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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

....to not want to buy a memorial ornamental flowerpot for MIL

99 replies

weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 10:49

MIL is alive and pretty healthy for a 75 year old and has asked us to buy an ornamental flowerpot for the garden to remember her when she is dead. I would rather choose how I want to remember people and don't want the guilt of something ever happening to Granny's memorial flowerpot. I have told dh I do not want to be involved in this purchase and to choose what he wants and he thinks I am being ungrateful and unreasonable. I would appreciate others' opinions on this......

OP posts:

AnotherNightWatering · 09/11/2019 11:33

Perhaps she wants to buy a nice gift, wants you to choose so you get something you like, and thinks that'll be nice, because you'll remember her when you see it full of flowers. I don't see anything sinister in this at all!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/11/2019 11:34

Yeah, I'd leave that one to him. After all, he's the best person to choose a fitting memorial to his beloved mother, right?
How big is it supposed to be? Are we talking about a small planter which will hold a few pansies, or a massive thing to house Granny's tree Of Mourning?

merryhouse · 09/11/2019 11:34

Suggest that she helps you both choose, because that way you will actually remember doing something with her when you look at it. Have a nice afternoon out in the garden centre and sit in the cafe afterwards. Maybe buy some Christmas decorations at the same time.

You can just hang round saying "what about this one?" occasionally. Give your support by being the practical one while they deal with emotionally-loaded choice.

(And no, you won't need to feel guilty if it breaks. Unless you've chosen to put it somewhere silly. Is your garden prone to getting things broken?)

Original poster

weirdcolleagues · 09/11/2019 11:36

She won't know I'm not involved, dh gets to buy what he wants, I will get to grieve how I want. Isn't it a win-win situation? Still don't get why that makes me unreasonable or a horrible person but thanks for the opinions

OP posts:

MyMajesty · 09/11/2019 11:38

Isn't she really asking - will you remember me?
I'd just say something vague and change the subject.

That'll be reassuring for her, not.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/11/2019 11:42

Just let your DH buy it. Not your mum not your business. If you hate her, every time you put flowers in it you can think she'll be dead soon. What's the problem?

enjoyingscience · 09/11/2019 11:43

That’s such an odd thing to do. The flower pot could be 25 years old by the time she passes!

Chamomileteaplease · 09/11/2019 11:43

I am fascinated by you saying that your dh struggles to understand why you don't love his family as much as he does. Is that right? How does he express this and argue his point?

maggiecate · 09/11/2019 11:47

Presumably she means something a bit more robust like a stone planter or similar? I’m a bit similar to you re objects to remember people by, but I mean it’s not the worst - she’s not asking you to have her taken to a taxidermist and displayed on the mantelpiece. If you don’t want to be involved fine, but if you are it means you can veto something that would be more suitable for Chatsworth House.

Maybiteifstartled · 09/11/2019 11:49

Appear to have a "change of heart" and go along with it all, smiling as you do . . .

It may then arouse little suspicion if, in a few months, the pot has a nasty accident. Ornamental stuff gets broken in gardens all the time.

Just like the disgusting little jug the MIL bought us which Himself insisted on getting out every time I went to make gravy. That would be the same disgusting little jug that had a "nasty accident' recently when it slipped out of my wet hands when I was washing up.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/11/2019 11:51

I do think your DH is the weird one here wanting you to be so involved. Maybe he's struggling with the thought of his mum dieing and wants support. These times are when you need a sibling or other family member from his side rather than risking a spouse making a choice of the 'fuck it, it's nice enough, that'll do' variety.

My DM died last year and while DH was very supportive, it really wasn't his circus and my siblings and I sorted everything.

middlemuddle · 09/11/2019 11:54

This is all kinds of weird, I'd be having no part in it.

TSSDNCOP · 09/11/2019 11:56

There are an uncommon number of tragic accidents regarding items purchased by my in-laws chez TSS. It’s a puzzle.

I recommend a run away mower in this particular case.

