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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...for being miffed by husbands ex wife still refers to him as her spouse.

62 replies

nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 02:23

...after 20 years!! come on woman. We have been married for 15 years, they have been divorced for 20 years, they were only married for 6! She is still single. I just find it creepy, a bit sad and pathetic. I always hoped she would move on, but nope. She calls her ex in-laws her in-laws too, one of my dh parents she never met as he died before they were together! Please tell me I'm not alone , or that yes, I do have a point to be creeped out by this woman.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 10:47

I think it’s okay to still call them her I. Laws, particularly as hey are her daughters grandparents.

She is factually inaccurate to refer to your husband as her husband. And yes it’s a bit sad. But embarrassing for her when people realise he isn’t, and surely rally has no impact on you?

I know it’s a bit annoying, but may just best to ignore.

Original poster

nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 13:18

huge regrets about posting this. Without going into massive personal detail, it will be hard to give context in why my husband married her, I know why, and thats not for mumsnet. Yes I do believe him, Glad some posters found that amusing. I have not got low self worth, but if people think they know better, go ahead. Thanks for taking the time to reply anyway.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 13:56

OP it is an unusual situation. She is clearly a lady who has some mental issues, and your husband knew that when her married her.

As others have said, their daughter is an adult, why are your paths crossImg so frequently?

PooWillyBumBum · 09/11/2019 13:57

I am happily married and occasionally refer to my ex partner’s parents as in laws because “daughter’s grandparents” frankly sounds odd. He is remarried and his wife and I get on well. Presumably because she’s secure in her relationship and doesn’t think that I’m desperate to run off with someone I split from over a decade ago.

hazell42 · 09/11/2019 14:28

How does she do this?
Lots of women keep their married name after divorce, because it is easier for the kids. My children's schools just could not get their heads around parents with different surnames than the kids and tied themselves in all sorts of knots about it.
Sometimes it is easier not to put people right about your divorce if they are relative strangers who you don't see often.
If I passed someone in the street I hadn't seen for years, and they said, Hey, How's Fuckwit?
I'd probably just say, Fine.
'Ex in laws' is a bit of a mouthful, tbh, and 'former in laws' sounds like she has disowned them. If she had a decent relationship with them, she could call refer to them as in laws for convenience.It is probably how I would refer to mine, in the remote possibility needed to.
You don't say she is calling your husband up on their anniversary, or sending flowers. She isn't stalking you and telling people you are the other woman, or anything strange.
She might just use a shorthand way of describing people who were once significant in her life.
So I can understand why she might do it. Why you would care, is another matter altogether
As an aside, I have been divorced 10 years, and a few people (Fuckwit included) have assumed that my 'not moving on' is because I still have feelings for him. NOTHING could be further from the truth. My marriage was abusive and traumatic and I never want to go through that again. I am very happy with my life, and, who knows, maybe she is too.
Having said that, I went back to my maiden name long before the divorce went through

Ffswhytho · 09/11/2019 14:40

Id be tempted to make a joke about it, start calling her your sister wife and see how that goes down.

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/11/2019 14:46

If you can't give any real info on it OP nobody here can comment. How do you know she does this? How often do you interact with this person and why do you at all? There is no need. If your DH still does, whilst thinking she is so very insane, with a daughter of 20 years of age, that's something he's chosen to do.

Why does tour DH not ask her to stop? He didn't have to have married her regardless of whatever version of events he's indicated that meant he was obligated to.

I'd ignore her or take it up with him if it's getting to you OP. Not sure what else to say but I probably would never have dated him at all with a situation like this ongoing that he won't extricate himself from, let alone marry him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2019 14:49

If you can't give any real info on it OP nobody here can comment.

It does make it tricky. What’s so secret OP?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/11/2019 15:24

So, your DH shagged this woman, knocked her and felt like he had to marry her?

Is that why you wont share it, because it doesnt put him in a good light?

She's obviously a bit weird since its been 20 years.

Original poster

nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 16:30

Thats not the case at all. I dont want to share any personal details about my husband. But I will say, no its not because he got her pregnant. He was a victim of abuse, (he was in a bad place in his life at the time, again, I dont wish to share that on an Internet forum) and she is predatory and manipulative. She preys on vulnerable men after bereavement also. We know she had a restraining order with one man she targeted. His family intervened when they could she what she was up to after his wife died! She was in there like a shot within weeks being "supportive", but his family could see what she was really after, so involved the police. So to everyone asking me why I starting dating my husband, because he is a good human who I adore. As for me having low self worth or questioning being too invested or should just ignore her, I would probably be accused on here of having too much self worth in other posts if I shared my opinions and ignoring people is tricky when they are a criminal and unhinged, you never know what they are going to do next. After this length of time putting up with it, I think I am allowed to be "miffed" at her ta very much.

