Ex-parent undermining

[miku]

My dd is nearly 16 has the biggest room in my flat, and has decided that the chest of drawers, clothes rail and bookcase i have upcycled isnt enough. ( she has other bookcases and desk in her room too). She asked if she could have an ikea all on one. I said no. Today she and her father came back with heavy mdf rubbish from ikea. I am furious. He doesnt live here. The old furniture is made from wood which I painted fir her- they are trying yo take it to the tip. So, am I being unreasonable????

Why can’t she decide at 15? She isn’t asking the op to pay for it. My daughter is 12 and her new bed arrived today that she picked, and I built the furniture that she chose. It’s her private space to have as she wants it.

Tbh the lack of consultation would make me furious and I'd tell her dad to leave the flat.

I think ppl do this to those who they know won't kick up a fuss. You must be easy going or your Ex would not try this.

He should have asked if you'd be okay with it first.

NichyNoo- yes. Every chance he can get. I dont give him many chances these days.

The fact that THE ONLY THINGS in her room she is replacing were NOT chosen by her...and I was not asked FIRST...

It may be her room but it's in her mum's house and at the age of 15 you simply don't get to dictate what furniture you have.

Why not?

The fact that THE ONLY THINGS in her room she is replacing were NOT chosen by her

Yes, in her own room. She wants stuff she has chosen. Really not a big deal.

Surely that's why she's replacing them because she didn't choose them

She wants furniture in her room that she's chosen and works for her. There's no financial issue and dad is happy to get it for her.

The only issue is that you wanted to keep some furniture for sentimental reasons so have put it in her room because you've not got space to put it elsewhere and are now upset/annoyed that a teenager has vocalised their views.

Teenagers don't get to dictate and demand from household finances, but I find the approach "I want to keep this so have upcycled it and you have it, and I'll ignore your contributions and thoughts on the matter" to be quite counter productive and it's not surprising she's spoken to her other parent and you weren't consulted again.

At the end of the day it's not about whether she should be able to choose her own furniture or not. It's about the fact that her daughter was told no and and went ahead and did it anyway. Is this going to happen every time the daughter doesn't agree with her mother?

Why are the items going to the tip? Why can't you keep them?
Nothing wrong with a teenager making decisions about her own bedroom.

Oh, and "ex parent"? Wtf is that about?

At the end of the day it's not about whether she should be able to choose her own furniture or not. It's about the fact that her daughter was told no and and went ahead and did it anyway. Is this going to happen every time the daughter doesn't agree with her mother?

And why was the answer no. Why isnt she allowed to choose things for her own room?

Parenting a teenager isnt easy. But not listening to them and giving blanket mo to things that only impact them, just for the sake of saying no is only going to make it harder.

I second Crinkle77's responce.
It's not so much about the furnature. It's the fact dd asked the OP and was told no.
Not liking that she went behind OPs back to her df and got what she wanted.
It's disrespectful to the OP and it teaches dd it's easy to play her parents off each other.

Hungryhippie-typo. I meant ex partner.
Its hard to explain everything and just felt really fkg undermined AGAIN. Ididnt say no to her having new furniture-just no to really heavy furniture! (Were planni g to move nextyear )

I think it's more complicated than that crinkle.

If the sole reason for being told she has to have the upcycled furniture is because Mum wants to keep it and has nowhere to store it then I think that's not a valid reason to shut the conversation down.

Equally, some upcycling is talented use of hobbies and skills, others is shove a lick of paint on some wood. The quality of the craftsmanship matters too.

Flouncing to dad every time she disagrees and gets her own way from dad every time isn't on, but speaking to the other parent because you feel you aren't being listened to by the other is reasonable

Don't let things you love go to the tip. Can't you swap them for things in your room?

Annoying of your ex- was he trying to wind you up?

Because its the Mother's house? The ex partner doesn't get to decide to throw away her furniture?
0P, please don't let your DD and Ex walk all over you. Of course your DD can have IKEA furniture,, but in the room in her father's house, not her room in yours.

Lolasmiles- think you are making up a scenario that didnt and isnt happening. We get on really well. We talk about everything. This isnt the first time this has happened. She used to love monster high dolls. I bought her a few. She decided she didnt want them. So i photographed them to put on ebay. This was in august. I said ill wait until closer to christmas to sell them. She and her fatherwithout me knowing , took them to the tip a month later because she didnt hear me/ i wasnt fast enough.

I'm not making anything up.
I'm challenging the idea that crinkle said when they suggested the issue here is a child going behind one parent's back.

I gave hypothetical examples that are many reasons a child could go to their other parent in this situation without being out of order.

Ah ok. She has gone behind my back. It has angered and hurt me. Because I havent said no to new furniture. She asked me about it a week ago at 10 p.m, I said no to the ikea one she showed me. I said lets look at other stuff. Then forgot about it. It arrived at 6 p.m tonight.....

Why does your DD have the big room and you have the single room?

What’s the problem about the ikea furniture if that was what she liked?

Because I wanted her to have space of her own!

Actually I'm shocked so many people don't see the issue!

D.D. will probably move out in the next 3-5 years. OP will be left with IKEA furniture which doesn't like being moved, should OP want to move, and doesn't have the sentimental or actual value of real furniture.

OP will have to get rid of things she wants to keep, to make room for things that have no lasting value.

And the ex undermined her relationship with D.D.

I'm not surprised you're upset, OP.

Thankyou Picklemepopcorn. Thankyou x

It is very undermining of him and manipulative of your daughter too.

I’d be cross with both. It’s still your house and she can’t do anything she likes. Particularly if it’s playing off her parents. Of course he’d have loved nothing better than to please her if you were so unreasonable...

It’s bad relationship skills for her.

Honestly I’d unpack it and put it outside and say she either learns to...
Negotiate camly and maturely with you
Accepts the original furniture.

Crucial to this though is if you are being fair. I’d have listened to my teenager and if they really, really wanted ikea I’d probably have let them. If they paid for it themselves if I didn’t have the money. It’s really nice to have your own room with your own stuff, crucial at teenagehood.

Yep it is crucial and it has nade me question myself ( a good thing) as parenting is a learning game. Maybe I didnt give enough attention to her idea. As a single parent with different time line its hard to be " awake" all the time. I am taking this as a reflection- what else is there to do? I literally dont have the energy to take apart the furniture her dad is taking 4 hours to put together! And this seems to be the problem. Her father uses her to get to me, she uses her dad to get get what she wants- it all feels very skewed and I dont know how to right this.