Ex-parent undermining

[miku]

My dd is nearly 16 has the biggest room in my flat, and has decided that the chest of drawers, clothes rail and bookcase i have upcycled isnt enough. ( she has other bookcases and desk in her room too). She asked if she could have an ikea all on one. I said no. Today she and her father came back with heavy mdf rubbish from ikea. I am furious. He doesnt live here. The old furniture is made from wood which I painted fir her- they are trying yo take it to the tip. So, am I being unreasonable????

I’m confused as to what your main objection actually is. It’s seemed to be about furniture in general but then you mentioned that you said no to ikea and she could look around

I think that this battle is lost, so you have to hang on for the war. Graciously back away from what they are doing.
Concentrate on what you want- To keep the furniture you want.
Involve D.D. in that, get her to measure lots of places, see what can be moved, what can be replaced etc. Get her to ring around your relatives to see who can hang on to special things.

She has done what she has done. Now she needs to work through the consequences. When she's spent some hours trying to resolve the situation, she'll understand better.

And when you move, tell her to get your ex back to dismantle move and rebuild it.

i wrote my original post in anger! So it obviously wasnt an indepth explanation. She has a very heavy piece of furniture which is a wardrobe/ shelving/ chest of drawers combo made of mdf. I originally said no to that.

Aye, picklemepopcorn. Good idea to involve her sorting out the remaining furniture. Thankyou for that xx

I think you've been undermined by both of them and I'm not surprised your angry. She is the child and it's your house, your rules. I get that she wants her own stuff but not at the expense of yours. I'd tell her she can have the furniture but she'll have to move into the small room so you can keep the other furniture in your room.

You're*

Her father uses her to get to me, she uses her dad to get get what she wants- it all feels very skewed and I dont know how to right this.

If this has been something that has happened before then maybe it is time to just say no. Your house. Your rules. She can put it in her Dads house...

...oh wait. Does he not have a room for her that she goes to regalarly? Shame.

Sorry but I don't think it is her choice what furniture she has. Wall colour, posters, bedding yep all her choice but furniture nope sorry. We have fitted wardrobes, if she wanted them out and new ones in it's a nope even if someone else wanted to pay at the end of the day it will still be my home after she moved out. Same with your furniture, so solid wood furniture goes and she gets Ikea, she's older moves out and you're left with Ikea and can't afford to get solid antique items back. Yes it's her house too but children can't dictate everything.

I’ll have it

I dont think YABU. I would be pissed off. I'm surprised at the responses saying 'I'd have got her he furniture'.

Maybe if it was her birthday or Christmas or similar but furniture is generally expensive, I don't see why she should just get something straight away just because she fancies it unless money is normally no object for you. She must know this.

Its shit of your ex for two reasons -
It has undermined you, and if there is a pattern of him saying yes to things that you've said no to, then she isn't going to learn to respect your answer.

You dont just buy large items of furniture for someone elses house without asking! As much as children can have a say, its still the home owners final choice normally.

Saying that, I think the upcycled thing is a bit of a red herring, it's the principle really

My ds is also nearly 16 and if the same situation happened to me, ie I said no to new furniture and ds went to dh behind my back and dh bought wardrobe (with no discussion with me) and they took old furniture to the tip, I would be mightily p**ed off. And this is OP's ex!

Quite surprised at some of the answers on here.

My children don’t get to decide on their furniture. They have input, yes. But I don’t replace perfectly good furniture. They can customise their room to their hearts content when they move out.

I wouldn’t be taking anything to the tip that I wanted to keep.