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AIBU?

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Original poster

is his ex taking the piss ??

60 replies

tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 16:14

I have been with my partner now for 3 years we live together with my children and he has children from a previous relationship whom he seems every weekend, however his ex won't allow him to have the children at our home so he has to take them elsewhere every week which can get a little expensive if he can't take them to his friends or relatives as he has to pay for hotels. he pays his maintenance every week but she constantly asks for more its like every time we save a bit of money she always has some sort of Emmergency and were supposed to bail her out, every week without fail an hour or so before he is due to drop the kids back she txts him a shopping list and expects him to pay out more money and do her shopping when she lives right next to a shop if the items where for the children I don't think I would mind so much but when she is asking for sanitry towels I feel this is asking for to much altho I think everything she asks for is too much. is she taking the piss or am I being too sensitive ??

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 10/11/2019 18:04

Did she agree to overnights in his home before he moved in with you?

Regardless, he needs to go to court. He can’t effectively parent if the children aren’t part of his home life.

BrickTop999 · 10/11/2019 18:06

Does she claim Universal Credit ? Any money he pays to her over and above CMS is classed as maintenance is should be declared to DWP as unearned income.

Apply for a child arrangements order If she wont agree to mediation first. You can do it yourself. Courts see unrepresented applicants all the time. Cafcass will assist the Judge with a report. If there are no safeguarding issues, the court will not allow her to control and dictate his contact like that. Fucking cheek of her !

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 10/11/2019 18:06

Take her to court. Its quite cheap now. They will see she's unreasonable.
Ignore texts unless it's for kids.

Bluetrews25 · 10/11/2019 18:31

She will not tell you why they can't stay because there is no reason. She is just being awkward and taking pleasure from making life difficult.
Either that or she doesn't want her cash cows (sorry) to get to like it too much at yours so they might want to move in.

Slappadabass · 10/11/2019 18:33

Yes, she is absolutely taking the piss.
He needs to stop been a doormat and grow some balls and stop with the extra money, stop with the shopping and stop letting her dictate to where the children can stay.

ChilledBee · 10/11/2019 18:39

Does the CSA allocation take your children into account? Has he put them down as his dependents?

Cherrysoup · 10/11/2019 19:23

Why does your DP allow her to tell him to get shopping? He needs to man up and say no. If she’s arsey re contact, then he takes her to court, simple. She’s a pisstaker.

Original poster
tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 19:30

yes and he still has them over night just not at our home as she stops contact if he does

OP posts:
Original poster
tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 19:31

He gets the shopping as otherwise she stops contact she basically uses the children to get what she wants

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 10/11/2019 19:36

And your last statement is why it needs to go to court. This is not ok on any level .

ChilledBee · 10/11/2019 19:38

yes and he still has them over night just not at our home as she stops contact if he does

So your children benefit from his income but hers don't? Your kids are supported by their own dad, you and him? And hers have less money from him because his support of your kids is reduces his CSA allocation?

Musereader · 10/11/2019 19:49

@Densol999 Child maintenance is never taken as income, parents could be getting a million pound a month and wouldn't be taken as income.

Depends how much cms was in the first place, may not be enough if it is less than a few hundred. I don't get much out of my ex and he never sees her but i can imagine if i did i would be asking him for more than £29.

But the not going to your house is bizzare and would not be something she could insist on in court.

Original poster
tryingtokeepcool · 10/11/2019 19:58

Sorry no my children do not benefit from his income I was replying to the comment of did he have them overnight before we moved in together

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 10/11/2019 20:05

Fuck that, take her arse to court. Hate it when parents use kids as bargaining tools

BrickTop999 · 10/11/2019 22:02

Musereader I never said it was. I said money over and above CMS rates are counted as spousal. Child maintenance is not taken into account for Universal Credit. Spousal maintenance is. Its sec 66 of the Universal Credit regulations 2013.

Neither was taken into account for tax credits but it changed for Universal credit

Musereader · 10/11/2019 22:12

"money over and above CMS rates are counted as spousal."

Um no it isn't. Says someone who works for UC - when processing claims we dont know what the cms min amount is. Claimant reports other income and says it is child maintenance by private arrangement and provides bank statements showing that. That's it.

Spousal maintenance is deducted when shown on a court order. Not because it's over cms amount

1Morewineplease · 10/11/2019 22:15

Your partner needs to get advice... maybe from Citizen’s Advice Bureau.
He can’t just keep topping up his ex-partners bank balance.

CalmdownJanet · 10/11/2019 22:17

Well you need to go to court for sure. But he also needs to stand up to her, they stay at yours and there is no shopping. When she threatens to stop contact say "No problem, we'll sort that in court, in the meantime if you stop access I will be reducing maintenance to CSA levels of x amount and not a penny more for incidentals you ask for" money often talks with people like this.

Whatever you do clearly bending over and giving her all she wants isn't working. Let her stop contact, it won't last and at least you have stood up to her and the kids can actually sleep at your house but definitely go to court anyway

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 10/11/2019 22:46

I’d advise DP to sit down with her without the children and tell her outright he needs to know what good reason she has that the children shouldn’t come to his home because if she hasn’t got one he will be taking things further if she hasn’t got one take things further
As for maintence I’d do the same thing speak with her without DC and tell her we need to agree to a set amount for DC if we can’t I think it’s best we leave it for CMS to sort for us
As for all the extras it’s the same see tell her it isn’t his responsibility he gives her a good amount of child support
And after all that if he wants to contribute tell her he will of corse contribute to things for the children to do with school and hobbies where he can
Leave her with that and if she stops contact he has to be strong and take it all further it will be much better for everyone in the long run and she can’t use the children against him anymore

BrickTop999 · 10/11/2019 22:50

Musereader
You are totally wrong Im afraid. Just because you process claims like that, does not mean you are correct. DWP are wrong all the time. Read sec 66 of the Universal Credit regulations 2013.
It also relates to unmarried couples where there would be no order anyway, married couples pre and post marriage and the court have actually no power to set out child maintenance unless and only unless there is a maximum CMS award and the payer earns more.

Sec 66 requires the claimant to properly declare unearned income. That is money over and above CMS rates.

But carry on suggesting people commit benefit fraud by not properly declaring their unearned income. Everyone would get around sec 66 by just saying its “a private” child maintenance arrangement otherwise

BrickTop999 · 10/11/2019 23:34

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BrickTop999 · 10/11/2019 23:37

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AwkwardFucker · 10/11/2019 23:42

There is literally no way around this except a court order.

TriciaH87 · 10/11/2019 23:43

He doesn't have to do as she says. His time with his kids he can do what he likes and take them where he likes. She can't stop him taking them to his home and a judge would tell her that. This would save on hotels etc. As for her shopping he needs to say I pay maintenance so no I can't do your shopping. If he is asked again he could say OK I will get the receipt and I would like one from you for the amount as it will come out of my next maintenance payment.

JenniferM1989 · 10/11/2019 23:49

Your DP is scared to face potentially months without seeing his kids because he knows his ex will stop contact when the court process starts. You understand that too. You sound lovely OP and really in touch with things but you know and your DP knows that the only way that he will get a full relationship with his kids is to use the court process. His ex should be encouraging the relationship between her kids and their dad, she really should be but she isn't. Some people are just selfish and that's life and it's horrible to be dealing with it directly.

All your DP can do is say no he isn't doing her personal favours anymore and he isn't letting her dictate how he parents his own children and if she won't back down, he will be starting the court process and if she keeps the kids from him while this happens, he will fight tooth and nail to see them wherever he can

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