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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Different Money Views

54 replies

LDreads · 09/11/2019 11:22

AIBU?

I have 3 children, OH has none. I earn an okay salary but he earns at least 2.5 times what I do. He owns a house, but rents rooms which cover his mortgage and bills.
Money is always tight with me, my 2 smalls are still in full time childcare, and I have a lot of debt to pay off from my previous bad relationship, I'm often skint but all the bills are getting paid. He does pay for a lot and at first it was okay, but he throws it back in my face a lot now. He pays me £300pm in 'rent' which is meant to cover everything including all his food ( I do all the shopping) but he will often buy food etc.
Latest money argument: We had accident and I had to buy the morning after pill - I Asked him if he would pay for it as I've had to do some car repairs this month so am extra tight (he knows this) - he quibbled and said we should go halfs. I was so upset because I explained to him that half that money (£17.50) is the difference of me going out one time with friends that month or not. Where as to him its nothing (He has ££££ of disposable income a month)
This is a recurrent argument in our relationship - I feel i'm giving everything I can, and suggest we live a lifestyle more akin to what I can afford, but then he wants to go out all the time and will pay but throws it back at me and its quite obvious he is resentful of that dynamic.
When i say that we obviously have diff attitudes to money (i'm very generous, if I've got it you can have it kind of way) he says its not fair and regardless of what each person earns everything should be 50/50 until we have children together (I don't agree, in a relationship no matter ow much either party earns as long as each person is giving their all mostly that's all that matters to me) . But I just feel our attitudes to money are so different its going to spell out big problems in our future. He's gone away this weekend and I'm happy to be alone... but that's not right. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 09/11/2019 11:28

Do you want to stay in a relationship with him? I don't think I could, his attitude to money sounds awful.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/11/2019 11:32

He's mean OP. That's your basic problem, right there. And if you have children with him, he gets to financially abuse you I suspect...

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/11/2019 11:32

I agree with him in that 50/50 is the best way pre marriage. It’s only fair both adults pay their own way. If there are existing children the parents pick up the cost.

If he’s giving you £800 surely you are far better off than before as he won’t be eating that much extra in food etc.

The relationship sounds incompatible though so maybe best to make a clean break now. Rowing is never a good sign especially early on.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/11/2019 11:33

75 pw is not going to cover what he 'costs' to your house, in extra bills, removal of single person council tax allowance, food, etc. He's trying it on.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/11/2019 11:34

£300 pm ice cream, not 800.

AhNowTed · 09/11/2019 11:42

He's generously giving you less than £10 a day, and he thinks he's doing you a big favour.

A whole £9.86 a day to be exact.

Thats what we charge our son as a "token" rent.

Tell him to fuck off!

Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 11:48

Yes sometimes I feel like its mean and i don't understand it? I feel like I work as hard as I can and I give everything I can which i regularly state and I feel like he thinks its not good enough because 'its not fair'. But when i bring it up he says I'm everything to him and he wants this to work and he'll not let us go without etc but I've been saying that its important that he is happy as well and just doing something in the long run like contributing more if he's going to re sent it is useless!

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 09/11/2019 11:49

His attitude to the MAP would have clinched it for me.

Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 11:50

@Bringmewineandcake I do agree ... a few weeks ago when we had an argument about the same things I blurted out that he was going to die a very lonely very rich man Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 11:54

@AhNowTed - This is what has triggered this for me recently. He may pay for most other things but he doesn't pay anywhere near enough 'Rent'! Then he throws it back in my face that I cant afford to pay for half of all our 'dates' and that he pays that as well...

Part of me thinks... it is a lack of understanding as he has always had his ow property never lived with a woman, only one of his friends have kids so he doesn't really get it... or is that how hes always going to be.... Im not sure right now if its worth staying and finding out

OP posts:
GenuineQuestions · 09/11/2019 11:56

Map, would also be red flag to me.

He sounds very mean. Let's say your proud, doing your best, paying bills and debts. You don't want to bleed him dry of money. He lives with you and gives you 300 rent.

Wouldn't anyone else who truly loved their partner insisted, insisted on giving more?

Instantly making you more comfortable...

He's saving all the money frome his house and has great wage whilst living dirt cheap with you???! And won't even pay all the map???

No, no, no, no... True love would be more generous.

Powerbunting · 09/11/2019 11:57

Does he live with you?

I'm confused as to whether he is maintaining his own home but has lodgers, and is starting with you a lot of the time (sufficient to need to pay his way with food, water, council tax etc) or if he has rented out his whole house and is now living with you.

If you are a true partnership living together as if married you need to work out if this is how you want your forseeable future to be. You need to have an adult discussion about your income and out goings and what you can afford vs the lifestyle he (you?) wants to lead.

I think it perfectly reasonable to pay for things 50:50 if you are not actually a committed couple yet (I'd actually not include things like emergency contraception in that, as it just feels wrong. Whoever can afford it should pay). If he wants to go out but you can't afford it then you say so. And don't go. Don't get into more debt here. But he can't then throw it back at you if he chooses to treat you, or if you don't go.

HollowTalk · 09/11/2019 11:58

Hang on, he pays you £300 per month for everything? And he rents out his own place so that all his bills are paid?

Did you lose out on tax credits when he moved in?

You are being taken for a ride by this man, OP. You are a meal ticket to him. And he has the nerve to argue about paying for the morning after pill! He's a disgrace.

Winterdaysarehere · 09/11/2019 12:00

I hope the MAP worked op...
Imagine begging him to support his own dc..

Pitterpatterpettysteps · 09/11/2019 12:02

Dump him!

cacklingmags · 09/11/2019 12:02

He is a tight arsed knob and this will not change if you have a child together - you will just get a lot poorer. £300 is just disrespectful and him moaning about money deeply unattractive. MAP - tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 12:03

@Powerbunting He lives here, although his room is still free at his old house, all his washing is done here, showers food sleeps every night etc. And he has space in our room to keep his stuff (obviously)

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 09/11/2019 12:05

Agree with PPs. The tight fucker is taking advantage of you massively-rent, bills, council tax, food, is way more than £300 if split fairly. You are giving him an easy ride.
I can only guess how much you have lost in terms of tax credits/UC with him moving in.

breakfastpizza · 09/11/2019 12:07

YABU to stay with someone who respects you so little.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/11/2019 12:07

I'm a bit confused - do you live together or separately?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/11/2019 12:07

Cross post.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/11/2019 12:07

Do not have a child with this man. Moaning about paying half for the MAP. Geez. What a prick! I suppose you could have said '18 years of child maintenance is way more.'

Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 12:07

We've also spoke of moving into his next year, as his mortgage is cheaper than my rent (I don't want to give up rented home yet as its the children's security) But he said when we move into his he will be losing money as his lodgers will have to move out and seemed unhappy about that.
I said to him.... well don't have us move in if the money from lodgers is that important to you!

Sorry all this has now got me full on ranting!! Its past lunch time right? Wine Wine

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 09/11/2019 12:08

300 a .month? Is this for everything? Did you lose tax credits? Do you receive child maintenance?

It sounds wrong... He sounds resentful and mean and ungrateful. Do you want to try and redress the balance.? Is He worth it?

AhNowTed · 09/11/2019 12:08

All that for £9.86.

Where do I sign?!!

Honestly that is just disgraceful. You're being taken for a ride big time.

Twice that amount is still cheap and I'd bite your bloody hand off.