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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not want to buy a memorial ornamental flowerpot for MIL

99 replies

weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 10:49

MIL is alive and pretty healthy for a 75 year old and has asked us to buy an ornamental flowerpot for the garden to remember her when she is dead. I would rather choose how I want to remember people and don't want the guilt of something ever happening to Granny's memorial flowerpot. I have told dh I do not want to be involved in this purchase and to choose what he wants and he thinks I am being ungrateful and unreasonable. I would appreciate others' opinions on this......

OP posts:
BykerBykerWooooo · 09/11/2019 10:51

It’s plain weird to be choosing a memorial flowerpot for someone who is alive and healthy.
Apart from that YaBU because your dh should do whatever he feels best to remember his mum, and you should support him.

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/11/2019 10:53

If she was dead I would go along with this but why would you want a memorial for someone who is alive??

Spartak · 09/11/2019 10:54

It's your husband's mother, not yours. How would you feel if he refused to do something that was important to your side of the family because he just didn't fancy it?

TulipCat · 09/11/2019 10:59

It's a flower pot, not a massive statue or some gaudy piece of furniture. Just get it and stop being so precious!

Original poster
weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 11:00

He can choose whatever he wants so is it refusing? I just don't feel comfortable with having so much personal emotional importance being placed on an object - that is just not 'me' but dh can go along with it if he wants to. If he chooses something, that will be his way of remembering her but I carry things more in my heart and struggle to attach emotions to objects.

OP posts:
onthecoins · 09/11/2019 11:02

Leave it to DH. Let him do what he wants and don't get involved.

Confusedbeetle · 09/11/2019 11:02

It makes no odds to you because it will not be meaningful to you which is fine. Let others do what works for them

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 09/11/2019 11:04

I have told dh I do not want to be involved in this purchase and to choose what he wants and he thinks I am being ungrateful and unreasonable

YANBU. You aren't stopping him from buying a plant pot to remember his still-living mother (there's no part of that sentence that isn't batshit insane, BTW) so I don't know why he needs you to come along and hold his hand?

Just a wild stab in the dark - does he insist on you dealing with all the emotional aspects of his life?

Original poster
weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 11:08

....fine words for a porcupine...No, but is very touchy about his family and has never really accepted that I don' t love them the way he does.Weird, I know but that's the way it is

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 09/11/2019 11:11

I'd leave him too it. I can understand a memorial plant but a plant pot? How will he cope when it breaks?

NWQM · 09/11/2019 11:11

Unless there is a huge back story with the MIL do you really need to make an issue of it? Your MiL is potentially struggling with the fact that friends are passing away etc. Can't you just reassure her that you will do your level best to fulfil her wishes when she does die?
Is this a roundabout way of her asking for help with her will?
Is she really telling you what she doesn't want ie something potentially neglected in a graveyard?
Isn't she really asking - will you remember me?
I'd just say something vague and change the subject.
You don't have to remember her any particular way at all but sounds as if she and your husband are talking about something difficult. Not sure it's great that you are making it clear that he's in his own with it.

Toporama · 09/11/2019 11:11

MIL is a complete weirdo (and I suspect narcissist) who is already trying to control your family's thoughts and feelings from beyond the grave...

via a flowerpot...

while she is still alive...

No, you are not being unreasonable to decline to join in this insanity.

Winterdaysarehere · 09/11/2019 11:12

Suggest it's a bad omen to buy it now!!
Or a hopeful one depending how much you like her!

TartanMarbled · 09/11/2019 11:13

Wow. Just be kind to your MIL. You sound absolutely horrible.

NoSauce · 09/11/2019 11:14

Seems a bit petty to not just go along with it. What harm can it do? MIL won’t be here to witness the fact you don’t give a fuck about her flowerpot.

flowery · 09/11/2019 11:15

Why does he think you’re being ungrateful? Ungrateful for what?

FizzyGreenWater · 09/11/2019 11:16

don't want the guilt of something ever happening to Granny's memorial flowerpot

Well choose not to have the guilt then!

Let your H do the flowerpot, be nice and breezy about it 'Oh that's a lovely idea, you can make it your garden 'thing' to look after when that sad sad day comes'

Then way in future when the flowerpot goes west in a high wind:

'Oh that's sad DH, you'll have to get another one straight away'.

End of!

custardlover · 09/11/2019 11:16

What a mountain out of a molehill. Respectfully, this is a non-issue. Save your energy for a real problem.

theemmadilemma · 09/11/2019 11:20

Don't they go on graves though? Is she just expecting you to hold onto it until she dies? Or keep it in the garden/house and put flowers in it regularly? Weird as fuck.

BillHadersNewWife · 09/11/2019 11:23

My Grandmother started talking about her funeral arrangements out of the blue and within a month she was dead. She'd been healthy till then.

53rdWay · 09/11/2019 11:23

Does she want you to get the flowerpot now, or to promise to get the flowerpot after she's died?

FourQuarters · 09/11/2019 11:25

Hang on, if she’s alive and well, why doesn’t she buy her own ornamental flowerpot?

Original poster
weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 11:25

We should get it now and she will give us the money. I have no intention of telling her I will leave it to dh to choose and it will be meaningless to me.
That is a conversation I had only with him

OP posts:
egontoste · 09/11/2019 11:31

It will make an old lady happy, what's the harm?

53rdWay · 09/11/2019 11:32

Like one of those flowerpots that go on graves with the deceased's name on them? That is weird, and I say this as someone whose (perfectly healthy) DM has been talking us though her own funeral arrangements for about ten years now.