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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH could/already has cheated

89 replies

thelightside · 07/11/2019 16:36

There's a long backstory but I'll try to keep it short.

Things haven't been great between myself and DH since the birth of our DD, one thing in particular DH struggles with is the fact I'm not ready to have sex again yet. It makes him angry and he will make comments about how it makes him hate me or will joke about how he understands why men cheat.

A few weeks ago I (accidentally) found out DH has taken an interest in one particular woman who he has met through his friend (his friends ex). They are not close, or even friends, and have no spoken for years, but he likes all of her pictures and pretty much everything she posts on social media. She is also the only woman he follows on Instagram (apart from myself). He doesn't even follow his friends or family on there.

I find him doing this weird as he has always made a big deal about how he finds it disrespectful to like pictures/posts from someone of the opposite gender whilst in a relationship and even goes as far to think it's disrespectful to be friends with/follow someone of the opposite sex on social media. I don't agree but as a result of his beliefs neither of us have ever done it, until this incident of course.

I asked him about it as I found it weird, especially after all his comments about cheating and hating me etc, and he said he could see why I would find it strange but it meant nothing.

Fast forward to today, I was out with DSis when she decides to tell me she found a text conversation on her phone from my DH to one of her friends, talking about how "he gets none" and because of this, he has "no self control".

She said she saw the conversation months ago (at the time it had happened, when DH handed her, her phone back) and didn't want to tell me but felt she should, she showed me the messages and I could see parts of the conversation had been deleted. I asked if she had deleted them and she said no and that the messages had been deleted by DH before he gave back the phone.

She asked her friend what DH was saying and her friend had said he was over sharing and being a bit disrespected towards me. DSis has asked me not to tell DH she's told me, and mentioned that he was drunk at the time (he was, I was there but wasn't sitting with them when he was using her phone).

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about all of this? Am I overreacting? Putting 2 and 2 together makes me feel as though DH could potentially be, if he hasn't been already, unfaithful.

Wwyd in my situation if anything? Would you ignore DSis wishes and confront DH? Or would you watch quietly until you had something a bit more substantial to confront him?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 07/11/2019 16:43

I'd start to work on the relationship, tbh. DH is feeling neglected and if he hasn't overstepped the mark yet, he's likely to do so soon. It depends on how much you value the marriage - and really it's the age old problem. The man wants sex and the wife doesn't. No one's being unreasonable. It's biology. How old is your dd?

TatoTurner · 07/11/2019 16:48

Er what? How about he works on the relationship?
He is demanding sex with the threat of cheating if he doesn't get it. I think that's dreadful behaviour from your dh and would not entice me into bed.

Areyoufree · 07/11/2019 16:52

I don't think you can go by a text conversation that may or may not have happened months ago. Why has your sister decided to bring it up now? I would ask him about it, but wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

AdoreTheBeach · 07/11/2019 16:52

YANBU to feel uneasy about this.

Perhaps there are two things afoot here. Firstly, the messages to this friend of your Dsis and secondly the lack of sex in your marriage.

Certainly there should be some discussion about the following/comments of this other woman and ask him to stop. That by his own opinion, this is disrespectful to you. Not sure how to address the messages as your Dsis asked you not to yell so not sure how to directly approach that. Maybe ask him if he’s been messaging any other woman?

You write that months ago he sent these messages. How old is your DC? Certainly if you’ve recently given birth, lack of sex is understandable. But if it is now months of no intimacy, his frustration is understandable (certainly not understandable is the “no self control”). If it has been months, perhaps a visit to the GP to check how things are physically for you in case any intervention/treatment is needed, and then discuss with your DH. If it’s not physical, if it’s exhaustion, discuss this with your DH that perhaps there are ways for you to get some rest that you’d then have the energy to have sex with him again. Are you intimate otherwise? Cuddles, kissing? I may get flamed for this but I do have three children and worked full time throughout their childhood so do know keeping a marriage on track takes effort from both parties and that includes keeping intimacy alive.

lyingwanker · 07/11/2019 16:55

I don't quite understand what went on with the messages? Did your DH use your sisters phone to openly flirt/chat up another woman?!

FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2019 16:57

I think I would struggle to have sex with a man to whose child I had recently given birth and who told me that the lack of sex was making him hate me, tbh.

Original poster

thelightside · 07/11/2019 16:57

@lyingwanker it looks that way from the messages I've seen

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/11/2019 16:57

How old is your daughter, OP?

He sounds sleazy, tbh.

Whattodoabout · 07/11/2019 16:58

It depends how old your DD is really. There’s never any excuse for cheating but I can understand why he’d feel neglected and rejected if you haven’t had sex for over a year. If your DD is only a few months old then he’s just being an arsehole.

He is being an arsehole regardless Instagram stalking the woman and discussing your sex life with others btw. I just think if you haven’t had sex for over a year, you maybe need to work on regaining your libido.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/11/2019 16:58

Yeah I don't get the phone thing - your dh sent texts to your sister's friend on her phone? Odd.

