To control how ds1's saved pocket money is spent and not allow this?

[theduchessstill]

Ds1 (12) has a big trip coming up next summer. He will be going abroad for a week with his school. The total cost will be about £900, £200 of which is the spending money (that is the maximum they're allowed to take). I have nearly paid the initial £700 - I've been paying installments since earlier this year. Ex has contributed nothing and pays no CS either (CMS are involved but he's on a very low income so there will never be much coming from him).

Ds has about £500 pocket money saved up. He has another savings account with more that can't be touched until he's 18 so this is just money from birthdays and Christmas etc that he's never wanted to spend. I've discussed with him the idea that he makes a contribution (probably 50%) to the spending money for the trip from this account. He's more than happy with this and it seemed fair. The spending money is for lunches (other meals are included in the upfront cost) and non-essentials, so this would be me paying for meals and him spending his pocket money on anything else he wants when over there.

Now ex has started saying that ds1 needs to go 50/50 with ds2 to buy a laptop to keep at his house. This is because ds2 is constantly on ex's laptop which he needs for work (wfh) and ex seems incapable of providing other activities for ds2 to do. Ds1 has a phone and would never use the laptop but ex wants his contribution because without it ds2 doesn't have enough money to buy one - he has less money saved because of his age and because he spends lot more!

I KNOW I'm not being unreasonable to not allow this because ds1 doesn't want or need a laptop, but when he told ex what his money was being kept for ex apparently 'went mad' because I should be paying for that trip and most of the money in that account has been contributed by his family so he has the right to spend it with ds. That's not true anyway but what do I do? Ds hasn't told his dad the figures and knows that he could still make contribution to the laptop even without the £100 spending money. He's now saying he wants to pay it, essentially to keep the peace. He points out he never uses his money for anything and that he would be able to use the laptop if needed, but he has access to a laptop at mine and has used it about 5 times this year!

WIBU to refuse to hand over the bank details?

YANBU at all. If exes family do contribute money to DS savings how about suggesting they pay for his 'half' of the laptop for this Christmas then DS doesn't lose anything (that he already has)?

Not a chance should one child subsidise the other!
YADNU!!! Cheek of him!

Your Ex is a twat, just ignore him.

YANBU - dint hand the money over.

The laptop is purely for Ex's benefit, ie to free up his own. He needs either to restrict use of his laptop or pay for a new one himself.

If you can afford too just pay all the spending money then ex has no argument .but even if not he pays no maintenance so he can jog on he can buy a cheap laptop for them cheeky bugger .

That just doesn't seem fair at all.
I thought you were going to say he wanted to buy himself fortnite skins with his own money and I was going to be very yabu.
But the dad wants them to have a toy at his house, which only 1 uses. And your son doesn't want to pay for it. Buy it himself for them!!

Cheeky fucker ex wants to pinch his sons money for something DS won’t use. YANBU poor DS. You and he will have enough to pay for in the future without subsidising the ex.

Does your 12 year old have a phone or a tablet? He could get a second hand iPad of his own that he could use when he's there and bring home with him so no need to subsidise anyone else's computer. iPads are more fun than laptops also.

Their dad needs to manage all provisions for the time spent at his, including for other activities.

YANBU.

I think the best thing you can do is help your DS learn how to enforce boundaries against his useless and manipulative father. If he gives in now to “keep the peace”, that’s a not good for him in short or long term.

Don't even consider giving him the bank details! He will probably take even more than that. Tell him to piss off. He can have a say when he starts paying his fair share

No way. You be the bad guy so your son doesn't have to say no to his dad.

Do not hand over bank details no matter what you decide!! Ex can give you his details and ypu or dc cam transfer the money to him.

If the dc account allows a parent to access it, then I won't trust ex to allow withdraw £100.

Ex is a c.f. but I can understand ds1 wanting to keep the peace.

Hell no. Ex needs to figure out a way of telling DS2 when it’s time for him to come off the laptop. (Surely he’s not working when he has the kids though. How old is the youngest?)

No. Keep those bank details strictly away from ex. Not a chance should he get them.

No wonder he’s an ex. What an arsehole! Just no.

Ex is CF, and the Two issues (spending money and laptop are separate.

1. stand your ground on this so that your DD1 doesn't have to and doesn't feel like he's jeopardising his relationship with his father

2. If a laptop does happen by other means (for example exes family contributing to DS1s "share" or it is bought solely with DS2s money, then it belongs to the boys/ DS2. Their dad shouldn't be able to dictate that it is left at his house.

YANBU at all.
He is a CF. Tell him he gets a say in the financial side when he contributes to the upbringing on his children.
Do NOT hand over the bank details under any circumstances.

Thanks for replies - I kind of knew I wbu but wanted moral support really! Ds2 is 10 and will get a phone for Christmas but is likely to still want to use the laptop for games as phone will be a fairly basic one - unless ex wants to contribute to a better one which he won't...

My worry is how this is impacting on their relationships. Ds1 is always reluctant to go to ex's and while I always ultimately make him go I'm starting to wonder if this is right. He says he hates all the arguing between ds2 and his dad, and seems to feel anger towards both of them. He says if he contributes to the laptop at least he will get some peace there .

No way! He should be ashamed of himself that he pays nothing for his children and can’t even afford to buy them a laptop for his house, you can get a laptop for under £200!

theduchessstill, I had a similar relationship with my own non resident parent. Unfortunately I also had to still maintain a relationship until I was old enough to go NC, but the damage was done and is still ongoing.

Please help your child stand up to his father. Nobody did for me, and the consequences will be life-long.

I feel sorry for your son under pressure about this. Your ex seems very unreasonable to go ape in front of the kids and make them feel guilty. Hope he has a fab time on his trip! Stay firm if you can. DS2 can get a cheap or second hand tablet

Tell your ex to shut his pie hole and fuck off. He can take the contributions for any laptop out of the CS he should have been paying for his kids.

And yes, I’d rethink forcing your 12 yo to visit his father. It’s not as if he’s going to withhold maintenance and leave you in a difficult situation if the boy doesn’t show up, is he?

I think DS1 is of an age where he can decide if he wants to go to his Dads.

But yes make sure you keep your EX's greedy mittens off DS's money. It doesn't matter where the money came from it is now DS's. I think I would remind your EX he owes you at least half the trip money...migth shut him up