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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell boss about office rumour (that he caused)

70 replies

preferteatocoffee · 06/11/2019 23:39

So this is a tricky one. I work in tech, in a reasonably male dominated industry. As a start-up there was a significant amount of "lads banter" which has toned down over the years.

I've recently become aware of a nasty rumour circulating about a co-worker. Basically that she was primarily hired because of her looks. The rumour started because the person who hired her (one of our most senior leaders) allegedly texted a former member of staff saying something like "totally my type, shame she's married , I'll wear her down".

I dont think this rumour (that she was hired because of looks) is true. But wouldn't be shocked if the text existed.

I have a great relationship with this senior leader. But am really disappointed in him. Both for the misogynist comment and for being so stupid as to text it to someone.

So should I tell him that he's effectively started this rumour? I feel like I should but...

OP posts:

Pantsomime · 06/11/2019 23:46

You can’t believe rumours you need facts before you get upset. Ask him straight have you texted .... then you’ll get the true answer hopefully at which point you can take issue with correct person

overnightangel · 06/11/2019 23:48

Have you seen the text????

victorioussponges · 06/11/2019 23:59

In this situation I'm not sure that he can put it right, unless the text was made up? I'd therefore probably stay out of it and hope it runs out of steam, as most office rumours seem to at some point, once it becomes clear that nothing juicy is actually going to happen!

Original poster

preferteatocoffee · 07/11/2019 00:16

Sorry to be clear. I have not seen a text. Just heard the rumour.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/11/2019 00:20

Stop gossiping. It isn’t professional.

MustShowDH · 07/11/2019 00:20

Don't be the messenger, you may get shot!

Obviouslynotobvious · 07/11/2019 00:21

I would speak up about that yes.

dollyandshirl · 07/11/2019 06:39

I'd say nothing to the boss, From past office banter you think it might be true in which case you're not telling him something he doesn't already know. If its untrue you're over-invested in the gossip, don't be the messenger. And the gossiper sounds envious of the woman, shes attractive and favoured by the boss.

In the grand scheme of things its really not that bad, an iffy text. Bosses get up to all sorts, one using his PA as a human shield when his DB stormed in to batter him because he'd discovered boss was fucking his SIL was particularly memorable but not the worst behaviour I've seen by an employer.

I would pointedly ask the person/people who gossiped if they'd seen the text, and remark that spreading rumours about the people who hire & fire them is a bad idea. Shut it down that way.

Candace19 · 07/11/2019 06:41

Nope I would go about my business & stay out of unnecessary drama. Not your circus etc.

Gigi178 · 07/11/2019 06:43

I wouldn't get involved personally.

Beautiful3 · 07/11/2019 06:59

No don't say anything, stop gossiping.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/11/2019 07:06

Is she a good worker? If so she was hired because she is competent. The fact that she's attractive is extra. Men will talk about attractive colleagues. Women will also talk about attractive colleagues.

I don't think there is any truth to the rumour. It's just talk. Unless she has zero relevant skills and you have noticed the boss bring extra attentive to her then there is nothing to discuss.

If you see the message rather than hear about it, then you might have a case to go to the boss and tell him he might land himself in a bit of trouble if the text gets sent around the office. Plenty of examples of employees getting into bother for ranking the attractiveness of their colleagues in group chats.

FamilyOfAliens · 07/11/2019 07:10

That comment, if true, is disgusting and rapey (“wear her down”, ffs).

But just imagine if it’s not true. It’s a risky allegation to make with no evidence.

BikeRunSki · 07/11/2019 07:12

You have no evidence. If I’d seen the text and had screen shots, then I’d totally call him out (I also work in a male dominated industry, and can really do without that sh*t), but without evidence, it’s just Chinese whispers.

Happygoldfinch · 07/11/2019 07:16

Don't do anything.

ThatMuppetShow · 07/11/2019 07:18

You do realise that YOU are the one gossiping right now? You are just as part of the problem as everybody else involved.

Fleetheart · 07/11/2019 07:19

Nothing to do with you, why are you getting involved?

AmIThough · 07/11/2019 07:21

Are you on a similar level to him or are you friends outside of work?

If not don't say anything and stop getting involved is gossip.

SunshineDays2019 · 07/11/2019 07:23

Drop your pearls, and keep out of it!

Loveislandaddict · 07/11/2019 07:30

Don’t do anything without actual evidence.

I fairly new member of staff has said a couple of things recently, one which was untrue, and one she overheard, so already has become known as the office gossip (and not to be trusted).

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/11/2019 07:33

I'd keep out of this.

Not your circus or monkeys - don't make it yours.

Bluntness100 · 07/11/2019 07:34

Oh for good ness sake. I'm sure she was hired for her skill set and this is just some crap mysogynistic lads banter.

I work in a male dominated industry and when I started was in my late twenties. The rumour was the same about me. In fact one idiot even said, so which one of leadership fancied you then? I just laughed it off. People got over it quickly, trust me. As I'm very capable.

Just let it go.

yy558 · 07/11/2019 07:36

Keep out of it.

But its worrying you care more about his appearance than the lady herself.....

YabaDabaBoo · 07/11/2019 07:39

Mind your own business. If you’d seen the text yourself, you could have said something. As it stands, it’s a rumour.

Anotherlongdrive · 07/11/2019 07:39

I have a great relationship with this senior leader. But am really disappointed in him. Both for the misogynist comment and for being so stupid as to text it to someone.

So you decided he definitely sent this text?

Odd thing to do about someone you have a great relationship with. Surely if you know him that well you either knew he was a misogynist and prick (so wouldn't be surprised or disappointed) or you know he isnt like that and would be doubting the story.

If you must tell him. Tell him in a way that's more like 'there's a rumour going round that you sent this text to someone. Now everyone is saying Satah was only hired because you fancy her. Though you should know someone is making you look unprofessional'.

The fact that you have assumed he definitely did this (even your title says he started it) is perhaps the attitude lots of people adopt in your office. Believing everything they are told. That's why the gossip is rife.

If you have a good relationship, why arent you worried this makes him look like a dick?

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