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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD keeps giving away her things!

83 replies

LeoAugust13 · 07/11/2019 18:53

My DD (5years old) keeps giving away her things to one kid in her class as she keeps asking her for her things. I’ve never bothered about it before as it’s been minor things that I can easily replace, but now it’s getting ridiculous it seems to be everyday. I’m not working so having to replace these small items is costing me.

I’m also annoyed that this girls mum must notice her kid coming home with these new items but has not said anything. I don’t know where to go from here what action if any should I take? I’ve spoken to DD today and her response is the other kid wants it do she gives it to her. I don’t want to cause any issues in her friendships but how to approach? Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 07/11/2019 20:18

Tell her that she'll have to have her hair cut really short if she keeps giving him air clips away. I take it she hasn't had nits yet because that'll seriously toughen up your attitude.

Witchend · 07/11/2019 20:20

This happened between two children in my dd's class in reception.
Turned out that one was bullying the other into giving the things by saying things like "I won't play with you if you don't give me that" or "I'll tell the teacher you're being mean to me if you don't give me that."

Intervene.

Notodontidae · 07/11/2019 20:21

They are not hers to give away, the rule should be to share things if mummy or daddy says so. Next thing will be her lunch, or a book, some parents believe in autonomy for their children, but even then boundaries still need to be incorporated. Children cannot legally make a contract, at the moment it is her hair band tomorrow, who knows. This must be nipped iun the bud, you must speak to DDs friends mum, and discuss what has happened.

mathanxiety · 07/11/2019 20:22

You need to give your DD a script. You need to be quite serious with her and rehearse this together including what DD is to say if the other girl persists.
When the other girl asks for her things, she is to say, 'Mum doesn't let me share my things so you can't have them.' Or "I'm not allowed to share my things.'
Other girl persists? 'Sorry, you will have to ask my Mum (at 3 o'clock/when she picks me up today) if you want my things.'
Check and see if DD has her stuff when you pick her up and ask her if she has used the words you practiced together.

You need to stake out the school door and approach the other mum if the losses continue. Make sure you don't accuse the other girl of stealing or bullying (even though this may well be a case of undue pressure).

Spend this weekend rehearsing the lines with DD and see how it all goes in the course of next week.

If the loss of stuff continues and you are sure your DD has been using the script with the other girl, then go to the teacher, as it may well be that this is a case of manipulation or pressure.

Worst case scenario, you end up contacting the teacher at the end of next week.

cansu · 07/11/2019 20:25

mention it to the teacher. She can probably speak to them both and explain that things like hair clips etc should not be given away. You also need to be clear with your dd that she is not to do it and that you will be cross if she does!

mathanxiety · 07/11/2019 20:25

Also, at home, you need to stop any pressure you may be putting on your DD to share with her siblings and make it clear to her that sharing isn't the be all and end all.

www.mother.ly/child/montessori-at-home-why-we-dont-force-kids-to-share

MrsBlobbys · 07/11/2019 20:34

Op, does this little girl not have much? So your DD feels sorry for her?

Beautiful3 · 07/11/2019 20:37

Just tell her teacher to have a word with them both to nip it in the bud.

MarketApples · 07/11/2019 20:40

You need to set some rules. For example:

DD and her friends were into LOL cards and used to swap them every day. We had the rule that she could take 5 cards to school ech day, but as a minimum she had to come home with 4.

DS and his friends are into Super Zings (little collectible figures that cost 70p each). Loads to collect and they swap doubles. The basic ones are straight swaps, but a silver is worth 2, and the super precious gold one worth 3. All the kids in the class have this Super Zing rule.

NoCleanClothes · 07/11/2019 20:46

Like PP have said just mention it to the teacher. I'm surprised the other mum hasn't noticed random pairs of gloves coming home!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 07/11/2019 20:56

Do you have a class WhatsApp group? I’d post saying that DD has come home without clips/gloves/whatever again and wondered if anyone’s child had accidentally come home with them. If that didn’t stop it then I’d approach the teacher.

notmytea · 07/11/2019 21:12

My 5yo does this and also brings things home from friends who have offered scrunchies etc. I always send them back to hand over but I think it's their way of expressing friendship.

