To think DH could/already has cheated

[thelightside]

There's a long backstory but I'll try to keep it short.

Things haven't been great between myself and DH since the birth of our DD, one thing in particular DH struggles with is the fact I'm not ready to have sex again yet. It makes him angry and he will make comments about how it makes him hate me or will joke about how he understands why men cheat.

A few weeks ago I (accidentally) found out DH has taken an interest in one particular woman who he has met through his friend (his friends ex). They are not close, or even friends, and have no spoken for years, but he likes all of her pictures and pretty much everything she posts on social media. She is also the only woman he follows on Instagram (apart from myself). He doesn't even follow his friends or family on there.

I find him doing this weird as he has always made a big deal about how he finds it disrespectful to like pictures/posts from someone of the opposite gender whilst in a relationship and even goes as far to think it's disrespectful to be friends with/follow someone of the opposite sex on social media. I don't agree but as a result of his beliefs neither of us have ever done it, until this incident of course.

I asked him about it as I found it weird, especially after all his comments about cheating and hating me etc, and he said he could see why I would find it strange but it meant nothing.

Fast forward to today, I was out with DSis when she decides to tell me she found a text conversation on her phone from my DH to one of her friends, talking about how "he gets none" and because of this, he has "no self control".

She said she saw the conversation months ago (at the time it had happened, when DH handed her, her phone back) and didn't want to tell me but felt she should, she showed me the messages and I could see parts of the conversation had been deleted. I asked if she had deleted them and she said no and that the messages had been deleted by DH before he gave back the phone.

She asked her friend what DH was saying and her friend had said he was over sharing and being a bit disrespected towards me. DSis has asked me not to tell DH she's told me, and mentioned that he was drunk at the time (he was, I was there but wasn't sitting with them when he was using her phone).

AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about all of this? Am I overreacting? Putting 2 and 2 together makes me feel as though DH could potentially be, if he hasn't been already, unfaithful.

Wwyd in my situation if anything? Would you ignore DSis wishes and confront DH? Or would you watch quietly until you had something a bit more substantial to confront him?

It's a case of chicken and egg though. Maybe his behaviour started when OP refused any sort of physical contact for months. Most likely that's what he would say.

It's not about who 'started it' and justifies one's actions and feelings. He said he hates her, she says he repulses her, only a few months after sharing the previous gift of a child when they were close and in love.

It's catch 22. You don't want sex cos he's being a dick. He's being a sick cos you don't want sex.

Wtaf is wrong with some of the people posting on here? Good grief.

OP, it sounds like you know which advice is to be ignored. Thank goodness!

Your husband, along with lots of posters here, seem to believe the problem is that you don’t have sex with him and the answer is for you to seek a resolution to your lack of sexual desire so that you can give your husband what he wants. Some of the more generous posters are willing to concede that your husband might also need to assist you in finding this resolution 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

That is total bullshit. The problem is that your husband is a misogynistic pig who is verbally and emotionally abusing you, and attempting to coerce you into sex. He is “angry” that you won’t have sex with him. He tells you that he hates you because you won’t have sex with him. He makes veiled threats to cheat on you because you won’t have sex with him. He fails to parent his child. He fails to provide support to his wife who is suffering serious complications of childbirth. He seems to be actively pursuing (at best) attention from other women or (at worst) a full blown sexual affair.

He wants you to have sex with him whether you want to or not. He is happy to have sex with you, knowing that you DO NOT WANT SEX and are simply scared of him cheating, getting angry etc. Just let that sink in. OP, there is a word for men who have sex with unwilling partners. It's not 1900. Women are not obligated to submit their bodies to their husbands.

