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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you do when DH threatens a punishment you don't agree with?

69 replies

HeadBrickWall · 10/11/2019 13:26

DH has always refused to have anything to do with DC's birthday parties with friends. I hold them at home on an afternoon when there's no school or after school. Warn DH so he can be late home etc etc.

DS (ASD, ADHD) is refusing to engage at school or do homework. He had a test on Friday. The whole class came up with a list of potential questions in their lesson and the teacher has told me that several of the test questions appear on this list of the children made.
We've gone through the list with him, he can't answer any, is refusing to look at the "revision" sheets I wrote for him (summarised from his exercise book). Refusing to read our the questions and answers.

DH has said if he doesn't do it, his birthday party with his "friends" will be cancelled. I say "friends" as he doesn't really have any as he has huge problems socially at school due to his Asd. I have already invited a couple people verbally although the invites haven't gone out yet. I was planning to ask 4 children over. I don't think cancelling his birthday party is the answer. But... what do I do now.

OP posts:

DillyDilly · 10/11/2019 13:28

Hold the party and ignore your DH.

OlaEliza · 10/11/2019 13:37

DH has always refused to have anything to do with DC's birthday parties with friends. I hold them at home on an afternoon when there's no school or after school. Warn DH so he can be late home etc etc

What the actual fuck.

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 10/11/2019 13:46

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 10/11/2019 13:50

I think you have bigger problems than this by the sounds of it.

JulietTango · 10/11/2019 13:51

Talk to dh and agree a plan whereby ds can "earn" his party back

Merryoldgoat · 10/11/2019 13:53

Yeah. This is your problem.

FelixFelicis6 · 10/11/2019 13:54

How do you just let your “D”H refuse to have anything to do with your children's parties? Unless he has additional needs or could not cope for some legitimate reason, what a shit father

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2019 13:54

I would

A) talk privately with DH and say you’re extremely unhappy and think that punishment is completely counterproductive.

B) decide together on a more fitting sanction

C) you and DH tell DS together you have had a think and don’t want him to lose his party so you’ve decided on the following sanctions instead.

D) consider really seriously if your DH and you are in the same parenting page and if not how will you FTC that?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/11/2019 13:55

Take DH to one side and explain that you disagree with his suggestion so will be holding the party as planned. Propose an alternative sanction.

And, yes, your DH is a knob as I'm sure you're aware.

CosmoK · 10/11/2019 13:55

What sort of dad refuses to have anything to do with their child's birthday party?
How awful

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2019 13:56

He is an awful dad

Original poster

HeadBrickWall · 10/11/2019 13:57

C) you and DH tell DS together you have had a think and don’t want him to lose his party so you’ve decided on the following sanctions instead.

I'm out of sanctions.

DH has also said if the same thing happens next weekend the family birthday will be cancelled. ( I know MIL and BIL totally disagree with him)

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 10/11/2019 13:57

Wow yes it sounds like you have more issues than this. Why is your husband so anti party?

You need to speak to him and come up with an alternative punishment/deterrent.

Quartz2208 · 10/11/2019 13:59

Why is he in charge

turnthebiglightoff · 10/11/2019 13:59

Your husband is not a very nice person or father. It's his child's birthday party and he "refuses" to have anything to do with them? What a wanker.

Gileadisreal · 10/11/2019 14:00

He sounds vile. Honestly, what sort of a dad 'refuses' to have anything to do with his own childs birthday party, and then throws his weight around. I'd be telling him to do one.

marriageisafullonmerger · 10/11/2019 14:01

Who died and made your dh the dictator?
He doesn't take anything to do with his child's birthdays but thinks he can swan in and cancel them because he feels like it?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 10/11/2019 14:01

Your DH sounds like an utter twat. Ditch him. That's half your problem solved. Then do some serious research how to parent a child with their SEN. Your objection to your DHs plan indicates your somewhat getting there. All the usual parenting rules - throw them away. Attempts to parent children with SEN in the same way you would NT children can achieve the exact opposite. You can't force him to not have these issues. You will end up putting even more pressure on when, imagine how hard it is for him to cope day to day anyway. You're likely to multiply the anxiety etc and just storing up eg school refusal, severe MH issues for the future. 🙁. Do what's best for your son. Like I say - if your DH isn't totally on board ditch him. It's hard enough without having to battle with a partner who just doesn't get it.

