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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD keeps giving away her things!

83 replies

LeoAugust13 · 07/11/2019 18:53

My DD (5years old) keeps giving away her things to one kid in her class as she keeps asking her for her things. I’ve never bothered about it before as it’s been minor things that I can easily replace, but now it’s getting ridiculous it seems to be everyday. I’m not working so having to replace these small items is costing me.

I’m also annoyed that this girls mum must notice her kid coming home with these new items but has not said anything. I don’t know where to go from here what action if any should I take? I’ve spoken to DD today and her response is the other kid wants it do she gives it to her. I don’t want to cause any issues in her friendships but how to approach? Any advice appreciated

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 07/11/2019 19:22

Of course a teacher would be interested. It isn't just about the stuff, but what the dynamic is teaching your daughter and that imbalance needs to be addressed.

If you know a parent by sight I would ask for then back. "Hiya, but of an odd one, DD tells me that she's given her clips/gloves/whatever to your daughter. It's really sweet that they're friends and they seem to really like each other, but could you see if you could find them? We're running low at home!"

bridgetreilly · 07/11/2019 19:22

I would talk to the teacher and especially the other mum, but to your daughter I would simply explain that if she gives things away, it will mean she has to go without them herself. You can't always replace everything. So if her hands will be cold without gloves, she mustn't give them away. And if she does, wait a couple of weeks before getting new ones for her.

SallyLovesCheese · 07/11/2019 19:23

I'd speak to the girl's mum and say your DD is giving away her things and could the mum return anything she gives to her daughter. You can say it in such a way you don't need to mention it's her daughter asking for things if you don't want to. Then as pp have said, teaching your daughter not to give away her things.

You could tell the teacher, but as a teacher myself I'd wonder why you hadn't approached the parent in the first instance. It doesn't sound like blackmail, just one girl liking something and asking for it and getting it, nothing sinister. There's no reason you can't speak to the mum.

Lipperfromchipper · 07/11/2019 19:28

It not necessarily bullying op, as I said my dad and her best friend are always giving each other things. I Just ensure they get them back. Did you talk to the other parent??

MesmorisedByTheLights · 07/11/2019 19:29

The teacher should intervene and make sure your dd is going home with everything she brought. And will know if the other mother is reasonable enough to speak with and will return things not belonging to her own dd.

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 19:32

Ask the teacher to tell her she's not allowed to give things away.
If you went in saying they'd been stolen the teacher would have to sort it all out, they'd much prefer to say a big no to her instead.

FreshStart01 · 07/11/2019 19:32

What Barren said but I do think repeating the message with your 5 year old will slowly sink in. Its probably not bullying, just girls being girls - some have no qualms about asking if they can have something, others are very happy to give. They both need teaching that presents are for birthdays, if we give something away then we don't have it anymore (the giver) or if we take something then they don't have it anymore (the taker) and things cost money that mummys and daddys have to work hard to get. Never too early to learn that everything has a value.

Lipperfromchipper · 07/11/2019 19:33

Yes because that’s what teachers are for, we line all the children up at the start of the day and count/take note of their belongings and then we do another check on their way out!!
As a teacher and a parent OP I am asking you to speak to the parent first and also your daughter. All you have to say is “dd mummy does NOThsve the money or the time to keep buying you new, clips and gloves! Stop giving them to your friend!! IF you keep doing it I will have to speak to your teacher!” Then leave it for a week or so and see what happens.

mankyfourthtoe · 07/11/2019 19:34

Also tell your dd that you'll be telling her teacher as it's not allowed.
But practise role play, what your dd could say when cf asks for her stuff. Give her the words.

Mermaidtissues · 07/11/2019 19:34

I think it’s a form of bullying. Other child needs to be made aware of that

churchandstate · 07/11/2019 19:35

I would tell her categorically that she is not allowed to give away her things.

Fredthefrog · 07/11/2019 19:36

As a teacher I have stepped in before. Approach the teacher and say that your daughter is giving things away that she can not really. Please can staff speak to class about gifts

Lulualla · 07/11/2019 19:36

What do you mean you don't want to interfere with the friendship.
Are you trying to teach your daughter that she will only have a friend if she never says no?

