To control how ds1's saved pocket money is spent and not allow this?

[theduchessstill]

Ds1 (12) has a big trip coming up next summer. He will be going abroad for a week with his school. The total cost will be about £900, £200 of which is the spending money (that is the maximum they're allowed to take). I have nearly paid the initial £700 - I've been paying installments since earlier this year. Ex has contributed nothing and pays no CS either (CMS are involved but he's on a very low income so there will never be much coming from him).

Ds has about £500 pocket money saved up. He has another savings account with more that can't be touched until he's 18 so this is just money from birthdays and Christmas etc that he's never wanted to spend. I've discussed with him the idea that he makes a contribution (probably 50%) to the spending money for the trip from this account. He's more than happy with this and it seemed fair. The spending money is for lunches (other meals are included in the upfront cost) and non-essentials, so this would be me paying for meals and him spending his pocket money on anything else he wants when over there.

Now ex has started saying that ds1 needs to go 50/50 with ds2 to buy a laptop to keep at his house. This is because ds2 is constantly on ex's laptop which he needs for work (wfh) and ex seems incapable of providing other activities for ds2 to do. Ds1 has a phone and would never use the laptop but ex wants his contribution because without it ds2 doesn't have enough money to buy one - he has less money saved because of his age and because he spends lot more!

I KNOW I'm not being unreasonable to not allow this because ds1 doesn't want or need a laptop, but when he told ex what his money was being kept for ex apparently 'went mad' because I should be paying for that trip and most of the money in that account has been contributed by his family so he has the right to spend it with ds. That's not true anyway but what do I do? Ds hasn't told his dad the figures and knows that he could still make contribution to the laptop even without the £100 spending money. He's now saying he wants to pay it, essentially to keep the peace. He points out he never uses his money for anything and that he would be able to use the laptop if needed, but he has access to a laptop at mine and has used it about 5 times this year!

WIBU to refuse to hand over the bank details?

Not surprised DS1 can't face trips to his 'D'F. Daddy Dearest has his eyes on the poor child's pathetic savings.

Ex wants another laptop and he's arsey about his own kid not paying for one. Ewwww. DS should get a couple of weeks off visiting.

Tell him to jog on. CF. Why should DS1 go short so your ex, his dad doesn't have to. If he wants to get DS2 a laptop why doesn't he save and buy him a laptop for christmas?

I'd talk to ds1 and ask him if you can transfer the money into an account in your name so you have total control then ds1 can say to his dad that you have the money and you said no. Takes ds1 out of the equation and ex can blame you

I would sit both the children down and explain that it’s not right for one to subsidise the other just because he’s a saver not a spender . I would also allow the older one to decide whether or not he wants to go to his dads and not make him go . Your ex sounds like a complete knob .

I don't think I'd be letting him pay half and I'd also wonder if you allow this wether it would open the gates for ex to ask for other stuff

YANBU. Your DS should put his money towards something that he wants, in this case money for a school trip and not be forced to spend it on something that he doesnt want and won't use.

Would a tablet or an Ipad for DS2 be better? One he could ferry back and forth between your house and ex's? Tablets are a lot cheaper than laptops too. If DS2 can afford to pay half the price of a laptop, he should be able to afford a tablet. If not, then it could be a good christmas present for him this year?

I think this works out perfectly actually OP, EX can use his owed back payments of child support to buy them a laptop and then neither child has to contribute.
Maybe you could suggest this to him?

I wouldn't trust their "d"f not to keep the new one for himself and give ds2 the old one.

I had a similar situation in that ds1 laptop at home is very temperamental so l purchased a new one. Ds1 however wanted to take it to his Dad's and leave it there. I refused. His argument was that it's his laptop, my argument was that I'd paid for it and wanted it to stay here. Plus his dad can and should be providing for what he needs at his.

I definitely wouldn't allow him to spend his money on something that he doesn't actually want. Also if DS2 is paying for his own laptop then really that should stay in his possession and he brings it home each time.

Absolutely DO NOT give out the bank details of ds1.

Now ex has started saying that ds1 needs to go 50/50 with ds2 to buy a laptop to keep at his house.

Tell him that if the boys have paid for it then it belongs to them and it's not being left at his. Remind him also that he owes £350 of the £700 that you have spent for your son's school trip which would pay for a new laptop so he can get one himself. I would also remind him that it's his responsibility to pay for his son NOT the other way around.