My DH is not perfect by any means, and neither am I. This is not a brag about how brilliant our life is. This is just a little story to show you that it's not the circumstances that are the problem here, it's your husband. I had a very similar birth experience to you, and my DH never once mentioned sex. His only concern was for my health. We didn't have sex for a LONG time, and even years later things are not easy on that front (still some complications for me) but in all that time he has never pushed me, he's never even mentioned a lack of sex. Any conversations have been initiated by me and have been primarily about my health with the lack of sex being a "side effect" of this. I don't doubt his commitment or his loyalty. This is what a marriage should be; a partnership. What is your husband going to do if your sex life suffers for years, or forever, as it does with many couples after a difficult childbirth experience? 5 months in is absolutely nothing.

This is not something you can fix, OP. You either live like this with this abusive, selfish, sexist man, or HE has to change. A lot.

OP, I feel very sorry for you.
5 month old baby after what sounds like a horrendous birth.

He sounds utterly repulsive. Sorry, but he does.

I don't know how you fix a relationship with someone who is fixated on their needs and disinterested in their new baby and recovering wife.

I hope you have a career to go back to.

If you were my DD or friend I would advise you to prepare to be going it alone.

Get as much support as you can IRL.

Wishing you the best.💐

He really really wants and values sex. Fair enough. But his behaviour is manipulative and threatening and controlling. Not fair enough.

Either you come to some sort of agreement and you start having enough sex to satisfy him or it's not going to work. He'll cheat if he hasn't already. I'm not saying it's right or fair but he'll do it, as my ex did when I didn't want it whilst heavily pregnant.

It's a shit situation OP it really is, especially when you're pouring 99% of yourself into your new little human and healing yourself in sooooo many ways. A lot of men just can't seem to grasp this.

Just don't let him get his rocks off for a few weeks then come back to you (hoping you're "ready now") like he's doing you a favour.

I would not want sex with him either if he was my partner! even without complications. he sounds horrible. You sound very level headed and a reasonable woman - you can do better. Know your worth. your health should be his priority

He sounds very childish and manipulative rather than someone you can rely on who cares for and values you. It’s fair enough to miss intimacy and tell you that but he is trying to manipulate you into sleeping with him- from fear of losing him (I think using your sisters phone may have been on purpose so you’d find out and feel threatened/jealous). What sort of man enjoys sex with his partner who is only doing it because they’ve been manipulated? He should want you to want to have sex with him because you want to not for any other reason. I think he’s gone beyond what I’d say was acceptable and I couldn’t continue a relationship with someone like that. He also should be taking some responsibility that the lack of sex life is also down to him not being kind, loving, patient, making you feel comfortable etc. What is he doing to make you actually want him?

My DH struggled a lot with our first born, struggled to get used to being a father and life in general, and had quite a short fuse over silly little things.
At no point though, did he ever pester me for sex or make me feel as though I was doing him wrong by not having sex with him. We didn’t have sex for months, not just because of the birth, but the inevitable tiredness and shitstorm that is having a new baby. He understood, and he was mentally in a very bad place. This is abusive and hes quite frankly a prize wanker, it would make me want to LTB although I understand that’s harder in real life than said. Don’t take any shit xx

The handmsidens are out in force on this thread.

*handmaidens

There is a massive difference between a man who wishes his wife wanted to have sex, and a man who wants to have sex regardless.

The first is OK, as long as it's done in a way that's not shitty. The second is not. He is saying he'd like to have sex with someone he emotionally abused into it and doesn't want to. He actively wants to have sex with an unwilling partner. There would be no coming back from that for me.

He actively wants to have sex with an unwilling partner.

That's the crux of it, isn't it.

You are both solely focused on yourselves

No, she's focussing on her new daughter. He's focussing on his fucking dick.

He behaves like this and he thinks you’d want to have sex with him?! No wonder you don’t. I think I’d say, “I’m not frigid - you’re just doing your damnedest to make yourself as unappealing as possible.”

I'm not frigid - I just find you very unattractive right now. You are lazy, unhelpful and disrespectful. If you find it hard to understand why those qualities mean that I don't want to have sex with you, then you clearly need to add 'stupid' to the list as well.