Maybe send her in with a sheet of stickers or something and explain everything else is hers and not to be given away

Original poster
LeoAugust13 · 07/11/2019 21:30

Thank you all for your input. Some really good points raised so thanks for that. I do Highly believe it’s not bullying as my daughter is very fond of this kid. I am going to keep reinforcing that she shouldn’t give away things all the time. I’ve never spoken to her about this till today so will keep coaching her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeoAugust13 · 07/11/2019 21:32

Montessori at home: Why we don’t force kids to share - really interesting article! thanks for that

OP posts:
ivegotthisyeah · 07/11/2019 21:35

This is my DD!! 7 year kind little thing. Sent her to school with £2 for the poppy appeal the other day she gave it to her friends so they could buy the items HmmHmm

TriciaH87 · 07/11/2019 21:44

Tell her teacher what is happening ask at the end of day that she or he makes sure dd has the items she came with. Write a note for teacher to pass to other child's parent asking they have a word with their child not to ask for dds things and that it would be appreciated if they would return them.

namina · 07/11/2019 21:50

I could have written this post! My daughter does the same things, it's really lovely that they are so kind but I keep trying to tell her to say no!

CaptainNelson · 07/11/2019 22:41

I think this is normal in KS1. My DCs did it all the time, then got really upset when the other child wouldn't give whatever it was back when they were asked. They don't really get it.
Yes, the other child shouldn't be asking for things; but yes, you need to help your DD learn how to say no. If it doesn't stop, then talk to the teacher, but don't rush in. If you're not worried and your DD isn't upset, it doesn't sound like bullying (at this point).

Generallybewildered · 07/11/2019 23:07

Both of my children have come home with things that aren’t theirs before now. Pencils, books, hair bands, balls, cards - endless things that had to be sent back the following day.
Just speak to the mum. Both children need to have it explained that although it’s lovely to share, presents are for birthdays only.

BetsyBigNose · 07/11/2019 23:17

Your DD isn't too young to start to learn that replacing these items cost money, and that money doesn't grow on trees! I would let her know that you have spent your money on buying these items for her and this other child's parents spend their money on buying things for their child. It's fine to let her know that you can't afford to buy hairbands and gloves for the whole class!

I agree that you should have a quick word with the Teacher and try to catch the other child's Mum in the playground and as @BarrenFieldOfFucks suggests, ask for them back - if it were me, I'd probably have returned them already happily return them.

As @churchandstate suggests, I would categorically tell your daughter that she is not allowed to give her things away. You bought them for her, not for anyone else!

mathanxiety · 08/11/2019 00:27

A child can be very fond of a friend who is domineering.

NameChange84 · 08/11/2019 00:36

This is a pretty common area of behaviour that comes up as a red flag to watch out for during teacher training. It's sometimes a sign of a sort of exploitation or bullying that could be going on.

You would not be bothering us or wasting our time by telling us. We would want to know so we could take a positive intervention, especially at such a young age.

In the meantime, definitely approach the other parent in a no fuss manner, "hi, Ava tells me that Ellie has taken her hair clips and gloves home over the last few weeks. Can we have them back please?" Handle it lightly and let the other parent know you are working on your DD knowing the difference between sharing and giving away her possessions.

She sounds like a very sweet and caring child.

SeaToSki · 08/11/2019 00:39

I had this, sorted it out with a ‘family rule’

DD in the SeatoSki family the kids dont give or lend our things to other people, its a family rule. We only give other people presents on their birthdays or at christmas and then it is something that Dad or I buy specifically for them.

This rule also works nicely when other dc come over to play and ask if they can borrow a toy to take home with them - no sorry we dont do that in our family

EmeraldShamrock · 08/11/2019 00:44

Is she careful with her personal belongings at home.
Could she be losing her stuff now in the habit of saying she gave it away.
DS tells me every day he was a bold boy in school as he got in trouble a few times, he hasn't been in trouble in a longtime, whenever I ask how was your day? He answers teacher gave out to me today. He is 4. Teacher confirmed he wasn't in trouble

Witchend · 08/11/2019 19:11

I do Highly believe it’s not bullying as my daughter is very fond of this kid
Sorry, but the situation I referred to upthread the child who was giving away would have said she was best friends and very fond of her.
It was absolutely bullying.