To ask what you do when DH threatens a punishment you don't agree with?

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DH has always refused to have anything to do with DC's birthday parties with friends. I hold them at home on an afternoon when there's no school or after school. Warn DH so he can be late home etc etc.

DS (ASD, ADHD) is refusing to engage at school or do homework. He had a test on Friday. The whole class came up with a list of potential questions in their lesson and the teacher has told me that several of the test questions appear on this list of the children made.
We've gone through the list with him, he can't answer any, is refusing to look at the "revision" sheets I wrote for him (summarised from his exercise book). Refusing to read our the questions and answers.

DH has said if he doesn't do it, his birthday party with his "friends" will be cancelled. I say "friends" as he doesn't really have any as he has huge problems socially at school due to his Asd. I have already invited a couple people verbally although the invites haven't gone out yet. I was planning to ask 4 children over. I don't think cancelling his birthday party is the answer. But... what do I do now.

• "simply" as in compared to trying to access specialist provision or doing something more drastic than moving from one mainstream school to another.

Schools do not request objective cognitive assessment by EP (eg using WISC) and assume that DC are cognitively below average and so that a token effort is all that can be expected in DC with a diagnosis and so represents adequate progress.

When DS2 was 8, his school were looking for evidence to explain lack of progress (ie prove it was not the fault of the school). Turned out he was on the 99th percentile and so they had to revise their expectations and put in support to alleviate severe underachievement. And then provide a f/t LSA using a token reward system to enable engagement (he also qualified for an EHCP).

Imagine if your child had a physical disability and was struggling with PE you wouldn't be thinking about sanctions and everyone would be rightly shocked if you suggested it. You would be looking into why he was having problems and finding ways to make the lessons accommodate his needs.

The other thing is I think it's rude to cancel a birthday party once children have been invited. If he is having problems with friendships that's the last thing you need.

School and SEN aside, my late H and I started off by me taking him aside to discuss. He tended towards being very authoritarian because that was how he had been raised. When he saw his approach was counterproductive, he mellowed.

Then when the DDs got older and he became more rigid in his thinking, especially once he became addicted to alcohol, I would just flat out oppose him and not give a damn. Now that he is no longer with us, our household has very little conflict and no issues with behaviour. We all know the boundaries, we communicate well and it just works.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and ask yourself: is what the other parent is doing proportionate and reasonable? And if it isn't, you intervene, unless it's very minor indeed, in which case you discuss afterwards and ensure it doesn't happen again.

Btw you sound like a really caring DM.
Especially your comment on creating the party alone. You deserve a break.

Poor boy sounds highly anxious and depressed. How can you guarantee that you won’t fail at something? By not participating.

I think you need specialist advice and the school should be working with you to decide on the best way forward. In the meantime I’d be actually tempted to completely separate school from home and do some bonding over an activity he enjoys.

Your DH is wrong but I understand his frustration and attitude. However he needs to recognise that having friends and being happy are fundamental to a successful education.

My autistic son ,can’t cope with homework,he had a hard enough time coping with school.
The school stopped giving him any very early on as they realised it was causing him distress
All the best special needs schools near me don’t set homework for the same reason.

Could you try from a different perspective...

Instead of sanctions tell him if he does well in the test he will get a reward.. 10% correct reward.. 20% better reward etc..

Tell him if he wants your help with revision then you are willing but other than that it is up to him if he wants to try hard and get a cool reward?

Teacher here OP. Your DS's school is a joke. You need to meet with the teacher, SENCO and head and find out what they're going to do to meet his needs as they clearly aren't now.

What age is your son? Primary? Secondary? Sorry if I missed that.

As someone else pointed out it sounds like his failure to engage us through anxiety. What motivates him? What does he like? i see he has a TA in school, how do they encourage him?

I know your question wasn’t really about that but it does sound like your DH has a lack of compassion and empathy for him. No parent is perfect and we’ve all said and done things in the heat of the moment that we later realize wasn’t the answer.

My DH has, in the heat of the moment, threatened a sanction not fit for the crime
and that I don’t agree with. I just waited till everyone had calmed down and then talked to him about it. But he is a very reasonable person, he agreed that wasn’t a good idea I was just frustrated, wound up etc and then we would chat to the kids together and say we had had a talk and explain we’ve changed our minds. That shows the kids we’re a team and also that we’re not perfect. If your husband refuses to back track or allow your DS to buy the party back and show reason then I would be very verbal that the fallout of emotion and anger from your son will be entirely his to deal with and may impact their future relationship.

I’d also be clear with DH that for future reference he is not to use parties that you alone plan and participate with for your children as a punishment. Find your own!

From your subsequent posts, tour main and most pressing issue is with his school.

They’ve allowed you to take ALL the responsibility for your DS’s learning and education - you’ve allowed them to transfer their failure to appropriately educate him and engage him back into the home environment, making life more stressful for your DS.

Drop the homework. It sounds like you need a new school, or to homeschool until secondary, or a lot of additional resources at his current school.

Tell your DH if he wants to help DS he needs to be battling with school for better provision, not letting them push the blame onto your SEN child.

You're not alone OP although it feels like it. The SEN board here is excellent there is lots of support.

school can issue their sanctions.
School don't give him sanctions, which is causing issues with the rest of the class.