You should actively be teaching her about healthy friendships, and about boundaries. Most importantly, you should be teaching her to say no. Have a proper talk about it, and remind her on the way into school. Also find the parent of the other child and tell them what's going on. Ask them to speak to their daughter about always asking for things which aren't hers.

Lipperfromchipper · 07/11/2019 19:40

With all due respect you cannot say it is bullying until the full picture of the situation has been obtained! OP has only had her dds side, her friend may have said “oh I like your gloves” and she may have said “here you can have them” maybe she is just one of those people pleasers! I think assuming bullying is harsh. As a teacher I have seen little girls give things away on a whim A LOT!

TeenPlusTwenties · 07/11/2019 19:44

We had a rule in primary - no giving away things or accepting things from others. Made life much easier.

jillandhersprite · 07/11/2019 19:44

If she's 5 then is reception or year 1 - they are absolutely learning about social interaction at school as well as academic stuff. I would start off with coaching and chatting scenarios with your daughter to say no, have boundaries and stick to them. If that doesn't work and then your daughter is being left out because she doesn't hand over her stuff then at that point you should be involving the teacher.
Our school teachers certainly happy to ensure healthy relationships and interactions in school and step in to support that.

LittleLongDog · 07/11/2019 19:48

I would ask the other mum for the gloves back (not the hair clips) in a friendly manner.

Going forwards, I’d mention it to the teacher in case it comes up in the future (if they spot it happening they can reinforce that you have said not to give things away). And I’d also be having strong words with dd!

Bowerbird5 · 07/11/2019 19:48

Tell the teacher.Then she can perhaps have a word with the class. It is very common at this age when they are trying to form friendships. They take stuff from school too. Little dinosaurs, Lego etc. It is part of social learning.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/11/2019 19:50

Explain to her about swapzies. You get nothing for nothing.
My DD was similar at this age it use to drive me mad. Now every September I expect swapping, she won't give a sparkling pencil with getting a cool eraser for it.
I would speak to the Teacher.

VenusTiger · 07/11/2019 19:55

Who is picking the other girl up from school @LeoAugust13 is it the same person who drops her off each morning? Reason I ask, is, parent may not be aware if girl is perhaps squirrelling stuff away elsewhere without parents knowledge

ASundayWellSpent · 07/11/2019 19:57

Exact same thing here with DD5, both giving and receiving things. Every time I tell her "that was kind of you/ your friend, they / you can borrow that thing until tomorrow, but then it needs to be back with its owner". Seems to be a compromise they can accept

HerRoyalNotness · 07/11/2019 19:58

But the teacher is the person on the ground so to speak and can keep an eye on it. What if you don’t do drop offs or the the other parent doesn’t or you don’t know who the parent is? How can you sort it directly?

Be firm with your DD and tell her she is not to give her things away even if someone asks. I guess she’ll learn if she gets cold hands if you don’t replace her gloves though. Mine have come home maybe 3 times in 6 years with a pen or pencil that a friend has given them. Anything else I’d send it back in to return but not all parents would

CharityDingle · 07/11/2019 20:07

Plain hair clips from now on. Nothing that will appeal to the other child. It's interesting that your daughter isn't generous with her sibling/ cousins etc. That would make me wonder a little about how the 'gifts' are happening.
They are very much learning at five, and adjusting to a new world for them. I would reinforce it with her again before school, that there can be no more giving away of stuff.

Nighttimefreedom · 07/11/2019 20:15

Lipperfromchipper it's not about the teacher making sure she has her belongings at the end of the school day, more about him or her reinforcing the message with the whole class about sharing, boundaries etc. In my DDs instance it did transpire the other little girl had been telling my DD she wouldn't be her friend if she didn't give her x y z, so I'm glad the teacher did know so she could keep an eye out.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/11/2019 20:15

Definitely approach the teacher - it's fine to intervene at this early age!