To be struggling to parent DS2?

[AliciaWhiskers]

DS2 is 8. For context, DS1 is 10, and has ASD. I split from their dad 3 years ago, and we have a 50/50 shared care arrangement.

DS1 tends to have more meltdowns with me; he holds it together at school and with his dad, but I get the brunt of his meltdowns. As a result, poor DS2 sometimes (for his own safety) gets asked to leave the room, basically so he doesn't have to witness his brother hitting/kicking/punching me. I don't know how else to manage the meltdowns, other than to try and keep DS2 safe.

Unfortunately, sometimes DS1 is also on the edge quite a bit, and this impacts DS2 too. I suspect he feels pushed out, or maybe not as important as DS1, but if I don't deal with DS1, he has a full blown meltdown, and then DS2 has an even harder time.

DS2 is so very different to me. I'm an introvert, I am quiet, I find it difficult when people talk all the time, and I am not very argumentative. DS2, on the other hand, talks almost constantly (which is fine, and I try really hard to keep listening and pay attention and be interested, although sometimes I find this very difficult), is loud and boisterous and in your face. He is also very argumentative. I am sure he will be a politician one day - he will argue that black is white and is certain he is never wrong.

He also gets into some really negative spirals. Today, we walked home (as we do pretty much every day - we live 20 mins walk from school - again for context he is always in the car with his dad as he lives further away), and the whole way home was just this cycle of negativity - I don't want to walk home, I can't do my homework, I want my brother to shut up, I hate you mum, my shoes hurt, I don't want to take my brother to football tonight. And it goes on and on. I don't know how to deal with this - ignoring it makes him feel ignored, and then his behaviour escalates until I talk to him. I try and cheer him up, but that is usually not welcomed. I try and change the subject and talk about something else, but he is just rude and insolent. Honestly, he behaves like he is 13, not 8!

I get that he has the rough end of his brother's behaviour, and I don't really know how to solve that either. I was thinking about family therapy, but I don't want to pathologist something that is probably just part of the normal spectrum of behaviour.

I'm a single mum, so having 121 time with just him is difficult. DS1 dislikes playdates due to his ASD.

I want to parent him better, but I don't know how. I love him, absolutely unconditionally, but I can find him difficult to parent, far more so than DS1 - even though he has more challenging behaviour, he's a bit like me and so I understand him more.

I realise I might get slated on here, but I'm posting because I want to be better, and donning my hard hat incase of insults of what a bad job I'm doing.

What a lovely update, well done. It can't be easy to add this to your list when you're stretched so thinly. Good parenting, that.

After such a lovely day yesterday, we are struggling again today. Thursdays tend to be bad days, not entirely sure why. Will try to see if he does PE or anything on a Thursday that adds to his tiredness.

This afternoon, he spat on me because he was frustrated that DS1 and I were talking.

I feel lost with this.

Ages ago, he was getting really angry at school, and I called the Young Minds helpline, spoke to a retired child psychiatrist, who suggested family therapy. I've looked into it, and we would have to do it with the boys' Dad as well. We have been divorced for 3 years, and don't get on all that well. I had to battle to get him to agree for DS1 to be assessed for ASD. I can't imagine what he would say if I suggest family therapy for us all (I'd hate it but I'd do it for the kids if I thought it would help).

Am I just pathologising the kids? Is this just normal stuff and I'm looking too deeply? It feels like our family need help, and he seems unhappy, but I don't know how to help him.

I don't think you're pathologising, something is clearly amiss.

It's not a straight upward line from chat to happily-ever-after. You helped him open up about his frustrations and today perhaps he felt a bit more free to show them? Spitting is obviously not ok, I'm thinking generally.

Is there any kind of respite care you could access, or babysitters you trust with DS1 to take him places while you spend extra doing-nothing time with DS2?

You must be at the end of your rope, it makes it difficult to see that DS2 might be acting as a kind of canary in the mine for the hassles your family is facing.

Is there any kind of respite care you could access, or babysitters you trust with DS1 to take him places while you spend extra doing-nothing time with DS2?