Chunkers · 09/11/2019 12:01

Could you suggest buying a star in her name instead? That way, all her relatives can look up at it any time and it will never get broken.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/11/2019 12:01

There's something here you're not telling us, because at surface level it sounds as though you are being unnecessariy nasty about this. Do you and your MIL have a history of annoying one another; is she a meddling old bitch who thinks you're not good enough for her darling boy; are you one of those who think that you and your DC are your H's 'family' and his parents irrelevant?

Why would you find it so difficult to say 'Thanks MIL, that's nice' and pop to the garden centre with your H and buy a plant pot?
Is it a matter of you thinking that whatever plant pot is chosen, MIL will piss and moan that it's not to her taste, or that you didn't spend enough money on it? Is that the issue? If it is, I can see your point a bit more.

Maybiteifstartled · 09/11/2019 12:03

@TSSDNCOP {{Snorting coffee down my nose}}

Thanks m'dear, best laugh I have had all morning. Cannot begin to list all the MIL-related items which have suffered an early demise

SamBeckett · 09/11/2019 12:04

I wonder if your MIL has had a heath scare that she has not told you about or a friend has died / been ill and it has made her think of her own mortality .

It does seem a little odd to me to buy something to remember her by , it would be different ( I think ) If she gave you something that she treasured , be that a planter / jewellery / favourite picture , poem , book etc.
I have several things that were given to me by a loved one to remember them by but to me they carry the memories of the person that gave them to me .
A new item would not have this ingrained memory.

However I would do as pp said and all three of you go to a garden centre and pick one but let DH and MIL do the actual picking . perhaps with a gentle conversation with DH before hand on size / colour and what type ( outdoor planter / indoor vase type )

theboxfamilytree · 09/11/2019 12:07

Why ungrateful? What are you supposed to be grateful for in this scenario?

Bluerussian · 09/11/2019 12:16

I get that she doesn't want it now but wants you to buy an ornamental potted garden plant in her memory when she is no longer with us.

She probably is saying she doesn't want a lot of fuss, a big funeral with loads of flowers, but a simple one that won't take too much of a chunk out of what she leaves. I think it is kindly meant.

I also think that, when she does die, you, your husband and children go to a garden centre and buy a sturdy outdoor plant in a pot, preferably one which can be transplanted into the garden at a later date, and look after it. If it dies, so what, plants die - trees die. Get another one.

CymaticPrincess88 · 09/11/2019 12:19

Can't you just say "You can't be memorialised before you die you mad old boot"

Drum2018 · 09/11/2019 12:22

Its beyond weird. She wants you to buy a memorial to her yet she's still very much alive? Tell her you will consider buying a memorial when she's dead. I have rose bushes planted in memory of my loved ones. But they were well and truly dead when I planted them. I wouldn't entertain this madness and your dh is nuts to be pandering to her ridiculous notions.

HiJenny35 · 09/11/2019 12:27

Really i don't think it's that weird. People often pass on jewellery, keepsakes, photos, childhood toys, money long before death to make sure that they get passed to who they want. Best way in my opinion as it stops any arguments after the event. She doesn't have a pot and would like to pass one on to you so rather than picking one she likes and gifting it she's asked you to pick it. Not really a big deal is it. Your oh sees it as important and if you think it's daft or not I'm not sure why you need to make it into a big deal and can't just go along with it. Reguardless now you will definitely think of her when you see the pot!

Nannewnannew · 09/11/2019 12:28

Don’t forget that you will all hopefully be old and ‘mad old boots’ one day and I hope the younger generation are more understanding and empathetic than some of you.

CymaticPrincess88 · 09/11/2019 12:31

Yes I will be old, and won't be making batshit requests like this.

Stop using age as an excuse to be a dick.

MumW · 09/11/2019 12:32

Just tell your DH that you don't need objects to remember people after they've died as you carry them in your heart forever. And if they aren't in your heart the you don't need to be reminded about them.

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