To control how ds1's saved pocket money is spent and not allow this?

[theduchessstill]

Ds1 (12) has a big trip coming up next summer. He will be going abroad for a week with his school. The total cost will be about £900, £200 of which is the spending money (that is the maximum they're allowed to take). I have nearly paid the initial £700 - I've been paying installments since earlier this year. Ex has contributed nothing and pays no CS either (CMS are involved but he's on a very low income so there will never be much coming from him).

Ds has about £500 pocket money saved up. He has another savings account with more that can't be touched until he's 18 so this is just money from birthdays and Christmas etc that he's never wanted to spend. I've discussed with him the idea that he makes a contribution (probably 50%) to the spending money for the trip from this account. He's more than happy with this and it seemed fair. The spending money is for lunches (other meals are included in the upfront cost) and non-essentials, so this would be me paying for meals and him spending his pocket money on anything else he wants when over there.

Now ex has started saying that ds1 needs to go 50/50 with ds2 to buy a laptop to keep at his house. This is because ds2 is constantly on ex's laptop which he needs for work (wfh) and ex seems incapable of providing other activities for ds2 to do. Ds1 has a phone and would never use the laptop but ex wants his contribution because without it ds2 doesn't have enough money to buy one - he has less money saved because of his age and because he spends lot more!

I KNOW I'm not being unreasonable to not allow this because ds1 doesn't want or need a laptop, but when he told ex what his money was being kept for ex apparently 'went mad' because I should be paying for that trip and most of the money in that account has been contributed by his family so he has the right to spend it with ds. That's not true anyway but what do I do? Ds hasn't told his dad the figures and knows that he could still make contribution to the laptop even without the £100 spending money. He's now saying he wants to pay it, essentially to keep the peace. He points out he never uses his money for anything and that he would be able to use the laptop if needed, but he has access to a laptop at mine and has used it about 5 times this year!

WIBU to refuse to hand over the bank details?

Agree with @Floralnomad.
Also think that if you hand over bank details your DS will have £500 less overnight.

Twelve is old enough to decline contact, isn't it?

Tell him where to go! The laptop is for him, or why couldn't they bring it home again? DS1 should not contribute and not have to go if he doesn't want to. Since he thinks you're the bad guy I think you are within your rights to put him straight and tell him his opinion will count when he is paying half! Arsehole!

I would tell him to use the money he should have contributed towards the trip for the lap top.
Absolutely no way should your son pay for this.
What god awful message does that send him. No point in saving because someone else is going to spend your money anyway

Bloody hell this is classic what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. I agree with sending Nosquirrels message. I would, as others said, take control of the money or not let your ds1 take a bank card with him to his dads otherwise he will end up giving in for a peaceful life.

Seems pretty unanimous... I seem to have given the impression that they wouldn't be allowed to bring the laptop home - not sure what I said but many have mentioned it. I do think they would be able to bring it home, it's just that ex wants to have one there so ds2 can be on it all the time rather than using his (ex's) which he needs to work. Though an issue would be if he picked them up from school after they'd been at mine they wouldn't have it with them and then he'd expect me to drive it round there, which would be annoying! Ds2 has a kindle but it's too laggy for his fave game apparently. Ex does seasonal/occasional online work, so it comes and goes. He must have some on atm because the issue seemed to come to a head this week. Next week he may finish his current assignment and the laptop won't be such an issue - until the next time. I think the unpredictable nature of it is partly what ds struggles with.

As for making him go there, I'm torn. I'm never sure whether he's just having a moan or genuinely doesn't want to go. I worry that if I say 'ok don't go' it'll damage the relationship and he'll look back in later life and blame me for his poor relationship with his dad. It makes me sad to think it's a poor relationship now but I know a tiny bit of me (which I'm ashamed of) is secretly happy that the dc may prefer being with me. That's messed up, I know, and I am worried if I let him not go I'm giving in to that nasty side of me... I honestly don't know if ds just says it to me because he knows I'll still make him go - like saying he doesn't want to go to school, but he'd be shocked and anxious if I said 'stay home!'

I obviously need to talk to him.

Yanbu I hate ex’s this is the type of shit mine would pull.
Don’t hand over the bank details or money. Tell ex he can pay for it as he’s never paid for his kids! Say to him if he can’t afford it for Xmas then he needs to save up and get one for his birthday or a later date. No way should other son pay for this!
What a scum bag not providing for his kids then expecting his children to buy eachothers stuff. Would be different if both would use it but again why is ex covering the money for one child but not the other? What message is that sending to the paying child!

Don't hand over the bank details and don't make DS1 pay.
tbh it sounds like lazy parenting on your ex' part but it also sounds as though DS2 needs firmer boundaries. He shouldn't be arguing that he needs a laptop to play his favourite game and can't do anything else.

YANBU
Agree with other posters you can get a decent Kindle Fire which will download things like games & access to youtube. Or something like a Nintendo Switch which has games but can be transported between the homes.
Mine share a Nintendo Switch & just work out between themselves who has it and when. We couldn't afford to buy it so they used Christmas money for it. However both wanted to do this.
His logic is a bit off - he knows you're paying for the whole trip with no contribution from him or his family & is then questioning your DS putting some spends. The £200 won't all go on food. He'll have some spare. To be honest I doubt he'll need to spend all that.

Have you got a CEX or Cash Converters near you? They often have cheap second hand tablets in - and they are guaranteed for two years (I bought DS one last summer to keep him off my laptop). If you get one for your DS1 then it ends the arguments without letting your dickhead XH get his own way.

An easier thing would be for DS2 to get a second hand laptop for xmas from his Dad or his Dad's family. Then its up to the Dad to police it etc. Nothing to do with you!

It's a shame Dad can't think of anything else to do with the kids tbh.

The kindle tablets aren’t great. My kids have android phones and they can play all their favorite games on them and watch YouTube. Surely your DS2 has enough money saved up, he could help contribute to a better phone?

When that monumental prick of a man pays the fair share of the expenses of bringing up his kids, THEN he can come to your household with his granny little hands out.

Don’t force visits, your kids are old enough to know if they want to go or not, and old enough to know that they can make those decisions themselves and understand the consequences

The less this awful specimen sees of these young men the better. Last throng this world needs is another couple of versions of your ex!

What MzHz said.

OP you know you ex is a useless leaching twat. Your DC have figured that out too. He provides nothing for them. Going to see him has zero benefit for your DC. He doesn't actually do anything with them.

I wouldn't make them go anymore. Let them decide. The guilt you feel that you'll be blamed is just that. It has no basis in reality. You have facilitated everything and you're not telling DC never go there. They are at the age they can decide.

The cheek of him wanting a laptop which is I suspect for himself.
I suppose he's never thought about actually getting a real job that pays as it's too much like work and easier to sponge off others.

a tablet or kindle won't have the power to play the games your DS wants. Used laptops especially ones that are surplus from offices are very cheap to get and they usually have great specs.

Tell the CF ex to jog on and grow up and get a real job and start adulting instead of trying to sponge money from his DC.