To ask you to judge our after school routine

[rosieposies]

DSS7 lives with us full time, we also have DD7months.

I feel like we've slipped into a really bad routine since the nights have closed in and there's nothing to really do outside.

I get DSS from school at 5 as he does after school clubs and prep. As soon as we get in I start cooking the kids tea and DSS gets straight on the xbox (he's already done homework at school). As soon as tea is ready, he turns on YouTube and watches that whilst I feed the baby. DP is back at about 6, and it's then him sitting with DSS watching whatever on Youtube whilst the baby sits between his legs and plays and I cook us dinner. They usually play a game with the baby for a little bit or have a wrestle but screen time is always involved. Baby goes to bed at 7.30 (if we're lucky) and the boys then play MORE Xbox until 8, it's then tablet time in bed for 10 minutes until DSS bed time.

To be honest I don't know where the time goes, and writing this down makes me properly ashamed. The truth is though, with a baby it's pretty much impossible for me to have any quality time with DSS when DP isn't here and I feel like I'm letting the tv take over.

DSS has got a lot going on in his little life, he barely sees his mum, and watching Dantdm on YouTube makes him happy and I just feel terrible taking that away from him. But at the same time I know that I need to put some boundaries in place.

Help?

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory I agree and do think OP it might need a bit of time and effort (you & dh not just you!) reintroducing some of these toys and games as screen time is so addictive and easy for them.
Just as an example, if I tell ds to go and play Lego he'll just say no or go and come back after 10 minutes. However if I put a box of Lego people & box of bricks on the table downstairs and suggest he makes something specific he's much more likely to engage and it can carry on for a few days.

Sounds fine to me and a lot like our evenings, although sometimes we're heading back out for football training or swimming lessons 6-7:30.

He's had a long day he needs to unwind too and it sounds like he's getting maximum 2hours screen time between 5pm and 8pm? Don't worry!

@FabbyChix that's great but a bit like saying "my granny smoked for 70 years and it never did her any harm". Doesn't mean it isn't bad for you

Agree that screens will always trump other stuff at this age. There was an interesting interview on Radio 4 the other day with a professional musician who was saying that it's increasingly hard to get children and teens up to a really good level on instruments because there's just so much distraction that stops them practising. Not saying that we all want our kids to be concert pianists - but I know my two would never practise their instruments (or do other stuff) if they were allowed to choose screens instead.

What time does he go to bed then? My 7 year old can have tv whilst I cook dinner 5-6, although it shifting 530-630 as activities get in the way. Then no more screen time. They have to be in bed by 8.

If it was me, to start off, I would make it a rule of no screens at the table and at bedtime. (Because the bedtime blue light will be affecting his sleep quality- it’s rule one of good sleep hygiene for anyone who is trying to improve their sleep) then he could have free access any other time while at home. He will struggle at bedtime as it’s become an ingrained habit before going to bed but I would stay firm on this one and switch the tablet for books.

I think the board game is a great idea for his to play with his dad after work or after the little one is in bed. Ticket to Ride London is a favourite with ours and it only takes 15 mins.

A few people asking about screens at dinner - he actually has his own little table that he sits at to eat his dinner in front of the TV 🥴

Me and DP sit up at the table and eat.

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory @mymadworld His toys are all in his (ridiculously large) Kallax shelves in his bedroom, and his lego in big plastic boxes. Whilst they're great for storage I think they're too tucked away for him really and he doesn't 'see' them if that makes sense. My plan has been to turn our conservatory into a play room so he has more access to them. Hopefully that helps.

He's had a snack, and we'll all be eating together tonight 👍🏻

I'm going to broach tablet time at bed banning with DP now.

DS is 7 and an only so similar set up I guess?
We eat later except at weekends, so he has tea on his own.
He’s allowed TV before tea and afterwards until 6.
6 is upstairs and bath, teeth, story (currently reading Prisoner of Azakaban to him)
Then he’s allowed to play with Lego/ Playmobil until 7.15. The he has to read to himself and lights out/ night time hugs is at 7.45.
Weekends and holidays he’s allowed more screen time/ iPad and a later night.

His toys are all in his (ridiculously large) Kallax shelves in his bedroom, and his lego in big plastic boxes. Whilst they're great for storage I think they're too tucked away for him really and he doesn't 'see' them if that makes sense. My plan has been to turn our conservatory into a play room so he has more access to them. Hopefully that helps.

Yes that should help as they’ll be more visible to him but also he can play with them without isolating himself from the family and you/DH/baby can also be involved with his play too when he wants. Couple it with restricting screen time and you'll definitely see them getting more use.

I should add that aside from the occasional 'IM STARVING' despite many snacks (he'll get used to it I hope) my life this evening has been made a hell of a lot easier and the 3 of us (me him and baby) got to sit down and chat.

So simple.

Whoop!

Long may it last!

Thankyou @IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory

And thank you @shearwater that means a lot xxx

You sound lovely. Everyone needs a bit of downtime. Could you maybe get him to ‘help’ you prep dinner? Dc1 hated it but dc2 loved the helping.

That’s good you all got to chat. Definitely one meal for all of you & eat together if you can.

We do quite a bit, but that’s due to early trauma, I would rather shove the TV on and do sod all most nights.

