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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have got up with the toddler?

56 replies

Dumptyhumpty101 · 07/11/2019 00:49

DH works 5 days a week, I work 3 days - Monday, Wednesday & Thursday.

Toddler has a cold and hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Monday night was awful but I don’t work on a Tuesday so I spent hours up with her.

Tuesday, DH declares he’ll get up with toddler if she wakes that night but she sleeps through.

Fast forward to now, toddler wakes up and is calling out. I ask him to go into her as it’s always me, and he’d said he’d do it yesterday but didn’t have to.

Apparently I’m a selfish cow, he is trying to hold down a proper job. I should help him out and not just take. He had a bad nights sleep last night, had been awake since 11 tonight (how was I to know, I was asleep) and has an evening meeting tomorrow.

So, am I selfish? Should I have just got up with toddler?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 07/11/2019 00:51

No you're not selfish, it was his turn. Sounds like over tired stress talking though, unless he has form?

QueenoftheDay · 07/11/2019 00:51

I think that it’s not ideal. But from someone in the same situation, you’re both knackered and stressed and in the thick of it. Sometimes you say things in the dead of night when your sleep is interrupted (again) that you don’t really mean

WagtailRobin · 07/11/2019 00:53

You're not selfish, don't let him convince you otherwise but in fairness he was obviously just tired and we all say things we don't really mean from time to time.

Original poster
Dumptyhumpty101 · 07/11/2019 00:55

He was being so horrible to me that I’m sitting on the sofa crying, perhaps pregnancy hormones are affecting me on that one. Dd is still crying out so he has stormed downstairs to try a bottle of milk and laid into me a load more, saying the same things about how selfish I am.

He really doesn’t cope well with being woken up normally but this is next level.

OP posts:
QueenoftheDay · 07/11/2019 01:21

Nah fuck that. That’s not ok.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/11/2019 01:09

Did he apologise today OP?

Original poster
Dumptyhumpty101 · 08/11/2019 08:47

Nope, never said a word to me all day. I was in bed when he got home from work though.

He slept on the sofa, which isn’t unusual tbh, got in the shower this morning and then left for work again whilst I had my shower. As far as I am aware he didn’t need to be in early today.

He clearly still thinks I am the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
Dinosaurrawr · 08/11/2019 08:52

“Proper job” I’d hit the roof at that to be honest.

I would ask him to explain precisely why he feels his sleep / job is more important than yours and why he feels he is less responsible for your child.

My DH will sometimes behave with a similar attitude, it just seems to be so entrenched that he / his work is the priority even though he would say he knows it isn’t. I call him on it every single time without fail and it is improving.

Original poster
Dumptyhumpty101 · 08/11/2019 09:05

@Dinosaurrawr oh he told me why his job is a proper job. He has meetings to attend and clients to satisfy who will be on his case!

The worst part is, we work together and I did the exact same role as him but it’s recently been changed to more of a problem solving role as I’m only part time.

When we were the same, my job was still insignificant to his because I earn less, only did it three days a week even though I had the same workload but with less hours and was still trying to run a house and raise a child!

OP posts:
AmIThough · 08/11/2019 09:14

Was he already awake too?
If so, it's his turn.
If not, it's a bit shitty to wake him if you're already awake.

Jeezoh · 08/11/2019 09:16

If he’s going to work today and you’re not, it’s your turn - that’s how we do it in my house. No excuse for how he spoke to you though.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 09:17

Although it’s true that he is probably tired and stressed out, I would have to be having a serious conversation about the underlying attitude. I would want to understand what it is about looking after a toddler and bearing his baby he believes is “taking”, and why he thinks my working three days at his job and the rest in the home doesn’t equate to a job.

SlackerMum1 · 08/11/2019 09:24

One of the most helpful things I ever saw on MN was a poster who basically said in response to a v similar situation... ‘it’s hard as your both exhausted & stressed and desperate for the other person to cut you some slack, but there isn’t any as they feel just the same’. May or may not apply i your situation but deep breaths and remembering the wisdom of that has definitely helped!

Jellybeansincognito · 08/11/2019 09:24

He doesn’t have any respect for you.
You can’t change that.

blackteasplease · 08/11/2019 09:24

Ah I had one of these . A “I’ll do as much as I decide I can manage, you do everything else no matter how much that is”. I never managed to make him realise that was selfish!

Osirus · 08/11/2019 09:26

As you’re not working the next day, you should definitely have done it. It is a bit selfish otherwise.

He shouldn’t have got so mad at you, but he probably feels it should have been you (he’s right) and didn’t communicate it to you in the right way.

YABU.

Herewegoagain84 · 08/11/2019 09:51

Those saying that if OP wasn’t working the next day should have got up suggests that SAHMs should do all the night wakings and the working partner isn’t responsible for childcare due to work commitments?

pudcat · 08/11/2019 09:56

I don't understand how you can leave your child crying to prove a point to your DH. You are not going to work today and why wake him up if you were awake.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 10:01

This is illuminating, isn’t it?

Meshy23 · 08/11/2019 10:02

You should have woken up - presumably you also got sleep on the Tuesday.

His job isn’t more important than yours but.. you can nap during the day and don’t have to stay awake for meetings.

But he should be doing childcare from the minute he gets Through the door to when he sleeps and weekends. And should treat you with more respect

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 10:09

Have people been on the gin this morning? The OP is pregnant with a toddler and works out of the home three days a week. She does (usually) ALL the wakings with the toddler. She asked her manchild DH to do it once and he’s thrown a giant wobbler, questioning her input to their whole family.

Internalised misogyny lives on, doesn’t it?

OneForTheRoadThen · 08/11/2019 10:10

Were you working the next day? If not I think you should have got up. We've always done it that way and it feels fair. We each get a night off and a lie in the next day over the weekend.

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:12

Those saying that if OP wasn’t working the next day should have got up suggests that SAHMs should do all the night wakings and the working partner isn’t responsible for childcare due to work commitments?

well, kind of. During the working week, I was MY responsibility when I was on maternity leave - so basically staying at home.

If DH has a week off, and I am the one going to work, he handles the childcare. I would be pretty pissed off I was expected to go to to work AND be up all night when he can have a leisurely day but stays in bed.

In a normal relationship though, you help out. You don't keep score, it should just happen naturally. I can't imagine having a spreadsheet to keep track of who was up and how more often than the other, that's just shit.

But expecting the one who doesn't go to work the following day to get up at night? Pretty normal. It doesn't matter if it's mum or dad!

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:14

But he should be doing childcare from the minute he gets Through the door to when he sleeps and weekends.

so work full time and do childcare the rest of the time? Why is the working parent not allowed time off at all exactly?

Replace father by (working) "partner" in a lesbian relationship if it makes it easier for you to think about what is fair and reasonable.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 10:15

But expecting the one who doesn't go to work the following day to get up at night? Pretty normal. It doesn't matter if it's mum or dad!

It might be normal. It’s still outrageously unfair when “not going to work” doesn’t mean sitting on your backside watching Netflix. Hmm