AIBU to tell boss about office rumour (that he caused)

[preferteatocoffee]

So this is a tricky one. I work in tech, in a reasonably male dominated industry. As a start-up there was a significant amount of "lads banter" which has toned down over the years.

I've recently become aware of a nasty rumour circulating about a co-worker. Basically that she was primarily hired because of her looks. The rumour started because the person who hired her (one of our most senior leaders) allegedly texted a former member of staff saying something like "totally my type, shame she's married , I'll wear her down".

I dont think this rumour (that she was hired because of looks) is true. But wouldn't be shocked if the text existed.

I have a great relationship with this senior leader. But am really disappointed in him. Both for the misogynist comment and for being so stupid as to text it to someone.

So should I tell him that he's effectively started this rumour? I feel like I should but...

Don't be daft. It's a rumour, you haven't seen the text, a senior leader is unlikely to be happy with you confronting him with a rumour, even if it was actually true (but you haven't seen it) he is hardly likely to thank you for bringing his banter to his attention or suddenly have an attack of conscience over it. Also maybe she wasn't hired for her looks. Maybe she's really good at her job and she happens to be good looking too.

Sometimes these type of rumours are started by somebody who is jealous of the person, and suggesting a person has been hired for other reasons than being good at their job is a good way to discredit them as much as anyone else.

Also, it could be counter-suggested you have started the rumour because you are jealous of her or want to discredit him. I really don't think you have enough to go on without having ever seen anything yourself.

Yes it is office gossip, but it can be very damaging to someone. I would mention that you have heard the gossip because if it is not true he might and should put an end to it. If he has done it he really has to make amends. I think it is everyone's responsibility to have a good environment at work.

This! I think you should tell him for all these reasons.

The issue I have about not saying anything is the fact that sort of gossip, esp in male dominate industry, can be extremely damaging to the woman 'who has only been hired for her looks'.
It is also deeply mysogynist.

so yes imo it needs to be adressed. But not as 'what a creep to have (maybe!) sent a text like this!' about the boss. But more as 'there is an issue here about the way one employee is being treated that is not acceptable'
Spreading (false) rumours like this can also quickly become bullying. It dont think it should/is allowed in the workplace.

It is interesting that so many women just shrugged their shoulders though and say the OP should forget it.
The rumour is very specific and clearly rooted in this idea that 'women cant do that job well. They only get hired because of their looks and the hope to get them into my/his bed' which makes working in that sort of environemnt very hard work for ALL the women concerned.

Mysoginy is clearly deply internalized by a lot of women.

Don't get involved and tell anyone repeating such rumours to stop being a sexist cockwomble.

This happened to me 20 years ago when I was starting my career. Senior men actually had a bet on who was going to get me into bed. They all lost.

Thanks for the input all. It's divided but it does seem like the majority think I should keep my nose out

I think the issue is that you don't have concrete evidence and 'Brenda in Finance' may have got it wrong/made it up. If that's the case, you're the one who will end up looking like a tit not him.

I became very good at absorbing information but not passing it on. That said, I did retain everything and this 'senior leader' would be on my radar in terms of can he be trusted.

In my experience, there is plenty of banter behind closed doors when no women are around and I am talking about big multi-national companies. Having a bet to get @shearwater into bed doesn't surprise me at all. It's always gone over my head a bit hence the reason I've probably heard more than most!

Her ability with the job will speak for itself. Nothing else needs to be said or done, the rumour will die a natural death if people don't give it air.

Incidentally, has anyone ever worked anywhere where a man was said to have been hired for his looks? (Apart from modelling agencies or 'front of house' work where good looks may be an asset to the job?)

I would focus on shutting down the rumour when you hear it. If someone says that in your presence remind them that whether she is attractive or not is irrelevant, she should be give the same opportunity to succeed as everyone else and they should wait and judge her on her results like anyone else.

what if you are wrong? Think of the damage to the people concerned - & you should be reminded! yourself! leave it alone because the only reason for doing this is to cause trouble - you have no proof

I wouldn't say anything. But if you're in a position to start a regular 'women in x company' group to bolster and support each other and go on a positive drive to demonstrate how great you all are AT YOUR JOBS you should. Who knows what snide gossip will be about your 'good relationship' with your boss in the future...?

If senior manager asks why it's needed you can tell him.

Say nothing at all, rumours are just that, you do not know of it is true.

Keep your nose out, and do your job .

I agree that comment has a huge whiff of the intent of potential sexual assault on the part of your manager.

If that was said out loud again, I would be inclined to say " I find it very hard to believe that X would write something so potentially damaging to him".

If you hear it several times and ye are good friends you could give him the "heads up" that this is being said about HIM, not her.

He's the one who could be very damaged professionally by this. IMO.

I would say something.

It's my job to let the boss know of anything that might affect the morale or worse of staff members. So rumours that might cause problems whether they are true or not I let him know so he can do something about it/nip it in the bud before it becomes harassment etc.

I dont understand why you are 'disappointed in him' if you have no proof he said let alone texted the comment.
I would not say anything to them as you will be opening a whole can of worms, which could be based on lies.
If you do hear the comment again I suggest you say ' well she does a better job than so why were you hired than?'

Of course it's not acceptable that people talk about women being hired because of whose dick they suck in 2019. But OP has no idea whether her boss actually sent this text or not. So her running off to tell tales to HR or 'confront' the boss will just make her look like a twat, and a very unprofessional one. Too many people think that whining/telling tales/shoving their oar in are the best responses to rumours, when the reverse is true.

I can't believe how many people are advising ignoring the issue here. If you have such a great relationship with this senior leader then arrange a quick meeting and tell him that the company's reputation among female potential talent is at risk, tell him that for example there are rumours that female coworkers are hired for their looks and rumours like that are damaging to the female, the hiring male and the company's reputation. Tell him that in the tech industry it is no longer acceptable to be seen to have this kind of company culture.

museumum totally agree.
It is not about calling him about the text because she doesn't know if it exists, but to inform him about the gossip which is very much real and damaging! I am also a bit gobsmacked that people will let it continue.