To be struggling to parent DS2?

[AliciaWhiskers]

DS2 is 8. For context, DS1 is 10, and has ASD. I split from their dad 3 years ago, and we have a 50/50 shared care arrangement.

DS1 tends to have more meltdowns with me; he holds it together at school and with his dad, but I get the brunt of his meltdowns. As a result, poor DS2 sometimes (for his own safety) gets asked to leave the room, basically so he doesn't have to witness his brother hitting/kicking/punching me. I don't know how else to manage the meltdowns, other than to try and keep DS2 safe.

Unfortunately, sometimes DS1 is also on the edge quite a bit, and this impacts DS2 too. I suspect he feels pushed out, or maybe not as important as DS1, but if I don't deal with DS1, he has a full blown meltdown, and then DS2 has an even harder time.

DS2 is so very different to me. I'm an introvert, I am quiet, I find it difficult when people talk all the time, and I am not very argumentative. DS2, on the other hand, talks almost constantly (which is fine, and I try really hard to keep listening and pay attention and be interested, although sometimes I find this very difficult), is loud and boisterous and in your face. He is also very argumentative. I am sure he will be a politician one day - he will argue that black is white and is certain he is never wrong.

He also gets into some really negative spirals. Today, we walked home (as we do pretty much every day - we live 20 mins walk from school - again for context he is always in the car with his dad as he lives further away), and the whole way home was just this cycle of negativity - I don't want to walk home, I can't do my homework, I want my brother to shut up, I hate you mum, my shoes hurt, I don't want to take my brother to football tonight. And it goes on and on. I don't know how to deal with this - ignoring it makes him feel ignored, and then his behaviour escalates until I talk to him. I try and cheer him up, but that is usually not welcomed. I try and change the subject and talk about something else, but he is just rude and insolent. Honestly, he behaves like he is 13, not 8!

I get that he has the rough end of his brother's behaviour, and I don't really know how to solve that either. I was thinking about family therapy, but I don't want to pathologist something that is probably just part of the normal spectrum of behaviour.

I'm a single mum, so having 121 time with just him is difficult. DS1 dislikes playdates due to his ASD.

I want to parent him better, but I don't know how. I love him, absolutely unconditionally, but I can find him difficult to parent, far more so than DS1 - even though he has more challenging behaviour, he's a bit like me and so I understand him more.

I realise I might get slated on here, but I'm posting because I want to be better, and donning my hard hat incase of insults of what a bad job I'm doing.

No one's going to hurl insults. There but for the grace of God, and all that. I don't know what to suggest, but someone will. Good luck

I don't have any advice but after reading your post I just wanted to give you a few words of kindness;

You're obviously very much intent on putting your children first, that makes you a good mother in and of itself. I am sure others will be able to offer actual advice but in the interim, don't be so hard on yourself, life isn't easy, all any of us can do is our best.

I haven't looked at this guide yet but you might find it useful - it was recommended to me by the Specialist Health Visitor.

researchautism.org/resources/brothers-sisters-and-autism-a-parents-guide/

She also recommended a YouTube video called Amazing Things Happen - again, not gt round to seeing it but it might help.

I think you need to address this as being serious. Your ds1 behaviour is impacting him and he sounds like he is deeply affected and acting out. I would consider play therapy or some sort of therapy.

Can you try a system where the other parent takes ds1 and you have 1 to 1 with ds2 then swap? Even just once in 4 weeks.

I'm sorry things are so tough. One thing that sprang to mind is that when people are feeling negative they often want to feel understood rather than cheered up/ offered solutions. So.im sure you are already trying to do this but perhaps focus on listening/understanding/empathising his point of view if you can. Ahaparenting is a great website that can explain it better than me. Also- is splitting the children with dad so that you have one each occasionally for special time a possibility?

I haven't spoken to their Dad about it recently, but the last time I suggested split time (ie he has one child and I have the other for a weekend/day) he said absolutely no. I can but try and ask again though

Thanks for the website suggestions, will take a look at those later.

@Applesanbananas yes, play therapy could be as an alternative to family therapy. I've looked into family therapy and they wanted us all to go as a family as a whole (including their Dad). I didn't ask him if he would be willing to do that, but I suspect he wouldn't. He struggled enough allowing DS1 to have an ASD assessment, I think discussing the possibility of family therapy would horrify him

@nutbrownhare15 yes, I did listen initially today and said he sounded overwhelmed and that sounded really hard for him. He then started hitting his brother, and it went downhill from there...

I don't think you're doing a bad job.

Some good advice given here already. My tuppenceworth:

ignoring it
try and cheer him up
change the subject

Another possible strategy to try would be just basically listening and validating his feelings. "I'm sorry to hear that." "Tell me more about that" "That does sound rubbish, I think most people would be annoyed" "Do you want a hug?"

Side note: do his shoes fit? Uncomfortable shoes really can spoil your day.