OP posts:

vivacian · 09/11/2019 16:47

What makes you think she does all of the things you describe in your OP?

daisychain01 · 09/11/2019 16:53

There's a lot of family history and complexity in the situation (and, yes, it doesn't necessarily need to be discussed here, but it does explain the frustration you feel).

I sense your DH ought to be instilling boundaries around this, it was his ex, he should be managing the situation so you aren't impacted. It sounds like he's effectively stood there with his arms folded, doing not very much.

Can you and DH move areas, so you can become geographically separated from her direct/regular influence now his DD has grown up? It does sound oppressive and it isn't a joking matter, it does need some firm action so you and your DH can move on with your lives without her breathing down your necks and winding you up.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/11/2019 18:11

Massive drip feed there OP.

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 18:53

THis is getting very odd.

I still don’t understand how her saying she is your husbands wife is a Big problem????

emilybrontescorsett · 09/11/2019 19:01

It does sound very odd.
Can you ignore her?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 09/11/2019 19:01

So you're the 3rd wife? Are you sure theres no cross over between the two of you?

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/11/2019 19:09

You sound really insecure tbh.

No one can force a grown man to marry someone. He married her of his own free will. That may not suit your narrative, or his these days, but its true.

Perfectly fine to refer to their daughters grandparents as her in laws. They are family.

Original poster

nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 19:18

You might call it drip feed, I on the other hand think I gave as much information as I felt comfortable with until there were comments made that needed to be put straight. When I first posted, I didn't necessarily thought I would be faced with....

So, your DH shagged this woman, knocked her and felt like he had to marry her?

Is that why you wont share it, because it doesnt put him in a good light?

I wasn't "drip feeding" for any other reason apart from keeping private stuff as private as I felt comfortable.

Also, as to how I know she is doing this stuff?? I know her, I have seen her, heard her and witnessed her behaviour. I dont think I can miss some raging mad woman turning up outside my house being abusive, that stuff kinda sticks with you.
As for the lies and utter BS she says, she not only tells us direct, she tells others who are my friends, family and neighbours. She has left messages, written emails to people, so I have seen the things she says. Most is projection.

OP posts:

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 19:29

This sounds like a police matter then. I am sure her daughter is aware of the issues. She probably needs specialist help, have you reached out to support her daughter. I know she is an adult but managing an emotionally and mentally unstable parent can’t be easy - particularly if she is doing it alone.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/11/2019 19:32

I dont think I can miss some raging mad woman turning up outside my house being abusive, that stuff kinda sticks with you.

If this is the situation then being miffed at the fact she’s referring to your DH as though she were still married to him is probably a bit of an avoidance tactic on your part. It’s not the real issue is it? Not that it’s wrong, in that sort of situation to engaging in avoidance tactics - there is often a lot less that can realistically be done than we would like. But you can’t expect people on the Internet to understand psychically that the rather trivial issue you’ve posted about is actually just a distraction from a much bigger problem unless you mention that.

Original poster

nuggetmcnugget · 09/11/2019 19:32

why am I insecure? I really dont get how anyone can judge that I am the insecure one here!
He knows he made a mistake, boy doesn't he, but no one can judge and hold a crappy decision made for what ever reason 26 years ago as justification for another grown adult in their 50's STILL badgering us after all these years. I really give up with MN I think. She still has pictures of him on her mantlepiece and refers to him as her spouse, stalks Facebook to add ANY distant relative of his right down to his second cousins sons girlfriend ( yep thats right, a teenager who she has never met who lives 200 miles away).... but no...in MN world.. I'M the insecure one??? Jesus! Leaving this thread now. Sorry if I appeared to "drip feed" I will take my insecure, low self worth backside away from MN I think.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 09/11/2019 19:36

I will always describe my sister in law as that because she is very much in my life and that's our original relationship, same with my other in laws I suppose though I don't see them much unless it's a rare family function (I still get invited for now). As for pictures, my DD's don't want all trace of their father removed but I've reduced them.

OnlineShopping · 09/11/2019 19:41

I think describing him as her spouse is unusual as I would expect that to be who she is currently married to. However, I think in-laws is fine and especially so considering there is a child involved.

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2019 19:43

Strange OP knows or cares what pictures are on this lady’s mantle piece.

I suspect the obsession. Has started to go two ways. WHILE the ex’s behaviour is unreasonable, OP has become hyper sensitive to it.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/11/2019 19:46

Well, I think she sounds batshit. Batshit all around.

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