DS2 had zero social motivation to please
This is really a problem!

Who wants to make an effort when all they do is fail? And what is the point of your DS doing this test on Friday? It's way beyond him.
I don't believe it is way beyond him. He might believe it, but I don't. He has a phenomenal memory and it's actually a topic that he's partially interested in.

Have you considered moving him to another school?
Unfortunately not possible unless we go private (can't afford ) or move (can't afford and would negatively affect other DC).

Is your ds going to secondary next year?
No, we're not in the UK, he's repeated a year and transition to secondary is at 13 (14 for him)

maybe you could organise to take the kids somewhere or ask parents to meet you somewhere with their kids straight from school
That would only work if the parents stayed. I can just about contain him when he's over excited and outdoors, but in all honesty I couldn't be responsible for other people's children as well. I need him contained at home!

If he does the full course with points then bribe him
Bribes don't work.

How can you guarantee that you won’t fail at something? By not participating.
There is definitely a lot of this involved. We are trying to encourage him to try, praising him when he does do something even if it's not right or he doesn't manage it. But it is his default.

What motivates him? What does he like? i see he has a TA in school, how do they encourage him?
Right now, I have no idea. He likes screen time (iPad, switch, tv) but right now, he'd rather not have that. His TA is as useful as a chocolate teapot. Basically school just complain that he doesn't engage and isn't motivated and that we need to talk to him about it.

or to homeschool
I am not a teacher, that would push me over the edge and neither of us would ever get a break.

He did, eventually, come and read through the summary I had written. I'll be sending the rest of the invites out tomorrow!

My son is dyslexic and struggled in the early years of primary school. He excelled at sports and was very sociable but was 6 before he could even spell his name.He achieved a first class honours degree and has just started his master's.
It's upsetting to even think about the impact punishments like cancelling his birthday would have on your son and it sounds like he faces a struggle of his own every day. It's so important for him to know that he's loved and accepted at home and a basic right would be that he has a birthday party which his father attends.

I don't believe it is way beyond him. He might believe it, but I don't. He has a phenomenal memory and it's actually a topic that he's partially interested in.

That's all good. But there has to be some reason why he wont even look at it. Maybe some kind of anxiety, fear of the test itself, fear of failure (which the school may be making worse) or maybe the work has not been framed in a way that he fully understands. This isn't laziness.

He did, eventually, come and read through the summary I had written. I'll be sending the rest of the invites out tomorrow!

Oh I am pleased, for both of you.

Bribes don't work.

Have you looked at strategies for Pathological Demand Avoidance? Your DS may not have PDA in general, and PDA is broader than just schoolwork, but you could still try the strategies to manage his anxiety around homework. My DS doesn't have PDA but some of the PDA strategies helped him stay on track.

I did wonder reading this whether PDA might be an issue given the diagnosis you already have. I think Amaryllis might be right that the strategies might help.

Thinking some more about PDA:

Bribes don't work for PDA because they make the demand seem even bigger and scarier than it was before - "I want the bribe! But I might not get it! Arrghh! I wont even try!" One kind of bribe that did work for my DS (though it might not work for yours) was to bribe him to do just a tiny bit of what I wanted. I wanted DS to eat with his mouth closed. He ate with his mouth open because he was taking huge spoonfuls that he couldn't swallow before he needed to breathe. So I told him I wanted him to take small spoonfuls. He totally rejected eating a meal in small scoops. Wouldn't even try. But then I bribed him to take two small spoonfuls at the start of his meal. That's all, to earn a little a reward. And he did it. And not only that, he went on and finished the whole meal in small scoops, without me even telling him, no need for more bribery that meal.

Another way to get over the hump of fear is "checking for mistakes" - not his mistakes, yours. Maybe instead of asking him to read what you wrote to revise for the test, try asking him to have a look to see if you got anything wrong. My DS used to refuse to watch new videos, though he was bored with the old ones. So I had a whole "I bought this at the charity shop, let's watch for five minutes to see if it's broken" rigmarole. After 5 minutes he was hooked and no more problem.

As I say, DS didn't have a PDA diagnosis, but he did have a huge "hump" of anxiety that we had to get over in some creative ways!

But there has to be some reason why he wont even look at it. Maybe some kind of anxiety, fear of the test itself, fear of failure (which the school may be making worse) or maybe the work has not been framed in a way that he fully understands. This isn't laziness.

I get all of that, but at the end of the day he will still have to sit the test on Friday. I know it's not due to laziness and I have never said that it is. We have tried leaving him to it so as not to cause more stress, but it hasn't had any improvement. The week he did his best work at school was the week his TA was away.

I did wonder reading this whether PDA might be an issue
I suspect it is and we pretty much live by those methods. Alarms to leave the house rather than me asking him to get ready. Spelling revision by him checking through my spellings. Asking if he wants to read the work out or write it down. Always either or choices, no open-ended ones. Simple accurate instructions etc etc. Reiterating he has a choice over things (i.e. I want to watch tv! No, you chose not to watch tv when you chose not to do your homework) but that I'm not going to fight him over it. You need to do, not please will you do. Asking him to help.

It sounds as if you are really on the ball and a great parent and support to your DS, but the school is totally failing him. As you are not in the UK I don't know what to suggest