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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Different Money Views

54 replies

LDreads · 09/11/2019 11:22

AIBU?

I have 3 children, OH has none. I earn an okay salary but he earns at least 2.5 times what I do. He owns a house, but rents rooms which cover his mortgage and bills.
Money is always tight with me, my 2 smalls are still in full time childcare, and I have a lot of debt to pay off from my previous bad relationship, I'm often skint but all the bills are getting paid. He does pay for a lot and at first it was okay, but he throws it back in my face a lot now. He pays me £300pm in 'rent' which is meant to cover everything including all his food ( I do all the shopping) but he will often buy food etc.
Latest money argument: We had accident and I had to buy the morning after pill - I Asked him if he would pay for it as I've had to do some car repairs this month so am extra tight (he knows this) - he quibbled and said we should go halfs. I was so upset because I explained to him that half that money (£17.50) is the difference of me going out one time with friends that month or not. Where as to him its nothing (He has ££££ of disposable income a month)
This is a recurrent argument in our relationship - I feel i'm giving everything I can, and suggest we live a lifestyle more akin to what I can afford, but then he wants to go out all the time and will pay but throws it back at me and its quite obvious he is resentful of that dynamic.
When i say that we obviously have diff attitudes to money (i'm very generous, if I've got it you can have it kind of way) he says its not fair and regardless of what each person earns everything should be 50/50 until we have children together (I don't agree, in a relationship no matter ow much either party earns as long as each person is giving their all mostly that's all that matters to me) . But I just feel our attitudes to money are so different its going to spell out big problems in our future. He's gone away this weekend and I'm happy to be alone... but that's not right. AIBU?

OP posts:
plantainchips · 09/11/2019 12:09

Don’t agree with most of the comments so far.

Honestly, this relationship from the get go was never going to work.

You have 3 kids and aren’t financially stable.

He has no children and seems relatively fiancially stable.

It was always going to be a case of him subsiding you and your kids or feeling like he was.

The MAP thing was awful.

He’s telling you that he isn’t happy with how your splitting the cost of things.

It’s nice when couples with varying financial background can come together and make it work but it’s really not very common. He isn’t unreasonable to not want to essentially subside a entire family that isn’t his.

Sorry, OP.

How long have you been together ?

Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 12:10

@Lifeisabeach09 I never really had much from them anyhow due to salary and fathers contributions, but the idea was that he would replace that and then a little more... I now realise I had blindly agreed to that and shouldn't of! ...

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 09/11/2019 12:11

Shock so he's openly profiting from cheap b and b at your place?!

Talia99 · 09/11/2019 12:11

That is way too low for rent and keep. I rented a room Monday to Friday only for work (food not included) a few years ago and paid more than that (although I accept I wasn’t sharing a room with the landlady).

If you weren’t at the stage of being glad when he’s not there, I’d say you might try and work it out (although I don’t think it would be likely to work - mean people seldom change) but as it is, I think this relationship has run its course

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/11/2019 12:12

I see a future in this relationship and it's financially abusive. Imagine what he'd be like if you get pregnant and become financially dependent on him for a while. He'd moan about helping pay for your children. Miserable sod.

Do not move into his house.

Original poster
LDreads · 09/11/2019 12:14

@plantainchips I realise this and from the very beginning of the relationship I was hesitant for these reasons, I was very upfront and kept saying to him that it would be like this and he would end up subsidising because I didn't think it fair for us to fall in love then him realise all the hard stuff that comes with having 3 children. He just said none of it mattered.. but I guess he's realising at actually does to him. Were only a year in so i guess its not a good sign

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 09/11/2019 12:19

@plantainchips how you think he's subsidising her I don't know.

He's living rent, food, insurance, light, heat, tv, broadband, water, council tax etc etc for a poxy £9.86 a day.

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 12:21

If he's living with you, he needs to be paying for half the household costs. Not things like clothes for the kids, but half the council tax, utility bills, mortgage/rent payment etc. And then you need to be realistic with each other about how much you can spend on fun stuff together. If he wants you to do things you can't afford, he needs to pay. If it's things you've both agreed are in your budget, you split. Occasionally, treat him to something too, even if it's not something expensive.

Longer term, you need to decide whether he's effectively a FWB, or whether you want to be a family, in which case, you both need to be working together financially, as well as in other respects. That will definitely entail him contributing more money, because in a family, you don't have one person keeping a lot more cash and leading a more expensive lifestyle, while the others have to scrabble around to find their share of the bills.

