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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is his ex taking the piss ??

60 replies

tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 16:14

I have been with my partner now for 3 years we live together with my children and he has children from a previous relationship whom he seems every weekend, however his ex won't allow him to have the children at our home so he has to take them elsewhere every week which can get a little expensive if he can't take them to his friends or relatives as he has to pay for hotels. he pays his maintenance every week but she constantly asks for more its like every time we save a bit of money she always has some sort of Emmergency and were supposed to bail her out, every week without fail an hour or so before he is due to drop the kids back she txts him a shopping list and expects him to pay out more money and do her shopping when she lives right next to a shop if the items where for the children I don't think I would mind so much but when she is asking for sanitry towels I feel this is asking for to much altho I think everything she asks for is too much. is she taking the piss or am I being too sensitive ??

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 10/11/2019 16:18

It’s not up to his ex to dictate where he can see the children - why isn’t he having them at home??

tequilasunrises · 10/11/2019 16:18

It sounds like she is taking the piss but more detail is needed. Is she not very well off? Does he pay the correct amount of maintenance? And more importantly, why are the children not allowed to his house, is this court ordered?

fedup21 · 10/11/2019 16:19

Why is he agreeing to buy her shopping?

Why can’t he have his children at his house?

HeckyPeck · 10/11/2019 16:19

She is taking the piss.

Does your DH buy her shopping for her? And use your savings for her emergencies? If so, he needs to put a stop to that immediately and if he won’t then I would separate finances. You certainly shouldn’t be paying for any of that. Or the hotels he takes them to.

Has he thought about going to mediation or court re access? It’s not for her to say the kids can’t stay at your house (assuming there’s no danger there to them.)

19lottie82 · 10/11/2019 16:20

Unless there is a court order in place, she can’t control where he takes his kids.
It sounds like he needs to stand up for himself.

Original poster

tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 16:21

he has bought them here several times and every time she has stopped contact so he takes them elsewhere to prevent that from happening as its not fair to the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 16:25

she works she's just crap with money and wastes it. he is getting pissed of with it as much as me but she can be a little aggressive so does things to keep her quiet she uses the children against him a lot and stops him from seeing them if she doesn't get her own way he pays more than what Csa says he is supposed to pay as does not want his kids to go without. there is currently no court order in place we want to try to avoid doing that if possible but finding it very difficult

OP posts:

Shelby30 · 10/11/2019 16:29

He's letting her dictate far too much, she's walking all over him.

I would be contacting a lawyer to see about getting the contact arrangement down on paper. He should just mention it casually to her when he has to. If he has this arrangement in place she can't stop him seeing his kids or where he takes them.

She sounds like an utter cow, feel sorry you both having to deal with someone like this. Sometimes there is only one way to deal with ppl like her and bowing down to her will only make her worse.

Sammyp235 · 10/11/2019 16:36

Yep she’d definitely taking the piss and even more so by dictating that they can’t go to yours. Who does she think she is? And with what power? He needs to nip that in the bud ASAP.

Starlight456 · 10/11/2019 16:40

I also agree a contact order needs to be put in place.

If he has Khan kids all weekend she has had plenty chance to go to the shop

Starlight456 · 10/11/2019 16:42

Is it you personally she has an issue with or any person ? Not that it matters in reality as he can decide where they go it would be far more stable in the same home .

Also how old are children as the older they are the more say they have

user1493413286 · 10/11/2019 16:45

If he pays the right amount of maintenance then of course she’s taking the piss and she has no right to dictate where the children stay.
He needs to stand up to her but I’d be prepared for her to react badly at first and I’d have a court application ready.
Get him to record everything and have as much proof as possible.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/11/2019 16:48

to her to court.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/11/2019 16:48

Take her to Court.. even

JacquesHammer · 10/11/2019 16:49

You need to get a court order in place.

ffswhatnext · 10/11/2019 16:54

Although no she shouldn't be dictating when he takes them.

I've read threads on here from single parents who are the children's' main carer and can understand why the main carer may have concerns.

I'm not saying this implies to the op.
Times when one has met someone really quickly and they've moved in very quickly together. Adults do what you want, don't bring those children and I would support the main carer.

I mean come on just some of the stories about all the man/womanchild is enough to say hang on a minute. Maybe not.

The extra spending should only be a concern because he thinks it is a concern. And he's not doing it because this has been mentioned to him. The money he gives is for the children. But it normally gets pooled into the family pot. I mean, come on who is really going to work out how much should go towards the rent/mortgage. If you do, mate give me some ideas because you seem to have loads of free time, what's your secret?