It's a bit of a catch 22. I could ask someone else to have DS1, but it tends to trigger a meltdown because he's not been with me...

it makes it difficult to see that DS2 might be acting as a kind of canary in the mine for the hassles your family is facing

True. That's the role I often played in my own family too. And it doesn't make it any easier to know how to deal with it!

I could ask someone else to have DS1, but it tends to trigger a meltdown because he's not been with me...

Sorry no personal ASD experience but...
It sounds to me like you are in a habit of feeling DS1 needs you more due to his SEN.

Perhaps a mindset shift would help. DS1 needs you differently.

You cannot just put DS2's needs lower all the time simply because his needs don't involve a diagnosis. He is only 8 years old.

Eg maybe DS2 is having his equivalent of a meltdown, but its not making you drop everything the way DS1's ASD meltdowns perhaps do.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland yes, you are probably right. I need to figure out a way to try and allow them to both feel supported.

*Is there any kind of respite care you could access, or babysitters you trust with DS1 to take him places while you spend extra doing-nothing time with DS2?

It's a bit of a catch 22. I could ask someone else to have DS1, but it tends to trigger a meltdown because he's not been with me...*

Honestly, this is the issue. You're too concerned with DS1's needs to effect that DS2 is kicked to the curb. DS2 probably knows he can't ask you to do anything with you because DS1 comes first anyway.

This is going to sound harsh, but I think it's something to really consider from your previous posts. I think the constant going between houses is hugely detrimental for DS1. It isn't in his best interests. We all know how important routine is in ASD, and it's no wonder he's upset when his routine is changed every week. It might be what you and your ex want, but it honestly doesn't benefit him. I think he should live with the parent who can handle his meltdowns the best. Then rotationally, the other parent can take him out X days but he is returned for bedtime so everything is consistent. Then, maybe once a month the other parent has him for the week as you do now. At least the disruption is limited to once a month and the parent who has him still gets a break. This can also apply for any hospital appointments, etc if the resident parent needs time.

You say DS2 says about living with his dad- why can't he? Why can't his "base" be there? If you have DS1 and he has DS2, they might actually enjoy their time together more if they have time apart. DS2 can feel listened to and like his needs are met, while also not having to witness tantrums which will get worse as DS1 gets older unless work starts now on how to improve the situation. He will be able to focus on homework better. He can still come stay with you, but at least he would get a week or two of respite a month.

As I said, I know that'll sound harsh. But it's worth thinking about if things perhaps get worse. You can't burn a candle at both ends and you also have to think about yourself, too. Think of it this way, when you and your ex were together, you had two parents to parent two kids. Now, it's one parent for two kids. And when one has ASD it can sometimes feel like you can only cope 1 on 1. It doesn't leave a lot of your energy left for DS2. At least if you split the load, you can be a better mum to both boys in terms of the energy you can offer. You won't be drained. It's clear you love both your boys, so there should be no shame in them potentially living apart, even until DS1's tantrums improve and DS2 grows up a bit and understands things a bit more. I know it took me until I was in my late teens to fully understand why things had to be a certain way.

I'd definitely reccomend using respite care, though. Especially while he's young. My mum didn't and it's probably too late now as the tantrum will be too dangerous as he's a grown man. Don't leave yourself in a precarious situation like that. It's much easier to get into a routine now while he's small and the tantrum can be managed, as opposed to 8 years down the line where you genuinely are at risk of serious injury. You always have to look after yourself first.

@PepePig thanks for your post. I will have a long think about what you have said. My immediate thought is that my ex would NEVER agree to it. He has insisted on a 50:50 split since we split up. Because that, to him, is "fair". I've kind of been holding out for the time that the kids are old enough to be able to choose for themselves where they stay, because then it's not me vs their dad (it was an EA relationship, and the split hasn't been easy. ExH refused to leave the marital home because he said he "Wasn't going to make it easy for me" to leave him. I'm not making excuses, I'm just trying to explain what he is like).

I will have a very hard think about what you have said. Thanks.

Also OP chin up, you are trying your best. Its so hard juggling kids needs. Ive just had to leave DS at home for 2 weeks to stay in hospital with DD and its so stressful feeling there is no right balance. You are aware there are things to work on and thats the most important thing.