you to find out too? Maybe she feels you should 'know'
Maybe it's not that but she needs to butt out really. Either way it's none of her business.

Say nowt. If your son happily laughed the comments off, then you should take your lead from him.

I think you are right not to press the matter with your son - if he is gay, he will tell you when he is good and ready.

If she asks again, just say that you have no idea and do not think it is any of your (or anyone else's) business.

I think the most important thing here, that really shouldn't be overlooked, is just in case your son is gay if he hasn't told anyone yet then the absolute worst thing is for him to be taunted and speculated into coming out! If he is gay (and big if) your family member needs to be quiet and respect his boundaries.