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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....to not want to buy a memorial ornamental flowerpot for MIL

99 replies

weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 10:49

MIL is alive and pretty healthy for a 75 year old and has asked us to buy an ornamental flowerpot for the garden to remember her when she is dead. I would rather choose how I want to remember people and don't want the guilt of something ever happening to Granny's memorial flowerpot. I have told dh I do not want to be involved in this purchase and to choose what he wants and he thinks I am being ungrateful and unreasonable. I would appreciate others' opinions on this......

OP posts:

hazell42 · 09/11/2019 14:14

Tell her you will do it when the time comes
Then don't
Unless your husband wants to.
In which case suck it up

1forAll74 · 09/11/2019 14:18

I would leave this decision to your Husband , and of course your MIL. Everyone has their own thoughts on this matter, and mine would be just the same as yours.

HeddaGarbled · 09/11/2019 14:21

An AIBU where every person involved is being unreasonable!

KurriKurri · 09/11/2019 14:33

I don;t understand where this flowerpot is to go (sorry if I missed this somewhere) is it to be saved for a cemetary when the time comes or are you to have it in your garden? Not that it really matters - I'm just interested in the logistics of this madness

But honestly some people set huge store by memorial stones, visiting graves, etc etc - I'm not one of them but some people are - I would just humour her but let your DH do the choosing. I think some people deal with the invitability of death (especially when they are getting closer to it) by organising all the paraphinalia associated. She' may well also have planned her own funerl - whih will be an absolute boon for you not to have to whenthe time comes (uless she's chosen something crazy obv.)

I'd go with the idea that it is something that brings her comfort and peace of mind. it isn;t your way, but it doesn;t mean it is wrong - there aren't really any rights or wrongs here. Go with the flow and buy the pot and it eother gets stored at her house or put in the loft until needed.

SpamChaudFroid · 09/11/2019 14:34

It's not that much of an extreme thing to go along with is it? It's not as if she's asking the family to get matching memorial face tattoos. Now that would be unreasonable.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/11/2019 14:38

It is a bit of a strange request.

If she is thinking of her demise I assume she has got all her affairs and funeral arrangements sorted, as that would be much more useful than the fact you have a flowerpot to remember her by.

Collaborate · 09/11/2019 15:02

Haven't RTFT, but my contribution....

Sounds weird. Perhaps mention to her that you can't store it for too long so if you're going to need it soon you'll get one.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/11/2019 15:18

It's not as if she's asking the family to get matching memorial face tattoos

Now that would show true respect and proper mourning.

53rdWay · 09/11/2019 15:25

Does depend a lot on what she means by 'memorial flowerpot' I suppose. It would be a bit bleak to have this staring you in the face every time you went to peg the washing out.

....to not want to buy a memorial ornamental flowerpot for MIL

LocalHobo · 09/11/2019 15:30

I would imagine this scenario;
MIL “I’d like to buy you and weirdcolleagues a garden tub”
DH “Oh. What gave you that idea?”
MIL “Just thought it was nice, you can choose it of course. I’ll give you the money”
Translated by the ears of a DIL “ Buy a memorial flowerpot in my honour”

LellyMcKelly · 09/11/2019 15:43

Go to B&Q, pick a plant pot you like, come home. Job done. Everyone’s happy.

bellinisurge · 09/11/2019 15:45

If my MIL came up with this (she can be a bit "wooo" for a practical person so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility) I would say "Mm. whatever you say" and leave it to my dh. If my dh was fed the "bellinsurge thinks it's a good idea" from mil I would take him to one side and say " it's between you and mil to discuss, you know me well enough to know it's not my thing but if it's yours, I'll support you. And if it isn't, let's just play along with her".
I lost my own mum a couple of years ago. I don't do it that way and neither did she.

75 is no age unless she is poorly, btw.

nokidshere · 09/11/2019 16:18

Just like the disgusting little jug the MIL bought us which Himself insisted on getting out every time I went to make gravy. That would be the same disgusting little jug that had a "nasty accident' recently when it slipped out of my wet hands when I was washing up.

Much as I dislike some of the stuff my DH hangs on to, its his stuff. I might find a less conspicuous spot in the house for it but breaking it on purpose when it's something he clearly treasures is really nasty.

Perhaps she wants to buy a nice gift, wants you to choose so you get something you like, and thinks that'll be nice, because you'll remember her when you see it full of flowers. I don't see anything sinister in this at all!

Exactly what I think. MIL used to say 'so you can remember me when I'm gone' when giving things. I think maybe the older you get the more mortality is in your mind.

EggysMom · 09/11/2019 16:45

Option 1 - you choose and buy a large flower pot, that you find aesthetically pleasing, that suits your garden, that your DH can look at and remember his mother;

Option 2 - you leave DH to choose and buy a large flower pot, that suits his taste (you love him and so don't find his choices objectionable), that he can use to remember his mother;

Option 3 - you ignore the idea, and find your MIL has given you a gift of a large flower pot that suits her taste and that you find absolutely horrible, but that you have to put into the garden because of DH

Me, I'd go with option 1.

NormaBean · 09/11/2019 17:41

What

It’s a fucking plant pot. She’s not asking for much.

God almighty. I hope she haunts you.

NoSauce · 09/11/2019 18:41

Her wish to have a memorial flowerpot in your garden is a very macabre idea . And I think she is being a bit of a diva to boot

I’d suggest that you co -operate fully making as little fuss as possible . Then one frosty day dust off your own lump hammer

What a nasty little person you are.

LovePoppy · 09/11/2019 20:44

It’s a fucking plant pot. She’s not asking for much. God almighty. I hope she haunts you

For some people it’s a pot

For others it’s never ending obligation. It really depends on if MIL has form for attaching strings to gifts

NoSauce · 09/11/2019 20:51

Oh give over. Nobody but the person who cares about the MIL ( her son ) need bother about a plant pot in the garden.

Never ending obligation my arse!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2019 20:53

An AIBU where every person involved is being unreasonable!

This. MIL is weird asking. OP is weird not just going along with it because it's harmless. DH is weird because of his strange family expectations.

smsd33 · 09/11/2019 21:04

It is a strange request in my opinion but I would so much rather be involved in the buying of the pot so that it is to my liking if I have to have it as part of my garden. Doesn't really have to be a big deal and is probably the husband's way of asking for support

LovePoppy · 09/11/2019 21:17

@NoSauce you obviously missed the part where OP said she’d be stressed about the pot and if it broke?
How is that not obligation when it will always occupy a small corner of her mind? Or guilt if it broke?

I wouldn’t want this from my own mother

NoSauce · 09/11/2019 21:21

I just don't feel comfortable with having so much personal emotional importance being placed on an object - that is just not 'me' but dh can go along with it if he wants to

....fine words for a porcupine...No, but is very touchy about his family and has never really accepted that I don' t love them the way he does.Weird, I know but that's the way it is

And you’ve obviously missed those posts.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/11/2019 22:09

Do you know what your H means when he complains that you don't love his family as much as he does? Is it simply a matter of you not doing enough wifework (ie choosing, buying and wrapping all their Christmas presents 'from both of you' and remembering their birthdays because that's your job - as well as doing the same for your own family?

LovePoppy · 10/11/2019 03:44

No, I didn’t

We obviously see family obligations very differently

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