AIBU to tell boss about office rumour (that he caused)

[preferteatocoffee]

So this is a tricky one. I work in tech, in a reasonably male dominated industry. As a start-up there was a significant amount of "lads banter" which has toned down over the years.

I've recently become aware of a nasty rumour circulating about a co-worker. Basically that she was primarily hired because of her looks. The rumour started because the person who hired her (one of our most senior leaders) allegedly texted a former member of staff saying something like "totally my type, shame she's married , I'll wear her down".

I dont think this rumour (that she was hired because of looks) is true. But wouldn't be shocked if the text existed.

I have a great relationship with this senior leader. But am really disappointed in him. Both for the misogynist comment and for being so stupid as to text it to someone.

So should I tell him that he's effectively started this rumour? I feel like I should but...

As others have said, don't get involved unless you have concrete evidence.

I worked somewhere, where in my first week a woman from another department said to me "I can see why he (my boss) hired you'. I had no idea WTF she meant but found out later she applied for the position as an internal candidate and was turned down. I imagine I was gossip fodder.

Keep out and don't feed the office rumour mil.

Why on earth are you considering getting involved in this?

So this is a tricky one

Not really. What did the rumour spreader say when you challenged them for evidence? And pointed out that without evidence they are spreading gossip to undermine the female employee?

Another vote for keeping your beak out as you have no evidence whatsoever. People who rush in, bellowing with self-righteousness, over rumours which turn out to be either completely untrue or impossible to prove, make themselves look like idiots. People who concern-troll with a clammy hand on the arm and an 'I just thought you ought to know' tend to be despised as officious gossips.

If this boss does have an inappropriate attitude towards this woman, and begins to behave inappropriately towards her, then it's up to her to complain about him - and if she speaks to you about having difficulties with him, that is the time for you to get involved and to offer her support. Until then, get on with your work.

Stay out of it. Whatever happens it will damage you.

Keep your beak out of it otherwise it won't end well.

It wouldn't surpise me at all if that text had been sent/those comments had been made. I was a PA for a long time and have seen it all in terms of sexism and mysogny.

I would absolutely let him know the rumour exists. Even if it's not true he needs to be supporting the woman

I wouldn't report it. Instead I'd do two things. Firstly I would make sure I always tell the woman in question what a good job she is doing. She may well have heard the rumour herself, and just having somebody remind her how good her work is could be really important to her.

Secondly I would have some facts ready about how good she is at her job to put back to people everytime you hear this rumour again eg "don't be ridiculous. Have you not see how well she does Y?" or "that's stupid. She led the project on Z and did an outstanding job. That's why she was hired".

What do you suppose the boss will do to correct this. Send out an email explaining it isn’t true, wouldn’t that be a bit embarrassing for your colleague.
Best you can do is turn the gossip round ask do you really think x would jeopardise the business by hiring someone that can’t do the job and see how they respond to that, otherwise just don’t partake it in. It’ll eventually die a death.

What is the effect of the rumour on your female colleague? Does she know? Does she mind?

If I was to say anything, I’d start there.

I'd say nothing. Office gossip and rumours aren't worth getting involved in.

Alleged text sounds like a bad joke & I wouldn't take it seriously.

Ignore and delete, like all malicious office spam.

Honestly, leave it.
The messenger always get shot.

It's shit, but no I wouldn't say anything. Just revise your opinion of this 'leader' if you think it is actually true and be careful of him. Oh, and support your female co-worker. The time to act is if you see anyone being misogynistic to her in the work place of if they say something sexist about her in front of you call them out on it.
It's the only way to deal with the insidious sexism in the workplace. I work in and industry that is 60% + female and we still have to deal with this kind of behaviour from some of the men.
Call it out - every-time you see it happen but do not get involved in rumours - no-one will thank you least of all the manager in question.

This is the kind of thing that ends up on my desk. My view is that you need to avoid shit stirring. Get on with your job and don’t get caught up in gossip and assumptions

I'd stay out of it. Creating an issue with your boss over something he might have texted is a really bad idea.

Would stay out of it. I was a "girl" in a man's world for a while, had all sorts of rumours, all sorts of comments

("whose bed did you fall out of for your promotion?" "never mind if you don't get promoted you can always stay home and have babies", "they have quotas you know...", "token woman...")

Rolled my eyes, laughed at them (not with them). Still got my promotion - strangely enough not one of them did... karma's a bitch...

If someone had intervened on my behalf I'd have been absolutely bloomin' mortified, so would very much be checking with the woman involved as to her feelings on the whole situation.

The number of posters playing down this disgusting rumour about this poor woman, is shocking! It’s not ‘banter’, is nasty misogynistic crap that can severely affect workers attitudes towards a female member of staff. It’s not the 1970s for fuck sake.

You can’t accuse the boss of starting it, but you can support this worker by remaining pleasant and professional towards her and telling the wankers to wise the fuck up. I don’t give a shit if it’s a mainly male working environment, there’s no excuse for this crap. This attitude is one of the reasons so many careers are so difficult for females to break into.

Why bring drama into your life. Keep it simple. Don't mention it again, if it is raised again, change the subject.

I wouldn't do anything. You don't know anything, you shouldn't assume and it's all very unprofessional.

You want to confront him about an alleged text you don’t know exists - to tell him how disappointed you are in him? What now? Have you no work to do or something?! Keep out of rumours!

Maybe depends on the company but our policies are pretty clear (in what I'm presuming is the same industry or thereabouts) that you'd be expected to report it via your normal whistleblowing channels or HR. They shouldn't be dragging you into it but they should be able to investigate

Yes it is office gossip, but it can be very damaging to someone. I would mention that you have heard the gossip because if it is not true he might and should put an end to it. If he has done it he really has to make amends. I think it is everyone's responsibility to have a good environment at work.