So asking him to get her pads in itself isn't unreasonable. Regardless of who he is.

It goes back to what's in the best interests of the children?
Forgetting everyone else involved, what is it that HE wants to do. He's clearly one of the good uns, not only does he pay regularly he pays more.

If he is genuinely happy to take them elsewhere, then he can make proper plans. If you can rent somewhere for the week cheap, then for a weekend on a regular basis it should be doable. In the warmer months even easier, let's go camping.
If he's not then he needs to look at how things can change for the benefit of the children.

Same with the shopping or whatever. If he is happy to do this, then that's his choice. He might be happy to do it some of the time, then he needs to let her know. If he doesn't want to do it anymore, then he has to deal with that. Maybe he's doing it because he thinks it's a nice thing to do.

ffswhatnext · 10/11/2019 16:58

And as for the savings and her emergencies.
How can she create emergencies if she doesn't know about the savings?
So he either tells her.
Or it really is a coincidence.
If he's telling her, then ask him what your finances have to do with her.

SuperMeerkat · 10/11/2019 16:59

Court definitely. I’m cross on your behalf 🤬🤬 What a cheek demanding that your ex buy her shopping. I mean, food for the kids is one thing if she was really struggling and it was a one off but anything for her, she needs to work that one out herself. My DH’s ex tried all that and we had to nip it in the bud. She even tried to get £375 per month in spousal maintenance after their divorce. Considering at the time DH was on £14k and paying £200pcm child maintenance, i’m not sure how the judge kept a straight face.

SuperMeerkat · 10/11/2019 17:00

*your DH buy the shopping...sure you know what I mean!

messolini9 · 10/11/2019 17:07

His kids.
His access.
His house.
His decision.

Why is he allowing ex to run rings round him?
Why is he kowtowing to her ridiculous wish to not have their kids visit their other home?
Why is he falling for her 'emergency' sob stories?

He needs to adult up, & stop pandering.

Grumpos · 10/11/2019 17:31

Why don’t you have a court order???

Why do people think it should always be a last resort to have an official agreement regarding the welfare, care and contact of their children. It should be a first resort - it doesn’t always end in court anyway, the first step in the process is mediation and this can often be enough. But for heavens sake why would you let this absolutely CF take the piss constantly for YEARS.

And please don’t say for the sake of the children - my partner did the same for years before we met and I put a stop to it, their kids haven’t benefited from my partner bowing to his ex, they’re far from excelling in life and since it’s all been organised officially they are doing much better and everyone is happier - especially the kids.

See a solicitor ASAP.

RandomMess · 10/11/2019 17:39

Tell him to get a grip and get a court order sorted. He is being ridiculous letting her call the shots by not doing so.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/11/2019 17:44

Nah, she's taking the piss. I'm divorced and I would never text shopping lists to my ex! Bloody cheek.

funinthesun19 · 10/11/2019 17:48

Wow she’s got him wrapped right around her little finger hasn’t she? She’s completely taking the piss with everything you’ve described.

Original poster

tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 17:57

we have been together for 3 years we both waited a year before we met each others children and we spoke to our exes before hand to make sure everyone was happy with this as we all feel the children need to come first and relationships breaking down and new ones starting can be very hard for kids to deal with especially little ones.
both exes had their concerns and all were addressed and the process of meeting was a slow one.
my own children visit with their dad every other weekend he pays his maintenance and I rarely ask for anything extra unless its for the childrens clubs which we both wanted to put them in I never ask for personal items for myself as its just wrong and not his problem.
my partners ex is the opposite she sees it as because we both work she should be entitled to some of my wages as well so constantly asks for more when we say no she gets nasty and stops the contact for a few weeks as a kind of punishment.
iv been more than fair to the woman iv had her in my home several times so she can see exactly were the children would be if they came she doesn't drive so have taken her to appointments for their kids when my partner hasn't been able to.
we try to work together so that the children are happy but she seems more interested in what she can get for herself. when he tells her he is going to bring the kids here she shouts at him tells him no and then stops him having them we have no idea why as she won't tells us what the problem is so that we can try work something out.
I know there are probably a lot of similar stories on here and there are 2 sides to every story but we want the best for all the children I sit down with my ex and his new partner every so often to check everything is ok we try to do the same with his but it does not go well all we want is for everyone involved to be happy for the kids to be put first and for the adults to be able to talk as adults to work out any problems but its difficult to do that with a difficult person.

OP posts:

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