AIBU to say that pretty children are more popular regardless of personality

[mrsbeeton999]

And probably adults too. The popular kids at my children’s schools are very traditionally pretty and I’m quite sure they’re not the nicest or most fun children. Also looking back the really popular girls at uni were the flaky unreliable and quite shallow ones - but very pretty. Are we really that easily influenced by good looks?

I wouldn't say my son is particularly 'pretty', but he's very popular in his class and was at nursery because of his personality. He's kind, highly intelligent and fun and includes everyone. There was a boy in his nursery class that had no other friends apart from him because my son included him despite the fact he hit everyone. I guess it can depend on age though and it's probably more common in girls.

Nah its true. My DD is as cute as flippin tiny button, and she knows it and people tell her. Shes autistic but very very condident and independent. Kids are drawn to her especially little boys because shes that boisterous. The problem is when she has a tantrum, teachers and others can't tell her off because they do that head tilt and go "Aww that little face" and she gets away with it.😑 So yeah.

This thread amuses me, so many parents saying their children are objectively stunning/gorgeous etc, now DS genuinely is breathtaking, it's definitely not my unconscious bias.

No

Has been quite the opposite I was a very pretty child and always picked on I was very shy and an easy target

My best friend from 11 was very pretty blonde hair blue eyes very confident was picked in terribly especially in high school

I think it’s more to do with personality than just looks

YANBU

Pretty people get away with murder

And my ds is lovely looking and very cute when younger - but not the best looking child

He is also quite shy but has always been very popular and is confident within himself

It's called the 'Halo Effect'. We assume good looking people have traits we admire because we admire beauty.

Natasha no flaming from me and I do recognise that as parents we probably do over estimate our child’s attractiveness BUT quite often there are other (non biased) opinions to back it up.

I agree, though I'm not sure they were necessarily the prettiest but they had to be blonde. I went to two primary schools and in both cases the most popular girl was blonde (and I often wondered why everyone liked them because they really weren't that nice).

The "alpha male" at ds' school was blonde and blue-eyed too. Took the teachers years to wise up to the fact that he wasn't quite as nice as his facade suggested. Primary school teachers were taken in, secondary school teachers had him sussed by about May half term of Y7. By later school life I don't think it matters so much anymore, as a pp said. Yes it's easier to get a job if you look attractive but it is more about whether you can do the job than the way you look (except for acting or similar jobs where looks matter).

Agree with the pp who said about teens being popular if they were fashionable, too. Not sure if that's still the case so much - teens seem to wear anything these days, they don't seem to be so wedded to fashion as my age group were.

In my school it was the slim, 'pretty' girls who were the popular ones and the majority of them we unkind. In my girls Primary school, it was the girls most perceived as the pretty ones who were popular, also the ones good at sport, but again they're mainly the mean ones. My girls are both beautiful (of course I'm biased, but they're nice looking) One awesome at sport but pretty in a more quirky way, she has no friends and gets snubbed by the 'popular' ones. The eldest is a more grown up looking girl, again slim and attractive and smart, but she had lots of issues with bullying at school but the popular boy and girl mainly. Now she's at high school though, there doesn't seem to be the divide like there was at my high school. My youngest (boy) has lots of friends and is quite popular. I think it's easier for boys as in my experience, they didn't have the good looking=popular and 'ugly'=unpopular divide. It seems to be the class-clown, the funny ones or the sporty ones who are/were the popular ones.

Don't know if it's just looks, but I know some kids get labelled very early on as troublemakers or good kids etc. When you just need to see their behaviour in a playground for 30 minutes and you see that the labels don't match.

BUT quite often there are other (non biased) opinions to back it up.

Again... will possibly be flamed but I'm not sure the opinions of friends/family & people being polite (lets be honest who's going to tell a parent their kid is ugly?) can be considered non-biased.

My cousins LO is, to me, not in the slightest a pretty child but I do the obligatory "what a cutie" comment on her social media pics because it's not socially acceptable to say "she's no a braw bairn is she?" I have no doubt however that her parents/grandparents look at her & think she's the prettiest little girl in the world.

What exactly do "not pretty" and "not good looking" 8 year olds look like? I'm more interested in that there are loads of adults deciding on the attractiveness of little kids - what values do you use?

The same factors that broadly determine attractiveness across all species. It's really daft (and I suspect disingenuous) to conflate it with sexual desire. I've worked in animal sanctuaries, it's very easy to see the pets that will go first.

• clear skin, clean hair
• apparent health
• symmetry

Spots, mis-shapen features, any signs of illness or deformity are considered to be unattractive as we are predisposed to avoid illness or signs of injury as a survival mechanism and are attracted to genetic traits that connote health.

Oh, and if you want to call me goady, I have a massive visible birthmark on my shoulder. I'm just also well aware of the biological fact, and don't believe in pretending otherwise.

There are limitations, and everyone has their own type, but you won't find many people on best looking lists that don't tick those three boxes - even if they are unconventionally attractive anyway.

Non biased doesn’t really mean friends and family being polite though does it?
It’s more complete strangers stopping to tell you/her, work colleagues commenting on family photos (where I promise we don’t ask whether they think Dd is pretty) or being voted the best looking girl in the year by the boys in her year (yuk!) and unfortunately being harassed or stared at by men when out.
I don’t really have an opinion on the way she looks, I’m proud of her for other things and as she’s nothing like me at all in terms of looks I can’t take any credit for it. I just know that due to comments she’s had since an early age she is considered to be very pretty by most people BUT (to get back to the point of the thread ) she’s never been popular due to a lack of confidence

I think I’m a popular adult - I make friends easily and have good friends but I’m def not good looking!!! No-one could accuse me of that.
At school ds is pretty popular (he makes friends easily), he’s a handsome boy but also friendly, likes banter etc. He could prob be more popular if he felt inclined to be arsed to make more effort.
Dd isn’t as popular but although she’s attractive enough she doesn’t really have the magnetic personality of DS and is quirky.
A lot of it is to do with if you have that ‘way’ about you - confident, have a nice smile (and use it), look attractive (not necessarily good looking).

I was quite pretty when I started high school —the years from 13 to 18 were not so kind— and a group of (what would turn out to be the) popular girls gravitated to me and wanted me in their gang. We’d never spoken I must have had the right look. Unfortunately, I was also a goody two shoes who loves to learn so I was dropped pretty sharpish as soon as they realised I wasn’t up for bunking off/smoking/generally causing havoc.

I think it starts young. My first was always popular with the nursery. she was a cute baby with an easygoing personality And quite advanced social skills. Not sure which aspect had the most impact but you could sort of just tell she was one of the favourites.

Maybe at primary school, but I don't think it's true at secondary school- although I think there can be a level of following fashion and knowing how to wear your make-up/hair which makes you appear "pretty" (whatever the hell that means).

I do think being blonde haired, blue eyed with good skin and slim probably helps a bit.

However, I think equally some of the girls who are attractive but maybe a bit alternative/less mainstream/shy can also be targets for bullying unfortunately.

I think by the later years in secondary, there's not so much one popular person as lots of friendship groups, and I think who is in the center and who is on the edges of each group depends on a lot of factors. Being conventionally attractive certainly doesn't hurt, but I think a lot is to do with organizational skills and confidence- it's often not the nicest ones who are popular, though.