RedPanda2 · 07/11/2019 17:00

' he finds it disrespectful to like pictures/posts from someone of the opposite gender whilst in a relationship and even goes as far to think it's disrespectful to be friends with/follow someone of the opposite sex on social media'
Red.Flag!!!!!! He's being a dick and trying to blame you for of/when he cheats.

Original poster

thelightside · 07/11/2019 17:05

DD is 5 months old.

I understand someone has said if it's been months since I've given birth (which it has) that I should see a doctor.

Potentially there is something wrong, but I can say honestly say for the most part it's been this long since we were last intimate due to complications from forceps and an emergency c section, which meant I was walking with crutches for months due to nerve palsy as well as DH behaviour and just generally feeling exhausted!

OP posts:

Original poster

thelightside · 07/11/2019 17:07

@HowlsMovingBungalow it's odd I agree, he was using her snapchat to take pictures etc and started talking to one of her friends on there.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 07/11/2019 17:24

You can't do it, but he can. Nice.
What were things like before you had DD?

RoxytheRexy · 07/11/2019 17:26

So he’s trying to blackmail you into sex? Yeah I wouldn’t want to shag him either

Vanhi · 07/11/2019 17:30

Are people reading the same OP that I am? Her DH makes "jokes" about how he hates her because he hasn't had sex for a while. He won't follow members of the opposite sex on social media and as a result neither does the OP. He uses somebody else's phone to text a woman and says he is losing self control because he gets none. He was texting this whilst the OP was present.

How is any of this remotely acceptable? Sure I get that it's difficult if you're not having sex but don't you just talk to your partner about it? Frankly I wouldn't be trying to patch things up with anyone who said they hated me because I hadn't had sex with them recently. I'd be looking at ways to get away from this revolting man.

Andysbestadventure · 07/11/2019 17:31

Would you care if he has? He sounds like a total scumbag. Why would you want to stay with him? He's already disrepecting you, the mother of his child, and even telling you he hates you to your face.

You know that's not normal, right? Please tell me that you know that is abusive?

Hanab · 07/11/2019 17:33

suggest you guys start getting intimate slowly .. show him you have not given up on being intimate .. talk to your doctor & get help .. if you still fancy your hubby show him ..

As for the question of cheating .. you can snoop or you can ask him outright .. be ready for the truth ( if he does tell it)

Ps: the sis convo part of your message is confusing ..

PlasticPatty · 07/11/2019 17:36

Oh for heaven's sake! Do you want this man? Why not plan to see the back of him. Nasty, bullying, sleazy bloke that he is.

Vanhi · 07/11/2019 17:37

suggest you guys start getting intimate slowly .. show him you have not given up on being intimate .. talk to your doctor & get help .. if you still fancy your hubby show him

I'd want to chop it off, not stick it inside me. Jesus wept. Why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who has said they hate them?

Sayhellotothethings · 07/11/2019 17:40

I think your DH has been a prick with the comments he makes. The text thing sounds odd. He was uses your sisters phone to chat someone up?

I can understand why it feels shit for him if you are not intimate at all. It's part of a relationship. It doesn't excuse his comments. How were things before baby?

You could work on your relationship, consider why you have no interest in sex at the moment and if that's something you would like to change. Similarly he needs to think about how his actions make you feel. I think open communication is needed from both of you.

It's hard to say if he could have cheated. He could have, but he could also just be an asshole.

Shoxfordian · 07/11/2019 17:42

So many red flags
He tells you he hates you because you're not having sex with him.
He tells you that you can't have male friends online but he flirts with other women

He's really a disrespectful shitbag

Sayhellotothethings · 07/11/2019 17:42

Is this first baby OP?

ohheyblue · 07/11/2019 17:44

@thelightside Sorry you're going through this, can't be easy with a 5 month old baby! I think your reasons for not being intimate are absolutely valid, and I don't think you should feel bad about taking your time before jumping back in - especially if you've been in pain for some/all of those 5 months!!

My big question is do you trust him? In my experience I struggle being close physically to someone I don't trust. If you're worried that he's lying, and based on how mean he's been to you lately, I could understand if sex was the furthest thing from your mind! If it was me, I'd sit down with him and say something along the lines of... "look, I may be completely off track here and I apologise if I am.. but I've been worried that you might be looking to cheat on me and before we get to that stage I'd like us to talk about it."
If you can get some honesty out of him, it may help in a few ways. You may find nothing happened, you may find he has been thinking about it and be able to talk things through (and share why you are struggling with the idea of sex right now) and you can get your relationship back on track if that's what you want. If the convo doesn't go well.... then you have to think seriously about what some of the others have said. Do you want to raise kids with someone you don't trust?

Fannybaws52 · 07/11/2019 17:45

Your DP is a disgusting pig who has zero respect for you.

Your relationship is already crumbling because he is a liar who sees you as a hole.

Why have you set your bar so low with him? You dont want sex because your inner voice must be screaming at you that you can do better.

I hope one day to see a new thread on here from you where you describe your new life with a caring, loving partner and how you're glad your exDP is in the past.

Oh and the pig you're with now will spread his misogynistic views to your kids so think about that and how much self worth you will all have.

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