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Original poster

Should I have got up with the toddler?

56 replies

Dumptyhumpty101 · 07/11/2019 00:49

DH works 5 days a week, I work 3 days - Monday, Wednesday & Thursday.

Toddler has a cold and hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Monday night was awful but I don’t work on a Tuesday so I spent hours up with her.

Tuesday, DH declares he’ll get up with toddler if she wakes that night but she sleeps through.

Fast forward to now, toddler wakes up and is calling out. I ask him to go into her as it’s always me, and he’d said he’d do it yesterday but didn’t have to.

Apparently I’m a selfish cow, he is trying to hold down a proper job. I should help him out and not just take. He had a bad nights sleep last night, had been awake since 11 tonight (how was I to know, I was asleep) and has an evening meeting tomorrow.

So, am I selfish? Should I have just got up with toddler?

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 08/11/2019 10:15

But he should be doing childcare from the minute he gets Through the door to when he sleeps and weekends. And should treat you with more respect

The respect bit, I agree with. But surely it needs to be shared when born are at home.

MindatWork · 08/11/2019 10:19

Who should or shouldn’t have got up is a complete red herring here OP.

The fact that he spoke to you like that and obviously has no respect for you or what you do would be my major concern. How is he going to behave with a toddler AND a
baby?

Praiseyou · 08/11/2019 10:23

Tbh if my dh refused to get up with toddler and then while I was dealing with toddler, he got up sat on the sofa and went on his phone, I would be apoplectic. If you're awake anyway, why not get up.

I don't think you should get up every night or that his job is more important than yours but in these circumstances, I think ywbu.

Danni91 · 08/11/2019 10:25

Did you go downstairs to sit on the sofa leaving the toddler crying ? If I understand that right then yes I do think that's very selfish of you.

No the way he spoke to you isnt ok, but we have all done it in the throws of a sleepless night I'm sure so try not to dwell too much if you can (though hopefully he will apologise)

Does toddler wake often still or is it just because they are poorly at the moment?

Starryskye · 08/11/2019 10:25

I'd have asked him then when seeing he was tired I would apologise and go to my DD. Just like my partner does for me when I need it. Shouldn't be resentful that he didn't need to get up with her yesterday

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:25

It’s still outrageously unfair when “not going to work” doesn’t mean sitting on your backside watching Netflix.

why not? For many of us, staying home - maternity leave or other - is a lot more leisurely and chilled than going to work. Even with other kids who need to go to school and so on, you can still have a very lazy day.

it's not such hardship to look after your own baby and toddler, and a lot less tiring than doing a day in the office.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2019 10:35

Oh you're pregnant aswell, what a selfish prick, this statement would really bother me too :

Apparently I’m a selfish cow, he is trying to hold down a proper job

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 10:36

it's not such hardship to look after your own baby and toddler, and a lot less tiring than doing a day in the office.

I’ve done both, so I don’t think you’re in the position to tell me that. It depends on your job and your children, as well as a host of other factors.

But that’s hardly the point. When I worked FT my job was twice as hard as my husband’s, and I didn’t make him do all the domestic work to make up for it. 🙄

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/11/2019 10:37

Do you look after your toddler on your days off or are they in nursery? If you're looking after your toddler then it's not exactly restful (though you might be able to nap?). Whatever the rights and wrongs, he shouldn't be speaking to you like that, and if you are pregnant (not sure I read your post right?) then he should be trying to support you and that might mean getting up sometimes so you can have a rest, even if he has a Big Important Job to do.

I do think it's best to decide who's getting up the night before though otherwise everyone gets grumpy etc

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/11/2019 10:38

The proper job but would fuck me off. Does he not think looking after a toddler for 2 days is a proper job? Would he rather you were full time and toddler was in child care full time?

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:38

When I worked FT my job was twice as hard as my husband’s, and I didn’t make him do all the domestic work to make up for it.

but did he make YOU do all the domestic work the minute you walked through the door after he was home all day so HE could have a rest?

that's the point here...

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/11/2019 10:39

Getting up once in the night isn't all the domestic work

ThatMuppetShow · 08/11/2019 10:41

Getting up once in the night isn't all the domestic work

you can't have it both ways... either it IS hard work, and the one who isn't working is the most reasonable choice
or it IS NOT and what are people complaining about...

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 10:46

Getting up once in the night isn't all the domestic work

I know that. The logic, however, seems to be - completely arbitrarily - that all the night wakings should be her concern because her husband’s job in the day - nonsensically - is judged to be harder even though none of us know what it actually is. I am simply applying the same logic; my job was more difficult than my DH’s, therefore he should have done everything else. Random, but fair according to some of the bollocks being trotted out on here.

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 10:47

but did he make YOU do all the domestic work the minute you walked through the door after he was home all day so HE could have a rest?

I might be being thick here, but was that what the OP said she did? I thought she asked her DH - whose job has been claimed to be harder than hers even though I don’t think we know what it is - to get up once in the night.

Straycatstrut · 08/11/2019 10:51

Just set a rule whoever got up with her last time, it's the others turn next time. Don't complicate it, who needs or deserves the sleep more, it just adds a load of extra stress. Important meetings blah blah what about single mums? We have to get up every night with the kids, and head off to work the next day no matter what we have going on there all week every week, and weekends.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 08/11/2019 10:54

It's not binary, there doesnt have to be one rule that whoever has the 'easier' job, has to do all the night wakings. Especially if the OP does the majority of the night wakings anyway, is still tired from a horrific night a few nights ago, and still has to get through 3 days at work, and needs a bit of extra rest because she is pregnant- I dont think in those circumstances its unreasonable for her husband to get up one night!

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 08/11/2019 11:17

It was literally ONCE and he couldn't be arsed, so he hurled abuse at OP. What a dickhead. That's not okay and YANBU.

EKGEMS · 08/11/2019 12:17

Slackermom He is being verbally and emotionally abusive deep breathing and meditation is irrelevant

EKGEMS · 08/11/2019 12:19

Osirus She's pregnant and is usually the one who gets up first do you also think the verbal abuse was warranted?

Whattodoabout · 08/11/2019 12:20

So yours is what, a fake job because you ‘only’ work three days a week? I’d be most fuming about that remark tbh.

He sounds like a lazy entitled sod. He doesn’t get to sign out of parenting just because he works more hours than you.

EKGEMS · 08/11/2019 12:21

Churchandstate Some of these PP are lost causes if they can call a pregnant woman selfish because she asked the father to get up one damn time and he goes batshit and abuses her. We are wasting our time

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 12:25

EKGEMS

Noooooo. They can’t be. Lost to reason is lost indeed. 😂

HenSolo · 08/11/2019 12:28

Have people been on the gin this morning? The OP is pregnant with a toddler and works out of the home three days a week. She does (usually) ALL the wakings with the toddler. She asked her manchild DH to do it once and he’s thrown a giant wobbler, questioning her input to their whole family.

Just like to highlight this comment again. She’s pregnant on top of everything else!

He’s being horrid.

Just waiting for the usual gang of ‘but what if dh is a heart surgeon he can’t possibly get up at night’ as if that excuses the verbal abuse

churchandstate · 08/11/2019 12:37

Just waiting for the usual gang of ‘but what if dh is a heart surgeon he can’t possibly get up at night’ as if that excuses the verbal abuse

Yes. He’ll be a heart surgeon or a pilot, and the handmaids will assume he never goes out for a drink (thus losing sleep) or stays up late to watch The Walking Dead. No. He will always prioritise sleep. And the OP must prioritise his sleep, too.

I suspect half the people on this thread are actually my MIL.

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