Hi, just chipping in to point out that you can get a very cheap kindle fire tablet from amazon: sometimes at about £35. Id buy DS2 that so that he can use it at home and at his dads

Ps your ex is a dickhead. But you knew that already

Absolutely not, it is DS1s money to spend how he wishes regardless of whether some of it came from exes family or not, clearly it was gifted and ex has not claim on it. Even if DS2 had enough to buy himself a laptop he shouldn’t be forced into it.

Refuse any access to anyone’s bank accounts.... cheeky git wanting to see how much was there so he could decide how it could be spent to best benefit him.

Tell DS1 to stand firm and whilst I would agree with encouraging the boys to visit I wouldn’t force them to.

Just tell ex that all of his money is in the junior isa. There's no way of getting it out for 6 years. Simple.

What AgentJohnson says, first page.

Could DS2 get a tablet for Xmas which he can then use at both houses - that's if he wants one of course!?

If your boys chipped in for a laptop why the hell would your ex think it would stay at his house? No chance it would belong to your boys.

If Ds1 saves his money he shouldn’t be made to pay for something he doesn’t want. It would actually put me off saving if I was being made to spend it on things for somebody else.
Agree with trying a tablet I got my kids amazon fires last year 39.99 each and they love playing games on it and watching suitable YouTube videos

He should be ashamed of himself that he pays nothing for his children and can’t even afford to buy them a laptop for his house, you can get a laptop for under £200!

Absolutely, the fact that he makes no contribution means that he has no right to comment on how the school trip is being financed.

The problem is that he works from home but says he doesn’t earn enough to pay maintenance. If DS2 is using your ex’s laptop, he might blame his low earnings on DS2 using his laptop. I can see why DS1 might want to opt for the suggestion he shares the cost of a laptop for the sake of a quiet life. If ex is working from home, is he self employed? If he is, can’t he buy himself a laptop for work and set it aside as a work expense when calculating his tax contribution? Or is he trying to keep below the tax threshold too?

I’d bet a fiver that *theducheststill’s ex is a meanie who is jealous of his sons having savings. Definitely don’t let him have access to their savings account. I’d play the long game here. DS1 is soon going to be old enough to choose not to stay at his dad’s. I’d let him use his savings to pay towards the laptop but let everyone in the family know what has happened. With luck, they will try and pop in an extra gift at Christmas to put back into his savings.

I'm confused, why isn't he paying maintenance for his kids when he has a job? No way let him bear your kids bank accounts the kids won't have any money in them
And at this time of year he could pick up a cheap laptop on gumtree for 50 quid or so he's at it or wait until Xmas and get a refurb one from argos, what's the big deal of getting one right this minute..

My youngest daughter is 11 and I have been teaching her about bodily autonomy etc, I cant imagine teaching her those lessons and then saying " right, you now have to go spend time at X place even though you clearly hate it and its making you angry". So yes, deffinitley rethink that.

Also your ex wants money from son As savings so son B can get a laptop. he wants to go 50/50.....I would be very wary as your ex is a CF that may ask for more than needed, so in reality his contribution is less than yours. Or if the laptop is a better spec than his own, will your DS2 be "downgraded" to the old one? Why cant DS2 get a tablet for xmas instead of a phone and play on that? most kids prefer tablets over laptops for games.

Ds1 is always reluctant to go to ex's and while I always ultimately make him go I'm starting to wonder if this is right. He says he hates all the arguing between ds2 and his dad, and seems to feel anger towards both of them.

I don't think it's good to make him go.

But YANBU in regards to the money. Your ex can provide at least the entertainment when they visit him... And shouldn't try to use his dcs hard earned money for that.

What @MesmorisedByTheLights said ...

Please stand up for your child .. and also don’t force him to go if he doesn’t want to

Poor boys and poor you, he sounds dreadful.

Can children be forced to go in these circumstances it seems really cruel.

I would send ex an email along lines of

Ex, I’ve paid full cost of DS1’s school trip (£500) and will be paying meals on top (£100). DS1 is taking spending money of £100 from his savings.

If you want to buy an extra laptop for DS2 to use at your house, then I think it’s reasonable you pay the whole cost of that, and DS2 can contribute £100 of his spending money if he chooses.

It will still work out cheaper for you than in we go 50-50 on the totals costs of the laptop and the school trip.

I am so sorry for your DS. Whatever you decide to do (although I wouldn't contribute) do not give him bank details. Also, at 12 I think he has the right not to go to his father's if he doesn't want to. I stopped seeing mine about that age for many reasons I did begin to have contact later Iife.

Under no circumstances should you hand over your son's bank details!! Why on earth would you. If money is going to be used then your son withdraws the amount and hands over the cash, but he does not EVER give his bank details to anyone.

Ever.