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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...for being miffed by husbands ex wife still refers to him as her spouse.

62 replies

nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 02:23

...after 20 years!! come on woman. We have been married for 15 years, they have been divorced for 20 years, they were only married for 6! She is still single. I just find it creepy, a bit sad and pathetic. I always hoped she would move on, but nope. She calls her ex in-laws her in-laws too, one of my dh parents she never met as he died before they were together! Please tell me I'm not alone , or that yes, I do have a point to be creeped out by this woman.

OP posts:
Mrwoofington · 09/11/2019 02:26

Do they have children
Why is she still in your life regularly
Any children would be 20+?

Mrwoofington · 09/11/2019 02:27

But it is weird. I'd be irritated just not sure why it's SO irritating since communication is likely minimal?

FridalovesDiego · 09/11/2019 02:27

Do they have children? Yes it is weird, but why does it bother you?

OneTwoThreeDoeRayMe · 09/11/2019 02:31

Do you not just feel really sorry for her?

This sounds bad, but someone like that just couldn't ever feel like a 'threat' to me.

Having said that, no-one has ever really felt like a threat to me, so perhaps I'm not best placed to comment.

In any case, she sounds rather pitiful.

Original poster
nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 02:40

It bothers me as her behaviour for the last 20 years has been generally disturbing, too much to type, I could write a book! She had an unhealthy obsession with my husband for years before they got together, stalker basically. (what was he bloody thinking!)
At the beginning of our relationship it was harassment and death threats. He has a daughter, she is in her 20's now.
It's been a challenge to say the least Wink I suppose I am just forever hopeful she will give up one day, it just gets to me now and again, just wanted to know if it was just me that thought it was weird Grin

OP posts:
YouWhoNeverArrived · 09/11/2019 03:25

My husband's ex does this. I feel desperately sorry for her, and not threatened in the slightest.

Laugh it off. The most magnanimous response is pity, if you can manage it.

sunshinekids · 09/11/2019 04:01

In what situations does she call him her spouse?

ShippingNews · 09/11/2019 04:08

My husband's ex is like this. Divorced for 15 years but she still rings him whenever she has a problem around the house , or a personal decision that she has to make. Still wears her rings, has pictures of them both , plastered all over the house.

It really doesn't bother me particularly - that's just the way she lives her life.

I don't know why it would bother you that your husband's ex still calls his family "her inlaws". They are still family to her, you can't expect her to ignore them. My husband's ex does this, she is friends with his sisters . I do it too - my ex's sisters are friends of mine, they are my kid's aunties , and I'm godmother to their children so we're family as far as I'm concerned.

Just rise above it - she isn't hurting you so be the bigger person and move on.

echt · 09/11/2019 04:42

So when does she say this?

Context is all.

Durgasarrow · 09/11/2019 04:42

weird

FridalovesDiego · 09/11/2019 04:58

So is the ex wife his daughter’s mother? Or was it a different woman?

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/11/2019 05:03

If she has a kid with him, even though the kid is now grown up, I can see why she might treat his parents like they were still her in-laws. In many ways I found having children made my relationship with my in-laws far stronger than it was when childless and also made it very separate from my relationship with DH. If I divorced I would probably keep up that relationship almost unchanged. Obviously it’s not like that for everyone, but I think a lot of mothers keep up good relationships with their children’s grandparents even if they divorce the child’s father.

But YANBU about the rest, though not sure “miffed” is the best response. As others say, it is weird and worth pitying her for a bit. (Plus, she’d probably hate being pitied more than causing you to be miffed!)

daisychain01 · 09/11/2019 05:03

How do you know what she says and how she feels, OP?

Please don't tell me you've seen it on Facebook, please don't! If so, just block, delete, and get on with your life. Distance yourself rather than waste emotional energy on another human being who should be nothing to do with you or your life.

ShippingNews · 09/11/2019 05:49

Distance yourself rather than waste emotional energy on another human being who should be nothing to do with you or your life

If you have kids with them you can't do that.

My husband and his ex were divorced 15 years ago, but their youngest son (23) is severely autistic, lives with his mum and always will. You can't always " distance yourself" when your kids and your ex come as a package.

daisychain01 · 09/11/2019 06:04

The daughter is is her 20's though!! I'd have said it's high time the OP unclenches and stops over-investing. It isn't constructive or contributing to her wellbeing to stay resentful and "miffed" for evermore.

Then again, I have increasingly subscribed to the "Field is barren of fucks" philosophy of life and it works so well for me, I like to 'share the love' and recommend it to others Grin

Thankful2020 · 09/11/2019 06:43

No harm in her referring to her ex husband’s family as her in- laws. As referring to your husband as her spouse how do you know that? Does she do this when filling in official documents etc? Not sure why this would bother you to be honest. How does it impact you? Do you think your husband still has feelings for her?

CAG12 · 09/11/2019 07:24

Is she harming you at all by doing this? If not id feel a bit sad for her, but ultimately move on

UhareFouxisci · 09/11/2019 08:37

Is she religious? I know a bloke who never remarried after divorce and still considers himself married in a spiritual sense because he believes marriage is unbreakable. He doesn't do the creepy stalker thing though - his ex-wife is entirely free to live her own life but he would consider himself to be committing adultery if he did anything other than living celibate.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 09/11/2019 09:11

She had an unhealthy obsession with my husband for years before they got together, stalker basically. (what was he bloody thinking!

Really though! You dh said this she was basically stalking him and he responded by marrying her and you believed that?!

longwayoff · 09/11/2019 09:29

OP stand back. Leave her alone. If anyone's over-invested here, it's you.

bluebeck · 09/11/2019 10:03

I don't really understand this. Can you be more specific? In what situations is she saying she is his spouse?

Do you mean she still refers to herself as Mrs DHSurname? Many women do this for a wide variety of reasons.

It's also quite normal to stay in contact with ILS if you got on well and have DC.

How do you know she makes these references?

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/11/2019 10:27

Is she religious?

Likethebattle · 09/11/2019 10:34

We need context re her claiming to be his spouse.

ChilledBee · 09/11/2019 10:37

Have you tried working on your insecurity and low self worth?

Namechangeoflife · 09/11/2019 10:39

Really though! You dh said this she was basically stalking him and he responded by marrying her and you believed that?!
This made me laugh, very true.
Death threats? Really. What did the police say ?