Ex-parent undermining

[miku]

My dd is nearly 16 has the biggest room in my flat, and has decided that the chest of drawers, clothes rail and bookcase i have upcycled isnt enough. ( she has other bookcases and desk in her room too). She asked if she could have an ikea all on one. I said no. Today she and her father came back with heavy mdf rubbish from ikea. I am furious. He doesnt live here. The old furniture is made from wood which I painted fir her- they are trying yo take it to the tip. So, am I being unreasonable????

What, sober father has sourced bedroom furniture to be likening and you have an issue with this why?

He’s her father, not an ex-parent.

They should definitely have agreed it with you first, and shouldn't be throwing away your furniture without permission. However, it is perfectly reasonable for him to have offered to buy her a new wardrobe if he wants to.

To be fair, why does she have to have thw furniture you want in her room.

They shouldnt take it to the tip unless you say thata ok though

Why Do you object? Sell the other stuff and keep the money. He’s basically given you some spare cash. And DD is happy.

(Why is he called ex-parent? Surely he isn’t her ex parent?)

I think you referring to him as her "ex parent" kind of sums up your attitude to him, and makes you unreasonable even if otherwise you weren't being.

I can see your point, but whilst you can insist they don't throw away your furniture, you would be unreasonable to stop her having the wardrobe her father has bought for her.

I'd be inclined to let her have what she wants in her room as long as you don't have to pay for it.

Ex parent???

Erm....he doesn’t get to make decisions in the OPs house! If he wants to put ikea stuff in his house that’s his prerogative but my ex would be told to do one if he tried to do that when I’d already said no, in MY house.

I’m thinking maybe OP meant ex partner but mistyped it.

I think it's weird and a bit intrusive for him to buy such a large present for your house without talking to you first. Presumably he then wanted to come in and put it together? How long have you been split up? Is he often like this?

He is her father, not an ex parent.

To be honest so much would depend on the context.

E.g. 16 year old has maturity to develop opinion on bedroom furniture and expresses it, but parent ignores and decides that their way is the only way and they've upcycled so that's that / mum decides this is the furniture and then expects 16 year old to shut up - then I'm not entirely convinced that the father is being unreasonable

E.g. 16 year old wants upcycled furniture in a certain style, mum does this and puts a lot of effort in only for the child and dad to say after a couple of months I want a new one - father is totally unreasonable

Plus, it also depends on how good an upcycle it is. Upcycled seems to mean anything from "someone with a hobby who is talented and uses the hobby to refurbish and update old furniture" through to "someone takes a paint brush or some crackle glaze to a piece of low to mid range pine furniture". The former can look beautiful. The latter in my opinion often looks a bit crap.

Yabu

I think OP probably meant ex-partner.

Give the poor child a break. She’s a teenager who has probably had enough angst through the breakdown of her parents relationship. Your use of the term “My Flat” speaks volumes about you, poor girl probably just wants something she feels she has chosen, rather than something, no matter how nice, imposed on her.

Never heard the term ex parent before

One lesson i think ive learnt is not to reach out when im angry. Yes, I meant my ex. And ' my flat' rather than mine and my dd's fathers flat. Of course it is my dd flat as much as mine. Im not angry now. Just feel sad that my grandmothers pine chest of drawers is destined for the tip, and a beautiful oak set of shelves are going to be squeezed into my single bedroom. Love you judgey peops! Love the non- judgey ones better thanks for your input

Can you not keep your grandmother’s furniture? Why does it have to go to the tip?

Don't let the furniture go to the tip! Would anyone else in the family want it? That might make you feel a bit better. Or Freecycle?

Oh, and the bed, desk, books,light, clothes, dance lessons- all her choice. Not mine. The thing I was angry about IS the lack of consultation. I said no to the ikea- she went and got it with her dad.

I see why you're upset but don't let it show ..

Ill get it recycled somewhere.

It’s entirely fair she decides what furniture she wants in her own room. Why be furious about it?

Why say no to ikea? It’s her room!

Be happy you recycled the ex!!

It may be her room but it's in her mum's house and at the age of 15 you simply don't get to dictate what furniture you have.

Her dad was very wrong to undermine you - does he often undermine your parenting decisions and leave you to deal with the consequences?