Aaargh X post

He may benefit from an ASD sibling support group. It was a life saver for my friends daughter. Different circumstances as she was the one being hit by her brother and find it difficult with the amount of attention her brother required. If you look on the National Autistic Society might be a good place for suggestions of groups in your area. Good luck

@Tvci5 ah, thanks, I'll look into that. I wonder what age they can go from? I'll check it out - thanks

Have you read ‘How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk?’. It’s really good and I’ve used it’s suggestions successfully on moaning and general negativity.

@SheShriekedShrilly - not for ages. I've probably still got it somewhere so will try and dig it out!

We have a very similar set up, (older DS9 ASD and younger very wilful extroverted DS5, but with two quite introverted parents).

I have no answers. It's really very hard with 2 kids with such different needs.

Discipline and behaviour tools which worked for DS1 go down like a fart in a lift with DS2. we're working on our relationship with both and hoping we can make some changes slowly. Unmumsnetty hugs.

If you can’t get 1-1 time easily, just trying to connect with your younger ds when you get the chance will help. Really trying to be present when you interact with him. I know it’s hard, but the ordinary everyday interactions are as good an opportunity to connect as the planned days out. A few meaningful moments a day can mean so much. Is he able to talk about how he feels having a sibling with asd? It is hard for him and he hopefully will feel a bit better if he can express that and if you validate those emotions.

I think one thing we've realised / reflected on is that we're not meeting DS2's needs for interaction, movement and socialising sufficiently. So he's going to do a few more clubs/ activities to be able to seperate them. Much harder to do as a single parent but there might be an activity someone could take DS2 to.

YANBU at all. I have DS1 (ASD, 8) and DS2 (5). DS1 behaves very much the same as your DS1, but his physical attacks are aimed at his brother. The only way to survive is for DH and I is to parent 1:1 So I feel for you not being able to get exH on board. I would definately ask again.

Otherwise have you looked at clubs for DS1 to attend? Mencap have set up a Saturday club and our local ASD society runs one as well. DS1 attends cubs which seems to be the most inclusive. On a Sunday morning, they do junior park run which is an activity they can do together but apart. I am lucky in that DS1 attends a SS and gets the bus so DS2 and I manage to get a little time together walking to school.

I do think groups for siblings are a really good idea. I worry that DS2 does have a rough ride and struggles to express himself. He has a tendency to go off on random whined too. Ds1 is our talker and it does my head in. I sympathise there.

Coould you play an audiobook or music while walking?
I thimk you do need to ensure they get 1-2-1 time. But not even that just time to play at home by themselves if they are both challanging to be around they may need some space.
But he may just be tired from school

Coming from a different angle, but is there any way you could look at reducing your DS1's meltdowns at home? Have you spoken to his school teacher, Senco, identified the triggers or contacted NAS for advice?

Are there other members of your family that could stay with DS1 at home so you can take DS2 out for some time with you 1:1?

@DustyFireplace we have about 30 minutes a day alone time together, which is usually spent with us snuggled up in bed and me reading to him, but I guess I could ask him if he would rather do something else in that time so it's our special time together. DS1 is on screens at that point so rarely disturbs us.

He has expressed how he feels having an ASD sibling - he feels it is really unfair and that he misses out on a lot of things. I feel so sad for him that he feels that way.

@JADS I hadn't thought about more groups for DS1. At the moment he does football, which he really enjoys, and is one evening in the week and every saturday morning. I've suggested cubs/scouts but he wasn't interested.

@ShawshanksRedemption he struggles with lots of things that trigger emotional struggles/meltdowns. One of them, unfortunately, is moving from one house to the other, which he finds really difficult. So often he comes back to me already triggered. Transitions for him are hard.

Does he have any support with that transition, e.g. visual timetable, now/next/later board, timer to count down etc.? If not, that might help him prepare each time. You could also do a social story about living in two houses, maybe? Sorry if you already do these things!

Another really bad morning here. Walking to school, DS2 is on a negative again.

I really struggle with him always thinking that he is right. Do I correct him? It annoys me that he states things as if they are facts, when actually they are just his opinions, and often they are wrong. An example would be walking to school this morning, I know roughly how long it takes from a particular place we pass during the journey to get to the school. DS2 says "we are going to be late. It takes 5-10 minutes from here". It actually takes less than 2 minutes from that particular place. Do I correct him? Do I let him think he is right, when he is wrong? Do I try and make it into a game so we count it and see how long it actually takes? This I just one example, but it happens several times a day. It drives me mad. Not because I have to be right, but because I don't know if allowing him to think he is right when he isn't is the right thing to do. But if I correct him all the time, that's probably not good for him either.

As we get to school, DS1 (who has been quiet most of the way because DS2 has been talking) wants to tell me something in private. DS2 doesn't want this to happen. I ask for 1 minute with DS1 so I can find out what he wants to say, and DS2 goes into school without saying goodbye.

I just feel such a useless mother, and that so many of my interactions with DS2 are poor quality/negative, even though I try really hard.