AhNowTed · 09/11/2019 12:21

He's not even paying for himself never mind subsidising her. Ffs

LEELULUMPKIN · 09/11/2019 12:21

First ever time I have posted this but there you have a grade A cock lodger OP.

His tightness re: the MAP is shocking.

Run for the bloody hills!

HollowTalk · 09/11/2019 12:25

Do tax credits take into account the father's contributions? I thought it was just based on your salary.

This guy isn't for you, OP. Surely you'd be better off financially without him?

GabriellaMontez · 09/11/2019 12:26

Maybe time to sit down and have a frank annual review with him. Discuss expectations. What hasn't worked out as you'd hoped.

Ask him if he's better off since he moved in with you. Work out if you are. Or just end it.

SunshineAngel · 09/11/2019 12:28

Why did you have to pay for the MAP? I've got it twice (only taken it once though, I slept with someone I shouldn't have, but then he text before I'd taken it saying he'd had the snip and he was sorry for not telling me that to put my mind at rest earlier) from my local pharmacy, and they've said no charge both times.

Dontdisturbmenow · 09/11/2019 12:31

He is doing exactly what mnets advise every single mum to do when they start a relationship with a men with kids who is as a result in not so good financial position.

There is no right or wrong, you have different views. It's normal to believe that good men/women share their money in a relationship when they are the ones to benefit. It is never as right when it is the other way around.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 09/11/2019 12:35

On the rent I don't agree either that he's he's getting some sort of easy ride here. I would guess that between the two of you the £300 is approximately financially neutral. He's certainly no better off by it if he's keeping his old room (maybe he's paying less in bills there now, but not £300). You're not much better off by it because your bills have gone up and perhaps tax credits down. You say he buys food as well - I'd guess overall you're a bit better off by it than he is.

It seems like a good way of trying out living together without anyone making a big financial commitment. Frankly it sounds like it's not working!

Powerbunting · 09/11/2019 12:35

Well if he is living with you and wants top split things 50:50 then he needs to split things 50:50. Housing, heat, water etc. ....

Oh wait. He doesn't want to split things 50:50 afterall? Then he moves out.

You are only a year in. This isn't worth it if you feel glad that he's out

EssentialHummus · 09/11/2019 12:36

Sorry OP, there are some bad signs here. The MAP thing in particular... I'd give that money over to a near-stranger if I had it, I can't imagine quibbling with my partner. No no no.

GabriellaMontez · 09/11/2019 12:36

Hes not a single parent though dontdisturb.

And I've never seen mumsnet àdvise women to try and make money out of their new partner anyway. Maintain independence from yes. But not profit.

JuneSpoon · 09/11/2019 12:38

Why are you with him?

Sparklfairy · 09/11/2019 12:43

Seems his mantra is 'whats yours is mine and what's mine is my own'!

merryhouse · 09/11/2019 12:44

Pack up his stuff. When he arrives tell him you're bored of his moaning and he needs to go back to his own house.

Don't let him make it about money. "No, you're a moany person and I don't enjoy having you here."

(Return any "rent" he may have paid in advance.)

BarbedBloom · 09/11/2019 12:44

I can't see this working. I have had a friend in a similar situation, with vastly different incomes and circumstances and eventually it just didn't work. I on one hand can understand if he doesn't want to pay for your children, but on the other hand, if he moves in then he has to make a fair contribution to his own costs and 300 seems low for that. My council tax alone is £122 a month, water £45 and so on. I can just see the resentment growing on both sides really.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/11/2019 12:45

@LDreads, depending on your income and rent, you may be eligible for UC but not with tightarse living with you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/11/2019 12:55

I agree with him in that 50/50 is the best way pre marriage. The guy's living in her house! So either he pays a fair rent as a lodger, or they work as a partnership, in which case the fair ways are 1) both pay in proportion to their incomes 2) pool everything, and both have the same access to personal income.

Children from a different partnership complicates things, but would you really want to move in with a mother of small children under the premise "she and I are a family, but her two children aren't part of that family"?

Techway · 09/11/2019 12:55

One year in and you are living together and regularly arguing about money...way too soon.

Did you rush this relationship? Ignore his words about commitment as much too soon.

To be fair very few people would want to take on the financial burden of 3 children o early on but given he contributes so little he isn't been fair to you. There is no way £300 could cover full time living & housing costs.

He isn't being very kind to you and given this is honeymoon stages it will only get much worse.
Ask him to move out and date as I think that would work better. Don't move your children until you know him at least 2 years and you are on the same page with regard to finances & parenting

Why would you even consider moving when you are not in agreement over major issues like finances.