To think DH could/already has cheated

[thelightside]

There's a long backstory but I'll try to keep it short.

Things haven't been great between myself and DH since the birth of our DD, one thing in particular DH struggles with is the fact I'm not ready to have sex again yet. It makes him angry and he will make comments about how it makes him hate me or will joke about how he understands why men cheat.

A few weeks ago I (accidentally) found out DH has taken an interest in one particular woman who he has met through his friend (his friends ex). They are not close, or even friends, and have no spoken for years, but he likes all of her pictures and pretty much everything she posts on social media. She is also the only woman he follows on Instagram (apart from myself). He doesn't even follow his friends or family on there.

I find him doing this weird as he has always made a big deal about how he finds it disrespectful to like pictures/posts from someone of the opposite gender whilst in a relationship and even goes as far to think it's disrespectful to be friends with/follow someone of the opposite sex on social media. I don't agree but as a result of his beliefs neither of us have ever done it, until this incident of course.

I asked him about it as I found it weird, especially after all his comments about cheating and hating me etc, and he said he could see why I would find it strange but it meant nothing.

Fast forward to today, I was out with DSis when she decides to tell me she found a text conversation on her phone from my DH to one of her friends, talking about how "he gets none" and because of this, he has "no self control".

She said she saw the conversation months ago (at the time it had happened, when DH handed her, her phone back) and didn't want to tell me but felt she should, she showed me the messages and I could see parts of the conversation had been deleted. I asked if she had deleted them and she said no and that the messages had been deleted by DH before he gave back the phone.

She asked her friend what DH was saying and her friend had said he was over sharing and being a bit disrespected towards me. DSis has asked me not to tell DH she's told me, and mentioned that he was drunk at the time (he was, I was there but wasn't sitting with them when he was using her phone).

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about all of this? Am I overreacting? Putting 2 and 2 together makes me feel as though DH could potentially be, if he hasn't been already, unfaithful.

Wwyd in my situation if anything? Would you ignore DSis wishes and confront DH? Or would you watch quietly until you had something a bit more substantial to confront him?

the sis convo part of your message is confusing
DH was using DSis phone (on her snapchat) taking pics,videos etc. He started messaging one of DSis friends on snapchat at the same time..

This was months ago whilst on a family holiday, DS has only just told me.

Yes this is our first baby.

I can identify really easily my reasons for not wanting to be intimate.. at first it was due to complications from birth.. now it's DHs behaviour and the fact I'm exhausted and get barely any time to myself during the day, so when I finally don't have a baby attached to me.. I don't want to be touched by someone else.

I've told DH all this, he doesn't make any effort to change it though.. still the constant comments about our sex life, just now he's made a comment about it - "imagine having a frigid wife" it's constant, he doesn't help himself.

He also barely does his bit with DD so I have her 90% of the time. He's not a very likeable person in my opinion at the moment so no, I don't want to have sex with him.

Things were great in the relationship before DD arrived.

suggest you guys start getting intimate slowly .. show him you have not given up on being intimate .. talk to your doctor & get help .. if you still fancy your hubby show him ..

Fuck that. The only problem here is his. Why the fuck would you want to have sex with someone that tries to blackmail you into it.

Here’s a thought:
Your child comes home and confides in you that a boy/girl has been pressuring them to have sex, including blackmailing them. They ask you if they should just do it. What would you say?
Or is it that because they’re married, she should lie back and think of England regardless of how she feels? Last time I checked, marital rape was outlawed in 1991.

OP what’s the point of him?

Op he sounds vile, I'm so sorry. I'd suggest counselling if you really want to save the relationship. He must understand that he cannot talk to you that way and that you won't put up with it. To me that's even more of an issue than the possible cheating as it indicates contempt . For what it's worth I have felt similarly to you after giving birth and my DH would never talk to me or about me in that way.

It's catch 22. You don't want sex cos he's being a dick. He's being a sick cos you don't want sex. Can anyone have your DD for a few hours while you talk seriously about this to each other?

If OP is not going to be somewhat intimate with him and sex is important to him he is going to stray ..

If she does not want to have any intimacy with him tell him outright .. Make him do his share of caring for the child as well so he can see how difficult it is bringing up a baby.

What if OP was the one who wanted or needed intimacy and her husband was too tired as a stay at home dad or he worked long hours yadda yadda .. would he get the same advice? What if he thought his wife has strayed or was putting out feelers for some pleasure .. what advice would you give him?

A women has wants and need and so does a man ... OP’s husband is being a twat I do not take his part in any shape or form .. but if they meet half way -him with childcare she with intimacy they can probably make a go of it ..

I am old -ish throwing in the towel simply because we have rights without trying to work things out does not sit right with me ..

They need to communicate .. possibly with a third party who is neutral ..

If hubby has strayed and continues being a twat then maybe they need time apart or something more .. lay your cards out and decide a way forward

I don’t care to be bashed ..

Thats just my opinion you DO NOT have to agree

🌷

he will make comments about how it makes him hate me or will joke about how he understands why men cheat.

What a nasty bastard. If he was nice in the past, then it looks like he's one of those where the abuse kicks in after the baby is born.

I think ultimatums are usually unhelpful, but in this case - he starts acting like a loving partner or he moves the fuck out. You deserve so much better.

I think whether he has/will cheat is a bit of a red herring.

If a horrible emotionally abusive person doesn't cheat, does it make them any less horribly emotionally abusive?

He's being horrible to you now about you needing time to heal from birthing his child so that he can blame you when you find out he's cheated.