CherryPavlova · 10/11/2019 14:03

I think there’s an issue about a father not being involved in parties - what reason does he give and why hasn’t it been addressed between you?
I am with your husband, I think depending on age of child and how much he wants the party. If a parent sanctions reasonably for a valid reason, I think both parents should be working together and supporting each other. You aren’t offering an alternative sanction.
I think earning it back is probably the best compromise at this point.

Original poster

HeadBrickWall · 10/11/2019 14:10

what reason does he give and why hasn’t it been addressed between you?
He doesn't think they're necessary.

The DC love them. It's no hassle to organise for when he's not around so it's the simple solution. I'd rather do it myself on "our" time than have him moan about it and take up "family" time. I think part of it is also he is not at all used to seeing DS with his peers, when it's obvious how different he is to them.

If a parent sanctions reasonably for a valid reason, I think both parents should be working together and supporting each other. You aren’t offering an alternative sanction.
I think earning it back is probably the best compromise at this point.

DS has never been able to work to a reward chart. He blocks in that situation. I don't know any other sanctions because I'm at the end of my inspiration with him.

But I don't think cancelling his birthday will help.

OP posts:

KOKOagainandagain · 10/11/2019 14:10

I don't really understand - did you mean to say he 'had' or does he have a test on Friday.

In any case your first point is the real issue - he has an official diagnosis of ASD and ADHD - both of which can result in severe inability to engage in school. Double whammy with homework as there may be learning or understanding gaps that make completion difficult plus for many autistic DC school work at home is just wrong, especially at weekends when it's harder to transition into school mode.

With DS2 I have to agree a time in advance. He is 13 now and sticks to agreements but I had to enforce this with a 'no screens until ...' and then wait him out when he chose no screens and no homework, in the past. I think he lasted about five days. Responding in an emotional way (OTT threats) results in a meltdown and is counter productive.

What support to engage is your DS receiving in school? It is clearly not appropriate/sufficient and this is negatively impacting on your family as a unit and your son's experience of learning.

I can understand the feeling of powerlessness that DH probably feels that your DS is apparently unreasonably unmovable but no threat will ever 'work' (where working means approaching an issue like an NT child would) but will damage the relationship. Plus never, ever, ever threaten to or actually negatively impact on any opportunity an autistic DC has for social interaction.

Derbee · 10/11/2019 14:15

DH has also said if the same thing happens next weekend the family birthday will be cancelled

Tell your DS that it’s not true. And tell your DH to get fucked.

HTH

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 10/11/2019 14:17

I'm out of sanctions.

It's an anxiety issue. Sanctions don't work for anxiety, they only make it worse. Poor kid, not knowing the answer to a single question. No wonder he feels hopeless and despairing and afraid even to look at it. Does your DS have enough adaptations in school? Does the teacher adapt the work individually to his needs, does he have one-to-one with a TA, should he even be in mainstream? You really need to talk to the school, get their advice and if they are no help you'll have to start finding out yourself how to get your DS the help he needs. You shouldn't need to do it all yourself.

Your DH is being totally clueless and lacking in empathy or insight. I don't have any suggestions on how to handle that.

Original poster

HeadBrickWall · 10/11/2019 14:19

He will have a test next Friday. So he has a week to revise.

He hadn't done any of his workbook at school (beyond write drivel because the teacher said he "could write whatever he wanted" 🙄) .
I cancelled his trip out with granny last Wednesday (inset day) and went through it with him. There were worksheets missing so I got them from the teacher on Friday.

Maths is a sticking point. The deal is if he does t do the (adjusted) work the TA sets in class, it comes home on Friday to be handed in on Monday.

He has a chart to earn screen time but he'd rather do nothing. He's had no screen time since Wednesday pm. Before Wednesday, he held out for 8 days.

Getting him to do work in the afternoons is hard as he's so tired, hence trying to do it at weekends.

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 10/11/2019 14:23

He is an arse.
DP can be OTT too. DD is a homework refuser causes mayhem, she destroys her room etc she has HFA ADD etc.
DP will often say he is going to throw out her trainers or tablet, he'd use her Birthday if it was near which is ridiculous as it is a false threat.
I put him in his place in private.
It is how it says it too, like we're back in the 80's
Don't cancel his Birthday tell DH it is not his fault, he has issues and once my DD is going to avoid a test all the crying in the world won't force her. She's terrified of teacher but will still refuse, she can't help herself, it is very upsetting.
I hope your DS is okay. Wish him a happy birthday from me. 🎉🎁

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