To ask what you do when DH threatens a punishment you don't agree with?

[HeadBrickWall]

DH has always refused to have anything to do with DC's birthday parties with friends. I hold them at home on an afternoon when there's no school or after school. Warn DH so he can be late home etc etc.

DS (ASD, ADHD) is refusing to engage at school or do homework. He had a test on Friday. The whole class came up with a list of potential questions in their lesson and the teacher has told me that several of the test questions appear on this list of the children made.
We've gone through the list with him, he can't answer any, is refusing to look at the "revision" sheets I wrote for him (summarised from his exercise book). Refusing to read our the questions and answers.

DH has said if he doesn't do it, his birthday party with his "friends" will be cancelled. I say "friends" as he doesn't really have any as he has huge problems socially at school due to his Asd. I have already invited a couple people verbally although the invites haven't gone out yet. I was planning to ask 4 children over. I don't think cancelling his birthday party is the answer. But... what do I do now.

I'm out of sanctions.

Let him get in trouble at school then. It’s homework - school can issue their sanctions.
Go into school and discuss strategies.

I find it unlikely you can’t come up with any alternative way of motivating him though.

DH has also said if the same thing happens next weekend the family birthday will be cancelled. ( I know MIL and BIL totally disagree with him)

Tell him he’s being ridiculous.

Don't cancel his party. That would be cruel.
Don't threaten punishment. His anxiety is probably through the roof.
Try to see if he will engage in a small part of the work on his terms as much as possible.
Keep badgering the school for more support.

YOUR SYSTEM IS NOT WORKING. Change it. Poor kid. He loves parties but has no friends. Your DH wants to take his party away. Your DH is ashamed of having a child with SEN so he doesn't want to see him amongst other kids. Poor child is struggling to complete work at school. So you make it follow him home????

This is fucked up. How much do you know about ASD and ADHD? You need to start learning. Asap.

If he has any tech it favourite toy take it.
I take it for an amount of time suitable to her crime.

How old is your son and how long diagnosed? Does DH accept the diagnosis? Do you have older DC (if so, are the NT?) and is he struggling to understand why traditional parenting techniques worked for them but are now not working? Does he think lack of 'strictness' might be the real explanation? Has this been a trope of the school?

I can understand the defensiveness. Your child's behaviour is often used as barometer to judge your parenting skills (especially before diagnosis) and you are seen as either 'that' parent or a 'bad' parent or both. Performance in a test that requires parental input is awful if it is a judgement of you but you are powerless to help your child do well (because they 'refuse' to let you help).

I find it unlikely you can’t come up with any alternative way of motivating him though.

Please, give me suggestions.

Stop trying to compensate for the school not putting adequate support in place by chasing up missed worksheets, writing revision notes etc.

Even if OTT threats 'worked' and your DS passed the test, this would be used as evidence that he didn't need extra support. Unfortunately support is only accessed following actual failure.

Unfortunately support is only accessed following actual failure.

Sadly not the case. It seems to be "make token effort, ignore". We have to pick up the pieces.

@HeadBrickWall Start with lots of praise. I know you feel like squashes them I was fighting a losing battle with DD.
Go to the school DD has a resource her who taught her how to keep it all one one page, she gave her a homework schedule, it doesn't always work but it helps.
Stop arguing with him about honewoeknif there is a free SPD course in your area take it.
Insist DH clues up on this info, also check out choice theory it enables me to push DD by giving her 2 choices with rewards.
It is very hard OP. As a pp said as a parent you feel like a failure. There are days I'd love to run away.

Your fighting a losing battles challenging his defiance.
It is part of his illness arguing will make him worse, he is lost, try a big hug too.

Give you suggestions?

Leave your husband that is ashamed of your son for a start.

I bet the kid would improve within a week.

DS is 10, diagnosed asd since 4, adhd only mentioned this year after re-assessment. School have made it clear they won't do more than they are not already doing. He had basically had 45 mins of tech over the past two weeks. He's not even playing with toys, sitting on sofa "sulking".

Poor child is struggling to complete work at school.
If he was struggling and getting bad marks, that would be one thing. But he is quite literally refusing to pick up a pencil to do anything. He genuinely does nothing during the lessons. This was our last suggestion - to bring incomplete work home - in the hope he would see it was better to do it at school than lose weekend time.

The problem is that this approach clearly isn't working and isn't really the best way to deal with someone with SEN. I think you need to look at approaches for SEN children and try those instead. All sanctions are doing at the moment is punishing him for being SEN and probably making him even more anxious about it all.