I'm not sure relationship counselling is a good idea. Counseling helps when there are communication problems. But your husband is communicating loud and clear and he'd likely use the counseling to be horrible to you all over again, only with an audience.

I haven't had sex with my husband for a couple of weeks. We have no children, we've both been away. Tend to just have sex at weekends..

He adores me.

This is how it should be, please think about walking away from such a knobhead

oh honey. so many threads similar to this. same old same old. makes me angry and sad.
I don't think you should waste your life on this sleazy man.

So your daughter is 5 months, yet the messages to the friend complaining about not getting any were months ago? So when your daughter was say 2 months and you were still recovering? He is a dick

My ex uses our lack of sex life as one of the reasons he snapped and attacked me. Weeks at a time, he got no sex out of me, the poor dear. FFS.

I went off it completely when I had some medical issues. After months of PA comments, I gave him the choice. Stop and accept it or leave and find someone who would give him what he wants. Two and a half years later, he is still here. I just am not in the least bit interested and the door is still open. I told him many years ago when we first started living together that if he ever felt the need to look elsewhere in our relationship then he could go. I cannot and will not accept a cheater (been there, done that). It would break my heart but he knows just one stray and it is over. I will not beg or try and persuade him, if he wants another, there is no half measure. He knows I can manage without him and that keeps him here. Some will find this weird and some will say sex equals intimacy which is vital for a strong relationship. I say, Whatever works for you.

To me, the issue isn't if he has cheated or not.

The issue is that he views you as an object; his object, and is getting pissed off about it that he hasn't been able to use you for your main purpose to him (servicing his needs, obviously) and is therefore justifying trying to pursue other people.

Not having sex for a while after a baby is completely normal. More so when you have had a bad labour / injuries and doing most of the hard slog of day to day parenting.

His language towards you is disgusting. He 'hates' you, he's 'not getting any' (nothing about giving you any pleasure) like its something he is owed and it's his right to receive no matter how shit you feel.

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who only thought of himself, that didn't help with his new baby, and that tried to pressurise his partner into sex she didnt want?

I'm sorry OP he sounds like a complete shit with a twisted view of women

I don't blame you for not having sex with him. It's hardly desirable is it, being blackmailed and pressured into sex. Perhaps if he stopped liking this other woman's instagram posts and stopped sending horrible texts about you, and put that effort into seducing you / massaging you / helping with the kid so you can have a bath and some me time, he may get further?!! Sorry, that can't nice for you to have a traumatic birth experience and then the tiredness and exhaustion of being a new mum, to have this to deal with too.

His seduction technique is spectacularly bad.

I wonder if he got all your attention before you had DD but now he is not the centre of the universe and he is being a spoiled brat about it.

You need to get the fuck off mumsnet and go find yourself a divorce solicitor! Get one who'll take him to the cleaners.

What is the point in him OP?. He sounds horrible. No wonder you don’t want to have sex with him when you have a tiny baby that you look after most of the time!.

Urgh, reading about him made my skin crawl. He is a horrible man. Coercive, blackmailing, bullying, sex pest. I am really saddened to read a handful of replies suggesting you need to do something about being intimate with him! What has happened to Mumsnet. I've often advised none mumsnetters to come to this topic for some reliable advice at recognising red flags for abusive behaviour and now I'm not sure what has happened.

OP, not only is he a sex pest, he is also a useless father. Do you really want to maintain a relationship with this man?

I’m so sorry OP, but he sounds like a real piece of shit. Really, truly horrible. My marriage isn’t perfect but I couldn’t/didn’t want to have sex for 11 months after DC1 was born and my DH never even mentioned it. When I brought it up, he simply said “it’ll happen when you’re ready, don’t worry about it” etc. And he pulled his weight with our newborn. I’m telling you this because this is how decent men behave - and there are many of them out there. I honestly don’t say this lightly but I think you ought to think seriously about whether you actually want a future with someone who would show you such little respect. You deserve so much better

Firstly, I think his comments and so-called jokes are a bloody disgrace and I wouldn't be putting up with that attitude.

Secondly, he may or may not have cheated, you may never know but I would imagine the longer he feels frustrated about the lack of sex at home, the more likely he is to look elsewhere. That is not your fault, you obviously didn't have an easy birth and you haven't felt "up to it" in the last five months, you don't need to be sorry for that though but equally I can understand him missing sex.

Personally what I would do is speak to him, properly speak to him and yes unfortunately I would be letting him know I was aware of the messages; Time to put both of your cards on the table. You can't live like that, feeling pressure and/or wondering what he is up to.

In the long term the best thing to do is have a conversation about it, in the interim however if he makes any further sly digs about no sex, tell him to fuck off.

It still surprises me how low some posters bar is set with some of the advice on here. It's like we are back in 1950,

For reference OP, my daughter is also 5 months old, I didn't have a difficult delivery or a section and we haven't started being intimate again yet either! So you're not doing anything out of the ordinary. Caring for a baby all day is absolutely exhausting, it's such a big change to your life, and it should be a huge change to your husband's life too as he is also a brand new parent, but it seems you're picking up all his slack!

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with him, tell him how tired you are, how much stress your pregnancy and delivery had on your body and that he needs to start ploughing all the energy he's currently using to pester you (and other women) for sex into helping you with the baby and you might have some time and energy to spare!

If things were great in the relationship up until the birth is he having difficulty adjusting to life as a father? Whatever is going on for him, I think his comments are completely unacceptable and cruel.

He says he hates you. Why would you want to have sex with him? 🤷‍♀️