We walk to the park after school and he plays for about half an hour, when we get home he has 30 mins of TV time while I make dinner. Once we have eaten we do lego, drawing, colouring, wrestling etc for about an hour. He reads me a story as this calms him down after play time, then it’s bath, story from me and bed. He is in bed anywhere between 7-7:30 depending on how tired (annoying) he is.

I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. They aren't allowed any screen time on week days. They just play with toys in the evening. My older son wants a console but I won't allow one until he is in big school at least.

You sound like a lovely mum but that is absolutely too much screen time.
Mine never had such things so young, but when they eventually did I restricted it to an hour every other evening. Certainly no gadgets in the bedroom and only books in bed, I used to love reading to them.
I also suggest you all sit together and eat at the table as a family also.

I must be getting old - how do people think we coped before 'screens' were invented?

In our case, I picked them up from school, they had 30 mins of 'downtime'/TV with a snack and then homework was done before dinner at 5.30pm (primary school years), then chatting, bit of family TV time maybe, then bath, stories/reading on their own and bed.

I'm too old now to do it all again, but honestly if I did this 'screen' thing wouldn't be happening! Reading, interactive board games, craft activities - all those things held good before screens were invented, so it's really shocking to see how these days parents seem to think it's impossible to do anything that doesn't involve screens to a ludicrous extent.

I really am getting old!

@mrsfrankdrebin how is that so different from the OP?! That's lots of TV!

But i think its far more common now for the parent (s) to have been at work all day too, so realistically, there is only so much they can 'give'. I work ft as a teacher and am a single mum to two tweens. They are at school / prep / rugby til 4.30 or 5.30. Once we are home i am sorting dinner, laundry, kit, life admin, sometimes before dashing out again to Brownies or sports club. DD naturally gravitates to lego, colouring, creative stuff and it kills me when she wants me to 'play' at. 7pm. I find it very hard to be 'on' with them after a full day of teaching. DS is much more screen based and when we're at home his default is a screen. He'll do other stuff, though not lego or crafts (never has), but not independent of me. They both read loads in bed, with and without me. Yes there are issues with content but this can be managed, and i dont have screens at the table or in bed but I cant get too worked up about exact number of hours or minutes.

@MrsFrankDrebin how old are you that you were a parent before screens???

Back in the 90s I would get back from school at 3.30pm, watch TV while we had a snack, Newsround, Blue Peter, Neighbours, Fresh Prince, tea time, bath and bed

Definitely no screens while eating.
Either you or DH should be reading to him or with him for at least 10 mins beofre bed.
At that age, we used to play a lot at bath time. Get some bubble sin the bath and then DC would bathe and Id sit on the loo seat (You could cuddle the baby while doing this) and just b=make up silly games. We'd tell stories or play 'I went to the market ' (memory game wher eyou add something each time from the next letter of the alphabet) or we'd do an alphabet ga,e where you had to name a fruit or an animal from each letter of the alphabet. Or we'd play if you had a million pounds what would you buy? If you had a super power what would it be etc. Basically it's just any excuse to let them chat to you and feel their ideas are worth your attention. Boys especially never seem to tire of super power and million pound question games.

Not judging at all as I've absolutely fallen into the same trap. I have a 1yo and 11yo. And DH is far quicker to turn to screens than me and doesn't have my anxiety over it so that doesn't help because he's always going to it in situations I'd not.

I think ideally I would do:

Home at 5, YT allowed while you make dinner - save xbox for weekends, because I think it can be too addictive. YT not great for addictiveness either really, but at least you can do limits like 1x 20 min Dan video or whatever, plus I have a soft spot for Dan and I think he is a good role model for children. I do think kids need some time to just kind of decompress and chill out when they first get home.

Feed kids together at table. If you're not hungry at that point make a cup of tea and sit with them. I try to do this, and it generally works well, it's just sometimes I'm too knackered and end up feeding the kids separately because it feels easier.

Aim to have dinner finished by the time DH gets home, arrival of Daddy is far too distracting and exciting for dinner to continue.

Dad does more physical/greeting type play - if he's tired from work DH will often just sit on the floor and read books or let DS2 toddle around and throw toys to and from etc.

Bath time from 6.30ish? Into PJs after that and baby in bed for 7, DS1 in bed for 7.30 and then gets story read for 15 mins or so and is allowed to read to himself if he wants to beyond that.

Food wise - difficult with limited time, but I'd try to do one meal for everyone. If need be, make the meal at the later dinner time for you and DH and keep a portion back for the DC that you reheat for them the next afternoon.

I think there's a difference between the tv on in the background in the corner of the room, where you could only choose the channel, not the individual programme (back in the day), and today's small, close, interactive screen activity, or choose your viewing netflix.
Back then it was easy not to pay full attention to the tv. Now, I suspect it's harder to ignore the precise thing you have opted to watch / play.
Sounds like you did good, OP. If you can all eat around the same table, even better.

No to the Xbox. At 7, mine were entertaining themselves with lego, drawing, reading, watching a little children's TV but no gaming. No screens or devices in the bedrooms. They are 12 & 16 now and during term time, our general house rule is no PC gaming at all until the weekend. So what if there's whinging. Be the adult - you'll making a rod for your own back if you let a 7 yr old spend so much time on the Xbox daily now. Restricting usage when he's older will be so much harder!