With regard to your actual question. I would be saying to your DH privately that the parties are non negotiable and you need to come up with ways to help, not punish him. But to be honest, your DH doesn't sound especially great given he doesn't care about things your children enjoy and, from what you've said, dislikes the comparisons between him and NT peers. Your son is different, not lesser.

Motivation - google Token Reward System. It's kind of like ABA light so not all would agree this form of behavioural modification is acceptable.

DS2 had zero social motivation to please. Normal reward systems just did not work. I used poker chips and a jar. He had no motivation to study to do well but had motivation to see and hear the chips building up - either to exchange for motivating rewards (chosen by him) or for the new pleasure of accumulation. The chips were different colours and values and he loved counting them.

DS is 10, diagnosed asd since 4, adhd only mentioned this year after re-assessment. School have made it clear they won't do more than they are not already doing. He had basically had 45 mins of tech over the past two weeks. He's not even playing with toys, sitting on sofa "sulking".

You need to make a fuss with the school. Go through their complaints procedure, governors, LEA (if not an academy). Get your MP on board - they're all vote hunting atm.

Have you considered moving him to another school?

You won't make any major progress while he has nothing left to lose (its an easy cycle to get into so don't be too hard on yourself, but you must break it).

In this case DS would definitely be getting his party. Mainly because I don’t agree with using birthdays and similar as a punishment unless it’s directly involved in the bad behaviour. But also because I have a DC of my own who has ASD and ADHD and school is hard for him. He has to work hard just to cope and can’t always sustain it.

Your husband is a selfish bellend for never involving himself with his children’s birthdays btw.

I swear OP the not picking up the pencil is part of his defiance he is out of control inside.
If you knew how many times a week I say pick up your pencil, I want to pull my hair out. Even in school she is extremely nervous well behaved non rule breaker she won't finish her work.
She also has hypermoblity in her hands and fingers.
Can you get an appointment with CAMH's. I know they are a waste of time.

Also with regard to your DH you need to tell him that he doesn't get to give sanctions that only you have to implement, as well as things like birthdays, Christmas (because I bet that will be next) and dinners are not punishment tools. Not ever.

Maybe point out to your H, that cancelling the party won’t work.

Then move schools

Does DS have an EHCP? I'm guessing not. Visit IPSEA, SOS!SEN etc websites and put in a parental request for assessment. It will be refused. Appeal. Your DS needs assessment and support in place for secondary transition.

If he was struggling and getting bad marks, that would be one thing. But he is quite literally refusing to pick up a pencil to do anything.

Oh dear. Your DS's needs are really not being met in school. Punishing him for that is so unfair. Who wants to make an effort when all they do is fail? And what is the point of your DS doing this test on Friday? It's way beyond him. He would probably learn more going on a trip with his granny than wrestling with workbooks.

Did you know that MumsNet has Special Needs boards? You could go over to "Special Needs Children" and ask for help with your DS's education. There are some very experienced parents over there, both how to get resources and how to help him directly yourself.

As for your DH... despite his attitude to your DS's disability (or possibly because of it) maybe he's a bit the same way himself? "Parties are unnecessary" well thank you Sheldon Lee Cooper.

Is changing schools an option? I've sadly seen children with ASD in schools that took the same inexcusable attitude you're facing, however simply switching to a different mainstream school that provided the right support and took their responsibilities seriously was transformative. Like they were different children before and after.

Your husband sounds shit. The school sounds shit.

Is your ds going to secondary next year?

Start by tackling the easiest one.

As for the party, if you drive, maybe you could organise to take the kids somewhere or ask parents to meet you somewhere with their kids straight from school. If your husband doesn’t know about the party, he can’t stop it. Normally I’d say fight and tell him to fuck off. But you sound too exhausted for that right now.

I’ve backed up some minor punishments I didn’t agree with and DH has done the same
For me. Minor punishments.

Your kid needs this party because he needs help forming social attachments. That will help his behavior overall.

I would take DH aside and explain the situation and why it is not an appropriate punishment. You can’t let this one proceed.

I would also recommend adopting a policy of talking to one another briefly before issuing non-standard punishments. I believe in natural consequences as much as possible so we do a lot of non-standard. The other day I fined Dd, but I checked with DH first to confirm he thought the concept and the amount were appropriate.

I don’t think it’ll help. I think I’d threaten him with getting a tutor. Expensive maybe but they might have good lesson plans to get his interest up and might actually help if it’s confidence issue rather than a ‘refusal issue. He won’t be able to do other things whilst his tutor is here and May listen better if it’s not you. If he does the full course with points then bribe him. Personally I’d prefer to bribe when it comes to education rather than punish as you want him to be keen rather than hate it. Doesn’t matter the reason.